At some point you I had to stop looking because I knew what I would find..more bad stuff.

I think there is a fine line between morbid curiosity and further traumatizing yourself.  These closeted people are very good at hiding things.

The question I always asked myself when digging and snooping is "why do I have to do this?"  It's not normal and while it may be sadly necessary it really shows how broken they have made the relationship. We are worth so much more.

Wishes of strength and fortitude.

I don't think I'll ever find irrefutable proof but I imagine it would actually help me move on. I guess all I want to know is if others think this is normal for a straight man or not. I agree it's unhealthy to keep looking, but I think it's a natural reaction that anyone would have when they're drowning in such uncertainty. Wish it was easier to make a decision but it's not. Thanks all.

It's instinctive behaviour - we look to our spouse for confirmation.  So you want him to confirm what you believe, that he is gay, but he is hiding the truth of himself from you.

You have to realise he is not a real spouse, not in that instinctive reliable way, far from it, he is deceiving you, he just isn't going to give you true answers..

The way to liberate yourself from the uncertainty is to stop looking to him for confirmation.  

If you can't believe what we say (too loyal to him) and you can't believe what you say (self confidence affected by his gaslighting) and obviously you can't believe what he says, well ask your gut instinct instead.  and you already know the answer.

 

MJM017 wrote:

Hi Annie,

A forum member posted this -- Snooping For Curious Spouses. It may be of some help.

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2442

My GIDXH passed away shortly after the divorce & I found proof after he died. I didn't find porn or other proof in the house while married. In hindsight, I would have hired a private detective to follow him to see if he was cheating. Anonymous gay hookup spots are everywhere.

It's not fair to live your life as the questioning & confused spouse. You deserve something better.

how did you find out your ex-husband wasn't straight after he passed away (if you don't mind me asking). How did such discovery affect you? Did you have an A-ha moment where everything finally made sense?

anniescott: have you tried asking your husband if he is gay? what was his response?

anniescott wrote:

I have in a nondirect way, I once told him that for many months upon dating I thought he was bisexual. He laughed and seemed totally relaxed about it, as in "ha ha..you thought I was bisexual?". Also, when he made comments about men being "hot" or finding all people attractive, I asked if he was bi and he said no. Another time I made a comment inferring disappointment about finding out a male celebrity was bisexual and he asked "is there something wrong with that?"

Honestly, I'm just really curious to know from any straight mens perspective if they could ever imagine themselves saying these things.

his reaction when you asked him if he was/is bisexual is pretty much how I imagine most straight men would respond (a direct proper answer with a tad of humor behind it) -- when I asked my ex-LW if she was gay there was a sudden drastic change on her facial expression, she started jumping up and down with anger yelling at me that she isn't a lesbian. After that incident I was 90% certain that was gay (turns out I was right).

did he use the word "hot" or "good-looking"/"attractive", it's not uncommon in this day and age for a man to call another man "good-looking", "attractive", "handsome bastard", etc.. his reaction to your comment about the bisexual celebrity is a bit suspect for sure. Any other signs you can think of? a male best friend? disappearing for hours on end without any sort of explanation? internet search history? 

Last edited by rekamc (March 19, 2022 3:54 pm)