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October 8, 2021 2:22 pm  #21


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Hi! I just want to jump in to recommend you document everything and start using email to communicate about really important issues. I have several that I kept regarding my GX and his sexuality and I've been able to leverage those emails at times to protect myself. 

Also, start telling some friends who have earned the right to hear your story (or a therapist). The feeling of shame & hopelessness starts to fade when you have someone who will listen without judgment.

My Ex and I are currently going through mediation after 2 years of living in the same house separated. This has taken a mental toll on me as much as dealing with a loveless marriage or the upheaval the outing caused me.

It's going to be hard, but as they say, "The only way out is through". I wish my situation was over and it could be if I had pushed through my fear earlier. Everyone is different though with different tolerances for despair but thankfully, this group is here to vent to once in a while.

Hugs from me too.

 

October 9, 2021 9:16 am  #22


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Thanks everyone, and for the advice. I'm struggling every day with new emotions and worries, even though I had felt this was real for so many years the realisation of an actual affair has had a much bigger impact that I could have known, reading some of the posts here I am begining to understand why that might be. It feel like before I could see the iceburg right ahead of me and now iv'e hit it! I will try to get some counciling but not sure how easy this will be to arrange yet, is it best just to go through my GP or should I look privately to egt someone more specialised. I did have some breifly years ago but the therapist didn't seem to much about this issue.
I also have a burning urge to confront my wife with what I do know, here are a few things I would like tosay, but I don't know if now is the right time, or if this is what I should be saying.....
I think you bi or a lesbian.
I think you are having an affair with your friend.
This is just what I think, I have no definitive proof and don’t intent to present you with any, but I want you to be honest with me about these things I think.

Is this worth the bother or am I just setting myself up for more personal stress?

I am also finding it really difficult not to snap at everything she says, she has always apparently worried about me, but now everytime I walk into the room I look like shit, worried, tired, like I have been crying again etc... I am doing my best to hide my emotions but that is prooving difficult, so she only has to ask are you okay and I tend to reply abrutply with something as close to the truth as I dare to get.

btw Ordinay Guy I have also joined a group more local to me, only yesterday but hopefully that will help. Thanks.

     Thread Starter
 

October 9, 2021 11:23 am  #23


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

I also have a burning urge to confront my wife with what I do know, here are a few things I would like to say, but I don't know if now is the right time, or if this is what I should be saying.....

I'm sorry you're going through these difficult feelings.
I tried this route for nearly 20 years and my husband always turned my questions against me and made me feel like I was just being insecure. In my experience, your wife will probably not fess up until you have undeniable, concrete evidence. And by letting her know what you do know, you will be alerting her to be more careful.

Personally, I would use this time to document behaviors, conversations and gather evidence. Don't let 20 years fly by like I did (30 years in my relationship). Take Care <3

 

 

October 9, 2021 12:57 pm  #24


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

I've got a burning urge going at the moment - I want to pour motor oil over the horrible old woman who did it to my cat... but see the trouble I'd be in if I acted on it.  

over the years I have discovered good things to do with a burning urge - get some physical task done, I have moved rocks in the garden and then wondered how I did it.  or do some writing.  get a pot finished.

Fiddlesticks, the thing I finally understood about my ex is there's an underhanded component.  I was being managed.

Impossible to see from within the relationship, but easy to see once I stepped back a bit.

The smart thing to do is, instead of confronting her, form a practical support group, doctor, lawyer, family friend, tell them.  And that's what I did eventually.  Started with going to the doctor for a general check up.  But first I tried talking to him, thinking maybe now he knows I know he's gay he will be honest with me.  Not a bit of it.  Then I stepped back a bit.  Now I am in my own home. 

Last edited by lily (October 9, 2021 1:00 pm)

 

October 10, 2021 2:36 am  #25


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

So what do I tell the kids when they ask, which they will and want to know all the details about why, what, how.....

Yesterday was a bad day, I couldn't hide my upset face, I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry and for my stomach to rebel. Eventually had way through the afternoon my wife asked me what's the matter, your stomach is bad, what's going on etc....
I didn't know what to say, she kept asking just tell me what's upsetting you and we can do something about it. I just kept asking her what have you done? I couldn't stop myself....
We has a stressful circular conversation for 10 minutes in which nothing really was said then she got angry.
Last night I slept in the spare room, today I am going to try and meet a friend. Mindfucked!

     Thread Starter
 

October 10, 2021 3:19 am  #26


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Hope you get your visit with a friend.  that is just the ticket.  my personal feeling re answering the kids questions is to take them as they come and trust yourself to find the right things to say.  Just stay caring about your feelings.

when I found myself sleeping alone I took to cuddling my pillow as if it were a teddy bear.  

 

October 10, 2021 6:55 am  #27


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Fiddle, What do I tell the kids?

I’m sorry to hear yesterday was a rough day but glad to hear you are going to be talking to someone. One step at a time.

It’s good you are thinking of the kids. However, in my opinion, I don’t think you say anything at this point. You, yourself are not sure exactly what is happening. My son was an adult when we found out about TGT. My son found out at the same time I did. So my story is very, very different than yours.

