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March 13, 2022 10:06 pm  #1


Finding more

 

Last edited by anniescott (April 21, 2022 8:41 pm)

 

March 14, 2022 11:37 am  #2


Re: Finding more

At some point you I had to stop looking because I knew what I would find..more bad stuff.

I think there is a fine line between morbid curiosity and further traumatizing yourself.  These closeted people are very good at hiding things.

The question I always asked myself when digging and snooping is "why do I have to do this?"  It's not normal and while it may be sadly necessary it really shows how broken they have made the relationship. We are worth so much more.

Wishes of strength and fortitude.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 14, 2022 2:10 pm  #3


Re: Finding more

anniescott wrote:

I'm posting on here again because I found something that really has me questioning even further. I guess I've been looking for answers.......

 

Annie hello..I'm the same as Rob. There came a point I had to stop looking for stuff, for proof.
If you think of it as a cup you think you have to fill to satisfy your thirst for knowledge (of who he really is) but there's always a need to find more evidence (because y'know....you could be wrong) and you get a bigger cup so there's room for more evidence, more proof he's hiding who he really is, and you keep on looking because, well, you made the cup bigger....so there must be more evidence because the cup has more space to fill.....etc etc

I didn't have a cup, it was a bucket...lol and I (finally!) realised it was actually hurting me to think that *I* had to discover secrets about *him* and that why the hell should I try and find out who he really is when he should be proving it to me

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 14, 2022 9:14 pm  #4


Re: Finding more

Hi Annie,

I don't know if this helps. Pretend that you found irrefutable proof. What would you do?

Then, pretend the status quo continues year after year. How does that make you feel? Is it bearable?


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 14, 2022 9:28 pm  #5


Re: Finding more

I don't think I'll ever find irrefutable proof but I imagine it would actually help me move on. I guess all I want to know is if others think this is normal for a straight man or not. I agree it's unhealthy to keep looking, but I think it's a natural reaction that anyone would have when they're drowning in such uncertainty. Wish it was easier to make a decision but it's not. Thanks all.

     Thread Starter
 

March 15, 2022 12:27 am  #6


Re: Finding more

anniescott wrote:

I don't think I'll ever find irrefutable proof but I imagine it would actually help me move on. I guess all I want to know is if others think this is normal for a straight man or not. I agree it's unhealthy to keep looking, but I think it's a natural reaction that anyone would have when they're drowning in such uncertainty. Wish it was easier to make a decision but it's not. Thanks all.

 

Yeah...nah, this will never be an easy decision. You can expect to feel the angst and indecision until the switch flicks on inside you and you just know the answer and can act on it.

Look to strengthen yourself, your options and the way you see your future

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 15, 2022 2:45 am  #7


Re: Finding more

It's instinctive behaviour - we look to our spouse for confirmation.  So you want him to confirm what you believe, that he is gay, but he is hiding the truth of himself from you.

You have to realise he is not a real spouse, not in that instinctive reliable way, far from it, he is deceiving you, he just isn't going to give you true answers..

The way to liberate yourself from the uncertainty is to stop looking to him for confirmation.  

If you can't believe what we say (too loyal to him) and you can't believe what you say (self confidence affected by his gaslighting) and obviously you can't believe what he says, well ask your gut instinct instead.  and you already know the answer.

 

 

March 15, 2022 1:12 pm  #8


Re: Finding more

The funny thing is, when I base it entirely off my gut, I've asked myself many times before- if I had to bet my own life whether he was totally straight or not, it's automatic that I would bet that he was not. From my core, I've always felt 90% certain. Yet here I am...lol.

Thank you, everyone- I really appreciate your perspectives. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Last edited by anniescott (March 15, 2022 1:20 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

March 16, 2022 7:53 pm  #9


Re: Finding more

Hi Annie,

A forum member posted this -- Snooping For Curious Spouses.  It may be of some help.

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2442

My GIDXH passed away shortly after the divorce & I found proof after he died. I didn't find porn or other proof  in the house while married. In hindsight, I would have hired a private detective to follow him to see if he was cheating.  Anonymous gay hookup spots are everywhere. 

It's not fair to live your life as the questioning & confused spouse. You deserve something better.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 19, 2022 11:40 am  #10


Re: Finding more

MJM017 wrote:

Hi Annie,

A forum member posted this -- Snooping For Curious Spouses. It may be of some help.

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2442

My GIDXH passed away shortly after the divorce & I found proof after he died. I didn't find porn or other proof in the house while married. In hindsight, I would have hired a private detective to follow him to see if he was cheating. Anonymous gay hookup spots are everywhere.

It's not fair to live your life as the questioning & confused spouse. You deserve something better.

how did you find out your ex-husband wasn't straight after he passed away (if you don't mind me asking). How did such discovery affect you? Did you have an A-ha moment where everything finally made sense?

anniescott: have you tried asking your husband if he is gay? what was his response?

 

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