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July 20, 2018 8:37 am  #1

Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

We have been married for 15 years and this is a blended marriage. We met on an online dating website. I was very selective as I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner and I did not want to settle. We dated for about 6 months and had a lot in common. We married 8 months later. He was in the marines for eight years as military police. He's a manly man and attractive. The first year of our marriage the sex was great. He was willing to do pretty much anything. No concerns or red flags. Not long after our first year together one of his teenage children came to live with us. This did bring some stress into the home due to teenage issues and the crazy ex wife. His ex wife cheated on him but there were problems throughout their entire marriage. They had three children together.

Time passed and the sex became non existent. Maybe two to three times a year if that. I would bring it up and he would tell me he just didn't have the sex drive and just didn't know why. Of course I was just as sexual 5 years into our marriage as I was the day we met. After multiple arguments, long discussions, crying, me begging for all the why's he finally told me that he was sexually abused by a teenage boy when he was 8 years old. Of course I was very understanding and patient. I was always encouraging him letting him know it wasn't his fault.

Another three years passed and I find a naked picture of him on his tablet. It wasn't sent to me and we weren't having a sexual relationship. So of course I confronted him asking him who he was sending pictures to and he admitted he sent only one picture that one time to an older man. He said he was looking for an older man to hurt the way he was hurt when he was a boy. He told me he had been depressed, suicidal and needed help. He found a female christian therapist he saw for over a year. During the time he was seeing the therapist he would share with me some of what happened to him as a boy. He said that the sexual abuse with this older boy lasted for a few years. There was never any penetration but pretty much everything else. He said once the boy tried to actually have full on sex he was scared and he ran home. After seeing the therapist my husband was healed and said he had been released from these horrible thoughts he was having for his entire life. I actually believed him or I wanted to believe him. Still very little physical or sexual contact. Holding hands and cuddling was about it.

Moving forward over the past few years here are some of the things that have happened.

I have found female porn on one of his computers.
I have found multiple pages of craigslist searches M4M married men.
I found an email he created for the craigslist searches.

When I questioned him on the above he said he was just looking and didn't send any emails to anyone. Then why did he create the new email account.

Then there was a guy he met online through his business. The guy wanted to meet him so he flew out and got a hotel close to our home. I thought it was a little strange that a complete stranger would want to fly to another state just to meet someone but still trying to believe everything my husband has told me. The friend was in town for two days. One evening we all went to dinner and it was good conversation, nothing odd. The second night they went to dinner by themselves. When I got home it wasn't too late maybe 8:30pm they were in the back yard. My husband was laying in a pool lounger and the guy was just standing there talking to him. Nothing weird. I was in the kitchen watching them for a few minutes. When the guy saw me he ran in and said come outside and hang with us. I do want to add this guy did look somewhat feminine. He shaved his arms and legs. But he had a girlfriend that he talked about and based on social media I knew it was legit because I did do the research. So when I went outside he was telling me all about this great place they went to that had wonderful daiquiris but my husband did get to drink his because it spilled or he dropped it or something like that. Meanwhile my husband is still laying on the lounger not looking at me while the guy is telling me the story. At the time I did think it was out of character and odd for my husband. So that was it. The guy left and flew home the next day.

A couple of weeks later I just got a feeling so I started reading their messages to one another on messenger.
Here is some of their communication to and from.They are talking about business as well as personal and this is over a few days. I'm typing it exactly the way they wrote it to one another except for anything that would provide too much information that would identify them.