I think you tell them when you know what direction your relationship with your spouse takes. I would only ever provide age appropriate information.

I’m sure there are others here in this forum with much more experience than I that could provide more pointers.

Take care and it truly is one day at a time, take care of you first and the kids that seems to be the most important aspect of this early phase, in my honest opinion.

Last edited by longwayhome (October 10, 2021 6:58 am)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 10, 2021 3:47 pm  #28


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

So what do I tell the kids when they ask, which they will and want to know all the details about why, what, how.....you tell them the truth, but make it age appropriate. And most importantly you make sure they know you're there for them to ask questions. 

Yesterday was a bad day, I couldn't hide my upset face, I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry and for my stomach to rebel. Eventually had way through the afternoon my wife asked me what's the matter, your stomach is bad, what's going on etc....remember you and your wife are on different paths. She's got this thing, the all-consuming niggle of who she really might be nudging her all the time. She'll probably only have limited stores of empathy where you're concerned. You on the other hand are still trying to get your head to the surface of what's happening. For me...once I had identified the difference and started to compare the oh so different ways my partner and I approached the Mindfuck I could more clearly see how he used my emotions and his anger to keep me on edge and off-balance
I didn't know what to say, she kept asking just tell me what's upsetting you and we can do something about it. I just kept asking her what have you done? I couldn't stop myself....
We has a stressful circular conversation for 10 minutes in which nothing really was said then she got angry.
Last night I slept in the spare room, today I am going to try and meet a friend. Yeah...anger. It was my partners tool to dismiss my emotion. Learn the triggers and be smarter than the anger Sticks. Friends are good. Talking to friends a good distraction from the......Mindfucked!

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 11, 2021 11:24 am  #29


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Regarding the kids...
As Longwayhome stated, you don't know what's happening yet so you don't tell them anything. You need to talk to a friend and then open communication with your spouse to get answers.

When I was at the point you are now, I only told my son that his dad broke my heart and I'm trying really hard to deal with my sadness right now. If he had any questions he was welcome to come to me and ask. I also told my son that we both love him and that we are talking in private to work things out... Several weeks later we both sat down with our son & let him know that we were separating but that we were going to try and make it as easy for him as possible; that our son was our #1 priority.

I know you're traumatized right now but your kids are not there for emotional support and should be left out of this for now. When you & your wife finally get to a point where you're talking and discussing what happens next, then you can start to involve them.

I went to counseling with my husband so that I had a 3rd party there to help facilitate our conversations. She helped to keep my husband from using any manipulation against me and made him clarify vague answers. We talked about our son... I personally would like to tell him the truth but in the end, he doesn't deserve to get sucked into this mindfuck - he's still a kid. The counselor suggested starting by saying something like "Your father & I have decided our marriage doesn't work for us any longer" rather than going into gory detail. Then take any other questions as they come but don't willingly come forth & dump emotional trauma on them.

Many people on this board advised against going to counseling together but I think it helped to validate my fears and show him that he was not the perfect spouse he thought he was in his head. I was also able to understand the ways he tried to manipulate me during the conversation because the therapist would catch it. In the end, we were able to come to an agreement as to how we would move forward. Unfortunately, as soon as we stopped counseling, he felt no motivation to stick to our agreement because he was only trying to impress the therapist and now I'm moving forward with divorce. Counseling took a little extra time & money but I felt more empowered afterward. When you get to that point, look into Discernment Counseling.

 

October 17, 2021 10:16 pm  #30


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

First I would like to thank you all again, I have given the whole kids thing a great deal of thought over the last week and all of your advice is really welcome. I love my step children so much and if I can hold onto anything out of this mess it's them. And in the very long run I now think I can do that.

Following more discussions with my wife, and untruths in return, we'll I say untruths but it's seems my wife has actually taken to telling me the actual truth in reverse, like oh I suppose you think I have been running around all day with her! I have tried, and am getting better at not rising to this. I feel I now know all I need to know to be sure I am not imagining most if not any of this. I have been reading a lot of the posts in general discussions about what I need to focus on, and although it's hard I am starting to understand the importance of not keep looking for definitive proof, and trying to get her to come out. Recent discussions have shown me if this ever does happen it will not be on the back of one of these conversations.

So now I intend to look after me, I have quit smoking and almost drinking, not that these were major problems but I certainly was using them to get me through much more than I should have been. And I am already feeling stronger for it. And I am going to get out there and start doing more stuff....

But of course it's not that simple is it! This weekend was a perfect example, having got home after we both spent the day apart, when I initially came home I instinctively knew what had been going on that day, we had just both arrived home together, and totally out of the blue I had to run to the bathroom to throw up, I had no control over it, I didn't feel sick before or after. This has never happened to me in my life in this way, and took both of us by surprise, of course I knew why it had happened, and I suspect my wife did too, but insisted on grilling me as to why, perhaps I had a bug, was I okay, what was going on etc.... These are the things I am finding difficult to deal with, I didn't explain, although I did give the impression I knew but that I was okay and I didn't need to examine it, but I was pretty sure it wasn't a bug. The remainder of the day was okay, but it made me think that a lot of this is going to be hard for me to keep under control.

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