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July 25, 2018 7:05 pm  #11

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

Thank y'all so much for all the advice, encouragement and experiences you've had. I went away for the weekend to try and get some clarity. I looked back over the past 15 years and tried to look at it from his side and my side. When we catch our partner in lies regardless of what the lies are about it causes us to doubt and think the worst about a person because when we don't know the truth we try to find the truth. Over the years he has always been so good to me. He has never hurt me physically. He does anything and everything I have ever asked him to do for me in regards to our home, cars, children, work and anything in between. We have gone on multiple vacations over the years and enjoy each others company. I have been so understanding when it comes to his sexual abuse and I think about what that does to a person and how hard it is. It affects each person differently. He was a victim from the age of 7 to 9 by a teenage boy. The boy would play with him and another boy in the mud and then take them in telling them they needed a bath. Then things would go from there. So as a kid I know that would be very confusing. He had a mother that was not involved in their lives because she did a lot of her own thing and they stayed with their grandmother a lot. Their father was in another state and not in their lives either. My husband said his brother was abused by this teenage boy as well. 

After my husband went to therapy for over a year I believed him when he said he was no longer living in that darkness. But as time has gone on more secrets I have continued to find. The female porn, the craigslist m4m, the interaction with the guy from out of town, Ive caught him master bating in the shower once, he bought toys a year ago saying they were for me but didn't tell me had bought them until I said something to him. Most recently I found he bought another toy "for me" and he didn't tell me until I asked him about it. He said he bought it for me but he didn't think I would want it because we haven't been having sex. The toy was still in the box not used. Its a toy that has an app where you can have someone else control it for you. So its hard to believe it was for me. But I have explained to him countless times that if you want to buy toys or use toys with me just tell me. Buying them and not discussing that is what is so strange. He has never been one to talk openly about sex and what he wants me to do to him or what he can do to me. Which I think should be pretty easy conversation for a couple that loves sex. But then I go back to thinking he probably has never had that type of relationship with anyone. 

Well when I got home on Sunday I asked him if we could just be honest with one another and live in the truth. I started from the beginning and talked about why I feel the way I do. That I am not living in the past but things continue to happen. He said he's don't nothing in over a year and he's not gay. I asked him to look at it from my perspective and what would he think. He said he understands why I would think the way I do. His reason for looking at m4m craigslist was that maybe one of those men would understand what he went through and is that why they are doing what they are doing. Still doesn't make sense to me. He did admit that he created the google account but said he doesn't remember if he even sent anything from it. Which of course I don't believe. 

So then on Monday he was naked in the pool and sent me a text to come out and join him. He said he's going to prove to me that he's not gay and wants to have a sexual relationship with me. This is where I am so torn up inside. After all that has happened I don't really want to have sex with him. I'm not attracted to him that way because I see him through different eyes. It just all makes me so sad because I think he does have feelings that he does not want to have for men and he cant help it. He's just never going to admit it to me and probably no one else unless it's in private. 

No matter how many times I have told him it's not normal to do all these things he says I wont ever understand him. I don't even mean normal because I don't think you can ever be normal after being sexually abused or taken advantage of as a child. I know it's not his fault but it's just not fair to me. So at this point I have to just figure out what I am going to do moving forward. 

It's just not something that happened overnight and I cant change my life overnight either. This just sucks!!!

Last edited by Lostandsad2018 (July 25, 2018 7:08 pm)


July 25, 2018 8:52 pm  #12

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

Lost and Sad:  Don't be so sure that his ex wife is so "crazy" .  Many of us know that that is how we are described by gay spouses/ex-spouses, as they try to avoid the truth.  Also, you mentioned that your husband also views porn with women.  Mine did too.  He also had a "girlfriend" at the same time he had a boyfriend - all while married to me.  These guys use women in a terrible way, and they are not averse to throwing women into the mix with their gay activities, but gay they are.

I'm sorry if this is hard to take/accept (of course it is), and I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation.  Keep reading and keep posting, even through the tears.  This site is the best thing that ever happened to me regarding my former gay spouse - who many years on continues to deny his homosexuality (to the best of my knowledge).  Many will never, ever admit to their true sexual orientation.

Take care of yourself, do things for yourself, and do not beat yourself up or think you should have known or seen it coming.  Again, keep reading and keep posting.  It helps so very much!

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

July 25, 2018 9:01 pm  #13

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

Hello Again.  Just noticed that another poster mentioned how these guys watch porn with women in it too and was saying how they didn't completely understand that.  Well I have heard that gay men will watch heterosexual porn (with women of course), but that they focus on the man, not the woman.  This also gives them cover if someone discovers them watching porn.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

July 26, 2018 3:17 pm  #14

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

I think you understand him perfectly well - it's just not the understanding he WANTS you to have of him.  What you're doing is seeing certain things as abnormal - because they ARE abnormal - for a straight man.  What he wants is for you allow those things into the fold and declare that a straight man can and does all those things and they don't mean anything.  That's not true at all.

They lie to themSELVES.  It's like they see themselves as a vegetarian who eats meat.  By definition, that's not a vegetarian. But where's the line - can you be vegetarian allllll year and have meat for one meal and still be a vegetarian? Of course. That's what they're trying to get you to buy - that one little piece doesn't define them.  Only..... it's not one piece.  It's lots of pieces.  They'd be eating meat 3 meals a day and still be screaming that they're vegetarian because they've declared that's what they are. And that's just false.  There is a line somewhere - but they passed it long ago. They want you to figure that since you can't define exactly where the line is, that you can't prove that they've passed it.

Why's it so important for them to declare themselves something that they're not, anyway? WHY the big huge deal about being gay if they're comfortable sticking their d*cks in other men's asses (or vice versa)? Is the WORD really such a big deal compared to what they're actually doing? It's like the word itself is paramount to their definition of self.  You can go around not declaring yourself something - just.... being.  And having others either accept you for the way you're being, or not.  If that were the case, you'd say that you don't want to be with him if he's going to continue being online, looking at MseekingM ads.  But he's going to try to convince you that so long as he's labeled as straight, none of that matters - it's the straight vs. gay that matters.  And he's not gay.  Well, I'm here to tell you that YOU can decide that he's gay - or too gay for you to want to continue on in a heterosexual relationship with.  That is entirely your right.

And all this stuff about them wanting to connect with others who question/questioned their sexuality is bullshit.  There are a million forums out there specifically for that.  Where they can talk about their feelings, desires, needs, wants, conflicts, emotions, etc.  Male seeking Male isn't what that IS - it's a man seeking another man for sex. PERIOD. You're not an idiot - and neither is he - he's going to that exact place because he knows where to go in order to get what he wants.  If it were talking he wanted, he'd go somewhere specifically for that.  That's NOT where he's going.  He going where gay men go to hook up.  He's not an idiot - he knows exactly what he's doing.  He just hopes that you trust him more than you do your own instincts and rationale. And you should never trust what someone is saying over what they're showing you.  Period.  He's hoping you love and admire and respect him so much that you'll take his word over your own feelings.  You shouldn't.  You have plenty of proof of what he's doing - and continues to do.  He knows exactly what's up - he's just hoping you don't.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

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