Friend: Beautiful Happy 4th pretty boy
Husband: Just gotta finish your girlfriends order. Pretty ha!!! I'm the ugly duckling
Friend: Well some of us dig ya lol
Husband: Ahhhh your so sweet. If I was gay you'd be my man
Friend: Lol
Husband: Lmao
Husband: Your order will ship Friday
Friend: Lol Your the sexiest beast ever (emoji - lipstick, lips, red high heel)
Husband: Flattery will get you some lovin
Friend: (emoji - several money bags)
Husband: I'm no prostitute
Friend: I couldn't find a daiquiri emoji Lol...Man I can't wait to go back to that spot
Husband: Last nights storms were bad. 75 mph winds
Friend: Wow just missed that. Everything ok? Any damage?
Husband: You've been on my mind the whole time. No.
Friend: I am like a tick. Bahahaha
Husband: You suck like a tick.
Friend: Lol Thanks again for having me out it was awesome!
Husband: You bet anytime
Friend: I will use the one you made for me until the fucking finish wears off
Husband: there is no finish
Friend: Til the wood wears down. Til the f##king finish turns into dust. (he's talking about what he purchased from my husband)
Husband: hahaha yeah right
Friend: Until I drink a gallon of daiquiri and spill it everywhere. Til the grease from my bbq frys the board. Lol
Husband: Hahaha id like to see you after a 1 gallon daiquiri
Friend: Miss you guys man did I have fun
Husband: Tell me about it. Hard to find good friends.
Friend: Cant wait to get my order lol so excited
Husband: Gotta pick it up in person
Friend: hey are you going to the convention
Husband: yes
Friend: Thinking about going
Husband: Cummon
Friend: Cant wait to get my hands on my order
Friend: jerk lol
Husband: lol bwaaahaaaa
Friend: you must hate me lol
Husband: never (emoji - blowing a kiss)
Friend: have you heard of this guy (provided a name)
Husband: no i don't buy my products from others...LOL
Friend: Jerk...Lol....But I love you hahaha
Husband: oh i love you more
Friend: So what's so busy
Husband: sanding and polishing
Friend: just flying through them now
Husband: i wish it were that easy
Friend: Wish I lived close to help. Best stress reliever ever. Was building blocks and tinkering. With you.
Husband: wish you were her too

So when I asked him about all of this he said nothing happened. I told him this is not normal conversation between two straight guys. He said he was a mentor to this guy. Nothing more.

Now moving to the present day its been over a year since we have had sex. He has said to me recently that he misses the way we used to be close. So I decided to have sex with him just on a random day. I waited a couple of weeks later and of course nothing more happened which is what I expected. So when I brought it up he said he cant get excited if he doesn't feel wanted. He said his foreplay is feeling loved and wanted and he cant just make it happen. So I told him I'm okay if he cant get it up. I just need him to take care of me and asked him if he could pleasure me once or twice a week. He told me he cant make that kind of promise to me. Then of course we fought and I got upset. I told him it's always this way anytime we discuss sex. So he said then should we just never have sex again. I said is that what you want and he said no. But I really felt that he wanted me to say fine we don't have to have sex ever again. I mean it's been 15 years so why does it matter.

There is so much more but I feel like I have written a book. I'm just so torn because I want to believe him and be understanding. I just feel like I know the truth but I don't have the physical proof and he makes me feel like I am making all of this up in my head.

Please any experience or advice you have for me I would greatly appreciate. I have done so much research online and I just cant find the answers or help that I am looking for.


July 20, 2018 9:23 am  #2

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

What answers are you looking for my friend?  You want to know if he is gay?  He is.. you already know this.  But you came here for re-enforcement, and you will get that for sure. 

As a straight man and someone who has read and heard hundreds of these stories, let me share my opinion with you.  Hope it helps!

If the question is whether or not your husband is gay..  The answer is 100% yes.  Period. You have shared multiple clues that all point to the same conclusion on their own.  When combined, there is no doubt in my mind.. not even a shred. 

He doesn't have sex with you, but is clearly sexual since he looks at porn.  He signed up for gay craigslist hookups and created a new email address for it.  Already there is more than enough proof..   but that conversation you posted is icing on the cake.  NO straight men talk to each other like that.. EVER.   Some straight men will throw in a gay joke or an insult or two to bust each others chops, but straight guys don't ever flirt with each other like the text of those messages.  "You suck like a tick"..   come on..   They hooked up.. period.   no doubt in my mind.  

I'm sorry if it hurts to hear this. 

What you have is a closeted homosexual husband.  He refuses to accept his same-sex attraction and will not admit to himself that he is gay, much less allow the world to see his secret.  He's locked himself into a lifestyle that he is comfortable with.. where the world will think he's a "normal" straight man, where he feels safe from being judged.  But in secret he now indulges in his true desires. 

I'm sure you feel like the only person in the world who has ever experienced this..  I sure did when it happened to me.  But you should know that you are not alone.  There are hundreds of us here on this forum and thousands.. perhaps millions in the world who have gone through this to varying degrees.  

