Right ...one must do what needs to be done and that includes staying to the end.    Me and my now ex were together until several months after the divorce.   

I had several phone apps

I used to go the library,  parks,  walks..    

We walk forward and learn how to live on our own (again). 


 

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted or have been here at all. I told my GID husband I was done and wanted a divorce back in March. I’ve been on his roller coaster from hell for 8.5 years. I am now 7 months into this escape plan, and I’ve got 5 to go before I’m able to actually move out and file.
At first my anxiety was off the charts. He gave me constant hell. Then i started staying with my parents 3x per week with my kids. And at this point we seem to be coexisting better. It’s a constant game of accommodating him, appeasing him, just to keep the peace. I joined a gym again to do something for me. I stay 10 steps ahead of him always. I slowly am moving out all the small things I cherish without his noticing. I live a double life just trying to prepare for the day I’m able to leave. And he just worries about getting laid. I stay busy. I keep the schedule packed for me and the kids so there’s so little time in the house with my husband. Time alone with him is what I avoid above all things.
When I met him, he was my dream guy, my adventure partner. And he has caused me more tears than anyone i will ever know. His constant lies and betrayals, his hidden shit that never ends, his circular reasoning and shifting blame, made me a doormat who no longer felt like a real person. I was a maid who paid the bills and worked full time and nannied the children while he went out and did whatever his heart desired. Now I am still all of those things for him, but I am a person again. And he doesn’t know...but inside I am a spider. He made me learn to be one. And I am constantly spinning, preparing, for the moment I’m able to leave him and claim my life back.
Find your strength. Build your support fortress. You deserve happiness.

I can't leave just yet due to medical and financial barriers.  But I did have to seek out a place I can escape to for short term if necessary (just another friend's home). I sold an item of value so now I have some money set aside to get another place relatively soon. I talked to some close friends, which he initially claimed was me unfairly "outting" him. I have to take pepto bismal and immodium ad because I am now constantly sick to my stomach. I talk to a counselor weekly. I grieve. I envision a future alone, because I don't think I can trust another man again. I try to think of how being alone in life might actually be fulfilling, although it breaks my heart. I look at the blue sky and the sunshine and contemplate how he can't possibly ruin everything in my life. I look at pretty flowers and listen to the birds sing.  I pet my dog. I kind of accept it when I am just quite frankly completely shell shocked overwhelmed. Sometimes I can find inner strength.  Sometimes I can actually feel grateful that finally I have learned the at least partial truth.  The truth hurts, but sometimes now I can look back at the negative aspects of our relationship over the years and think, wow, now it makes sense.  I am trying to get a local support group of women organized (not specific to this hideous situation, but just women who don't have anyone else to talk to about being alone in the world). Knowing this forum exists and that I am not a bad person because of how he has made me feel really helps too...reading other straight spouses agonies and successes is helpful. It feels weird nowadays when being non binary or gay or whatever is "in". Some day, I won't have to think about how creepy this ordeal is making me feel.  I also try to watch comedies.  Sorry for rambling, rambling is a coping mechanism too LOL.  My shame is that for the most part, I try my best to act like everything will be ok between us when I am around him.

Last edited by pea hen (October 9, 2017 9:59 pm)

Rob, hi!  I just missed you being online.  Makes me hope someday this forum may have chat room scheduled so we all can have a chance to chat in real time. My SO and I have a daughter who is grown and on her own, living in a larger city a few hours away, so now we've downsized and I can't avoid the only bed in the current apartment in which we dwell.  I am so sorry you find yourself here on this forum...you don't deserve to have to be on this forum although I appreciate that you are here.  I am ashamed of myself.  I am not wanting to choose to live a lie, or be deceitful, or secretive by sneaking onto this site.  I have always felt good about myself regarding honestly and transparency with family, friends and coworkers.  Remember the saying "oh what tangled webs we weave, when we practice to deceive". HE has cornered me into survival mode, compromising the values I hold so near and dear, to maintain my self respect at this moment is almost impossible.  I do like what you say about "sad and alone" you can do something about, but your ex all you could do was get away.  You speak TRUTH and that gives me some hope.  Thank you.

When I first found out about TGT last October,  we were already sleeping in separate spaces.  He had asked me to move to the couch years ago.  (But that's another story!!!)   Surviving that time after disclosure was so hard.   It really was survival. For me, there was so much going on with the kids that I didn't have much time to stop, and deal with anything. That was not healthy for me, and I ended up in the hospital just after Christmas. I did learn some good ways of coping with the enormous shock and weight of responsibility. 

Here are some that I remember:

 - I spent some time with family.  Soon after disclosure, I was panicking quite a bit.  I knew with work, I'd just be ramping up and up for Advent and Christmas, so I packed up the kids and me and took off to visit my parents in Florida for Thanksgiving.  I needed the breath I gained by being with my family support for a few days.  It really helped.  My folks were so supportive.  They didn't spend time bashing my STBX (or me!) but they just loved on us for a few days.  It's just what I needed.  I can't imagine getting through the next few months if I hadn't had that little time of grounding.

- I told a few people.  I work for a church, so my boss is a pastor.   I told him everything.   He's been so supportive. 
I told a friend.  She took me out to lunch just about every week just to be there.   I told 2 other friends who both made it their mission to keep me laughing whenever possible.  That helped a lot. 

-STBX and I made regular times to meet.  For us, this worked.  Our schedules were so impossibly opposite anyway, that it just made the little time we were home at the same time easier.  We didn't have to squeeze in these life-changing conversations in between helping kids with homework, dinner, and our evening work obligations.   We found that we could communicate better in a public place.    So we planned one time a week at Starbucks, or the library, or wherever, where we could to start figuring out what the heck was going on. There were times, however, that it was simply too much and I opted out for a week here and there.   For us, this meant divorce. 

Focus.   I had to sometimes just take a few minutes at a time.  Two of my five kids just really shattered last fall.  They are both doing better now.  But let's just say we had some real nightmare situations.   It was crushing to see him detaching more and more, especially when the kids were in such crisis. 

Do something for me.  This was a turn-around point for me.  A counselor suggested that I find some daily thing that is just for me.  I kind of laughed at her because of the intensity it took to keep those kids alive...but she was right.  I decided to give a concert in the fall.  (It's coming up soon!)  It's something that I had given up due to my STBX. (Yet another story.)  Practicing for that concert is something that I've found I can do pretty much even on a really bad day.  Not always, but it is a good and healthy motivator for me to get up and join the world today. 

New experiences with the kids.  We've gone to lots of parks.  Quite a few new ones.  We are very lucky to have plenty of parks where we live.  Play parks, small lakes (small enough to walk around 3-5 miles), state parks, nature preserves.  It's one thing all the kids like to do.  Since they range in age from 8 - 16, it's kind of a miracle that there is anything!  LOL!  Plus, most of the parks are free.  Getting them out and being social as they can.  For some of them, that is not much, but that's ok.  Just keep making new memories. 

My mom told me that I need to make this time count for the kids.  So I tried my best to make sure the kids and I weren't just stuck in some horrible holding pattern until he moved out.  Being honest, it still felt like that sometimes. 

-