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May 15, 2023 4:27 am  #1


Custody issues

I live in PA. My spouse hid his trans identity from me until I accidentally found out in 2016. We went through the motions of therapy starting in 2019. His transmission to female was accelerated while I was misdiagnosed with BPD. I pulled myself and our son from that practice shortly after. Long story short, despite therapeutic interventions, trans spouse now wants a divorce so he can invest in real estate that I won't have rights to. That's fine in regard to him moving out. That part is overdue. But he refuses apartment dwelling and insists on buying, which I also understand up to an extent. We have one son, 15. I worked part time until 2017, when I was encouraged to step back by my husband so he could start his business. I stopped working and put my professional license on inactive status. I'm the primary caregiver. I do 85-90% of child care as it stands now. My husband works approximately 12 hours per day up to 6 days per week. Most weekends lately he must always go out fully dressed as a woman for breakfast alone on Saturdays. Then he goes to his place of business for hours. Some Sundays he spends around his son. Other Sundays he's gone for day long bike rides.
In the past week I made an appointment with a lawyer. Because I feel vulnerable and lack protection and knowledge. My husband is talking about using our home equity line of credit to fund his new property purchase. Keeping his name on our current house even after divorce. But the worst... He believes he's entitled to 50/50 custody even though our 15 year old son has expressed he does not want to leave the current family home or split his weeks or time between homes during the academic year. I have expressed to both husband and son, That's the husband is always welcome in this home, to visit, sleep over, share meals and holidays.... I have no concept how he is going to manage 50/50 custody when he works almost 60 hours a week... Why would he have an insistence on having his son when he won't even be home? Our son is used to coming home to a parent. While he is old enough to be home alone. That doesn't necessarily mean that he always should be. We have the gift of having a teenager that actually wants to hang out with his parents on occasion. When I inquired about this my husband told me well.. it's going to be very hard for you to parent him all the time because you have to get a job.. there's a lot of resentment because I haven't worked but very little acknowledgment over how me not working allowed him to grow his business and allowed out child to thrive.
I meet with a lawyer next week. I'm terrified. I know what is best for my son. And my son knows what's best for himself. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I feel like my world is being pulled out from under me. I don't understand why any of this is happening. My child literally has 2 years and 10 months of childhood left... Why are we doing this to him?

 

May 15, 2023 10:29 am  #2


Re: Custody issues

Hello Hailyourself,

Am sorry this is happening to you. 

It's good you are going to an attorney soon. They can tell you what your financial and custody rights are. Mine was a great advocate for me.

My late GIDXH was a financial abuser.  He was shameless in pressuring me to give him what he wanted although it wasn't legal or moral for him to have. I would suggest not signing anything your stbx wants you to or discussing financial or custody matters with them.  Do it through an attorney you hire.

Get any joint financial records you can showing his pattern of spending. Document things he said about custody and financial matters. Save all texts and emails from him post separation. That may help you.

Stand your ground and hang in there.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

May 16, 2023 9:56 am  #3


Re: Custody issues

Hello Hailyourself - you are doing the best thing by meeting with an Attorney NOW. Continue to protect yourself and your son! I know this is hard to do, but don't tell your husband your next moves until you speak with your Attorney. I have three children. I started my Separation process with an Attorney in November. My Marital Settlement Agreement should be signed today by my GID husband! Gather as much information as possible to give the Attorney a clear financial picture. Also, think about what you want for your future without your husband. Please write down your FINANCIAL desires to provide the Attorney details so they can be your advocates. 

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (May 16, 2023 9:56 am)

 

June 5, 2023 9:32 pm  #4


Re: Custody issues

Sorry you're facing this, Hailyourself.

Your attorney likely already advised you of this, but most of what your partner is telling you is incorrect.

The business is marital property under PA law, so you own half of it and any assets. I believe they are aware of this, as the aim of taking a line of credit appears to be to reduce the equity. This will be seen through easily by a judge and they'll have to pay you half of this loan as well. It's a pretty terrible move.

Being a primary caregiver means he'll owe you alimony for the years ahead. If I were you I would document the time he spends at work. While PA is 50/50 custody state, showing that he's not around today may be valuable to indicate this wouldn't be possible for them.

Starting the divorce process will freeze the games. People will be watched financially, which will be beneficial to you.

I'm three and a half years post-discovery. The divorce was finalized last year. It's a slow, winding road with kids and a business. Only now do I feel on my feet, no longer exploring wonderland. My only advice would be that you didn't choose this path, but you can take a step each day to find the life you deserve. Step by step, you'll get there.

 

July 10, 2023 11:20 am  #5


Re: Custody issues

I have a similar situation with custody.  I work part time and he works overtime and travels for work.  What did your lawyer tell you about custody?  I would love to hear it.

 

July 10, 2023 11:52 am  #6


Re: Custody issues

Bella32658 wrote:

I have a similar situation with custody.  I work part time and he works overtime and travels for work.  What did your lawyer tell you about custody?  I would love to hear it.

I haven't gotten that far . Mediator just said that she feels that 50/50 custody or the maximum amount both parents can spend with the child is what is best. And yeah that sounds very much like the situation I will be in. My husband is at work all the time, travels etc. Owns his own business etc. I don't find 50/50 custody to be feasible. What were you told? And how do you make that work? I don't think it's right for my 15-year-old child to be staring at a wall alone at my husband's place when he could be with me when I'm home. It makes no sense to me.

     Thread Starter
 

July 10, 2023 1:15 pm  #7


Re: Custody issues

Hail,

So sorry.  These spouse love to plan their new gay/trans/alien life..

First kudos and congrats on seeing a lawyer..I would retain this lawyer if you liked him/her.  Even if you need to sell an organ to pay the retainer.

From what you wrote the husband thinks he can do this or that and is in control.  Once you obtain a lawyer he really isn't.  He can buy property sure..it is then consider a joint asset ..i think even if he puts it in his name he has to list it as an asset ..it was obtained during the marriage. So lawyers will ask how he paid for it etc.   He can empty all your accounts...it is then joint debt obtained during the marriage...

Custody also is not what he dictates or says..  most courts favor the mother and you could argue he will not have a lot of time etc.  I will say even with 50/50 at your kid's age they will be older soon and will want to spend time where they want.   It may be your kid goes between the houses now but from what you wrote he may end up asking for pickup sooner from you.. kids do adapt and once they are of driving age will be home less anyway.. you  definitely need to be sane and strong for your kid as it sounds like dad is not thinking about him at all...

Just remember he is entitled to half..half the house..half a kid..he is also entitled to half the debt.

Last edited by Rob (July 10, 2023 1:16 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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