I'm so glad you found our group and had the courage to sign up and share your questions.  

It's going to take you a little while to let this all sink in..  We are here for you through that process.  At some point you will need to decide what you want for your future.. whichever choice you make, we are here to support you through that stage as well. 

Let me leave you with one more piece of advice for today...    Don't ever expect him to admit that he is gay.  I'm serious about this.  You are going to invest thousand of hours of your life trying to get proof and trying to get an admission, but you will probably never get it.  I want you to be prepared for this.   A man who is middle aged (I assume 50's?) and on his second hetero marriage, with kids and an established life is not likely to come out of the closet.  Those with strong religious background and "very masculine careers" (like military) are even more likely to never admit their true sexuality.   The story about being abused as a child is extremely common..  my personal opinion is that it was "experimentation" and willing for both parties, but it's become something that society has deemed acceptable as an excuse.  These men are professional liars.  They have been doing it their entire life.. hiding the biggest secret a person could possibly have.  Most of them are so deep in the closet they even lie to themselves.  They have themselves convinced they are straight.   A life devoted to keeping this secret turns them into professional liars and professional manipulators and narcissists.  They have to control people around them in order to control their story.  So if you try to get an admission you will receive a very well planned and practiced story or excuse (lie) to throw you off the case.  He will already have an excuse planned before he even does something just in case he gets caught... and it will be a very good one.  He's a pro!      I'm just trying to warn you of what you should expect.   

All my best!  Keep coming back.. post as much as you want.   We are here to guide you through the whole process.. whatever that process is for you.    Hugs my friend!

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


July 20, 2018 10:16 am  #3

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

I'd agree that is not a normal conversation.  It doesn't mean he's gay, they're are many gray areas between gay and straight.  It also doesn't mean he doesn't love you.  There's something telling about what he said about not being excited if he doesn't feel love, it sounds like he's insecure about your relationship.  It's true that insecurity affects desire and erections. 
I hope he can find a way to be more honest with you because I don't think it sounds like he is.  If you're having sex use condoms, guys on the down low tend to be more risky by having multiple unknown partners.  Please be careful.  If you bring it up with him you can try approaching it from that angle.  Sort of an "I need to know for my own health' type of reasoning and that blow jobs transmit STD's too.  Many STD's have no symptoms until they cause damage and I recommend you get tested.  I told my doctor exactly why I was there to be tested and he didn't flinch, something tells me it's not as uncommon as we think.

Good luck to you



July 20, 2018 10:22 am  #4

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

What Phoenix said...

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

July 20, 2018 12:12 pm  #5

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

Phoenix...I want to say that I can not even truly explain to you what your words meant to me. Every single one of them. It took several attempts to read through it as the tears continued to swell and run down my face. I had to compose myself to get through it. It has been a long hard road for me without anyone to talk to or to even be able to comprehend what I have been battling for so many years. Knowing I am a good person, loving, giving, pretty, understanding, willing to do anything to work through whatever the problem has been. I am a fixer and I can't fix this. I needed someone to just validate my thoughts and I understand no one can really know every detail of a marriage nor be able to explain everything that has happened that has brought me this far. You were able to give me words that felt like a huge hug and a friend that I don't even know. I just want to say thank you for listening and taking the time to share your thoughts with me. It means more than you can even imagine. 

     Thread Starter

July 20, 2018 12:15 pm  #6

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

Vicky, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I have only had sex with him once in the past year and 1/2 which was within the past two weeks. I will go to the doctor as I do believe that is needed regardless of what he has or hasn't done. I need to for my health and my sanity. 

     Thread Starter

July 20, 2018 12:52 pm  #7

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

I'm so glad to help.  I know how hard all of this is.  I went through it 2 years ago.  I remember it all vividly and it still hurts to hear new members talk about their situations.  I can put myself in your shoes and I feel your pain.  Hearing that my words have some impact for the good makes me feel great.  Hopefully myself and the numerous other amazing people on this forum can continue to offer you the support you need to get through this.  

You are most definitely a good person.  To continue to invest in loving a spouse when you are not getting what you need back is a hard task.. most people are selfish and fail.. but you have given it your best despite incredible challenges.  You should always feel proud of yourself.  You loved him before yourself and put him first even though he hasn't done the same for you.  Remember that and take pride.   Don't ever allow yourself to feel ashamed for not knowing his secret... you never had a chance against a professional liar to find something you didn't even know you should be looking for.  

As Vicky mentioned, and you've agreed..   a trip to the Dr is a wise decision.  Get tested for STD's to be sure of your health and talk about how the emotional trauma might be manifesting in physical ways.  If you are struggling with sleep, anxiety, high blood pressure, random pain, etc..  you should discuss this to make sure you are getting all the help you can.   Also, we always recommend finding a therapist to start dealing with the emotional pain (which is much harder to deal with than the physical).  

If you haven't seen it yet, check out the "first aid kit" thread for more of the most common advice we give:     We can talk more about tailoring those topics for your own specific situation. 

If you haven't investigated the Straight Spouse Network face-to-face support groups, I highly recommend that as well.

I can see your strength already Lostandsad..  You will make it through this and find happiness again. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


July 20, 2018 4:00 pm  #8

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

Phoenix, I also want to thank you. Every word of advice you gave, I needed today. My husband is GID and I know w/o a doubt he will never admit it. I discovered this after 44 years of marriage. He has put a different spin, different story, with every time  I approach him about TGT. The last twisted story was that he was a "victim" of a rape of 3-4 men, and that is how he contracted hepatitis B. But he can't explain away the gay porn, or the anal dildos, or no sex with me for 10 year because of supposedly of having ED, or the craigslist response to a man seeking a DL married man.......I am just so tired of it all. 

So now I am making me a priority, found a good counselor who deals with straight spouses married to gay men,  and I am getting my finances in order, and I am praying for a "friendly divorce." I still love this man, so I am divorcing the man I love....which sounds so bizarre. But I can't live in his closet with him, no way! I want to lead an authentic life, I want truth and honesty, and he can't give me that. 

Phoenix, thanks again for your words of encouragement, especially reinforcing that my GIDH will NEVER admit the truth. 


July 23, 2018 8:25 am  #9

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!

Hi Violated. 

It is absolutely my pleasure to be able to help, even if it's just a little advice or words of encouragement. 
We will all get through this together. 

I'm so glad to hear you found a counselor who has experience in this area.  Please be sure the counselor's experience is working with the str8 spouse and not the transitioning closed gay man.  I assume the former though., so that is fantastic.  I hope as well that you can move forward with a friendly divorce.  

I said frequently that I still loved my ex as we went through divorce.  Only the reality was that I loved the fake persona of the woman I married..  The person I divorced was not the same.  She was a fraud.  
If you can separate the persona you loved from the real person behind the curtain it will help you walk away without so much pain.  Just remember the person that you loved wasn't real.  The person you are divorcing now is not that same person.  

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


July 23, 2018 12:14 pm  #10

Re: Is my husband GAY? Please Help!


Hi there.  So sorry you need to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

His texts alone prove to me that he's gay.  And to me, it looks as though they've been intimate. Talk of "best stress relief ever" and "you suck like a tick" are very telling.  You know this conversation isn't normal - don't let him try to convince you that it is.  He knows it's not, either - he's hoping you'll believe his words over your own internal truth. Don't. You're not an idiot, and you should resent him thinking that you're dumb enough to believe the B.S. he's attempting to spoon-feed you. It's insulting and belittling.

You won't get an admittance.  Because he'd prefer to have you for a wife and live his sex life underground - for whatever reason.  It doesn't have to make sense to you - it won't.  Because you don't think in that deranged kind of way. That's the only way you could truly understand all of this - if you were as warped as he is.  You're not, thank God.

Get away from this man. He's having sex with at least this man, if not others.  This is not a "grey" area to me - he's not saying one sort-of-inappropriate line in a text.  The entire freaking thing is inappropriate. Would you think that you could talk like this with anyone and it would be respectful to your partner?  It's not just a little bit questionable - they're saying "I love you" to each other, for God's sake.  Get angry already. There is nothing confusing about this - he just wants you to think there is. Get angry that you're his wife and you rarely receive any intimacy, but this dude is obviously getting some.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

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