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- Abby
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
Bandala33, please schedule an appointment with your doctor because with this stress - and your statement about your weight gain - you may very well be developing serious health issues.Your doctor can also also refer you to a therapist who can help you cope in a healthier way. If you love your children, love yourself.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Gloria
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
My gay ex boyfriend will not ever come out. I think some people in town know he's gay and I was the last to know. He was born in 1944 and is well respected in the community so I have my doubts that he will ever admit it.
- Upside
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
Hi bandala33 -
I lived your life.
Same behavior across the board. Hating sex. Lights off. No touching. Sex was rare and for me. I was gross to want it. No participation in any way for her. No intimacy. Vague affection. After kids, she pushed me out of her life. Excitement with women. Passion for lesbian content. Calling and texting women all day, while I was in the next room dying inside.
There are two paths:
1) Snoop. Go hog wild. I did this and I wake up nearly every day with flashbacks of what I found. A decade of hidden loves and lies. I do not recommend this path unless you must.
2) Or you can acknowledge that "still not understanding her sexual orientation" after 12 years means something.
In couples counseling, after my wife's many affairs started to spill out, the therapist said that healthy relationships make us into the best version of ourselves. My gut instinct was laughter. I had to stifle this reaction, as marriage to this human had only brought me despair. Are you the best version of yourself?
Not knowing, is a symptom of an unhealthy relationship.
Dr. John Gottman discovered four negative behaviors, or “The Four Horsemen,” that spell disaster for any relationship. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
"Not knowing" her orientation often means all four are present. You are trapped in all directions by attacks, with the death knell being stonewalling you into submission. And when you ask her to adapt to your needs she discusses how it could be worse for you in the future.
"Not knowing" is often a symptom of gaslighting as well.
I would recommend seeing a therapist to discuss this. I would recommend journaling to get your thoughts on paper, as I'd wager she is mentally abusing and gaslighting you often and this will solidify events as they unfold. And I would recommend you entertaining the idea of a future beyond these walls to acclimate to the possibilities. Just start to dream of a happy future. What would that be?
Recently I moved out from my cheating wife. I have a fresh home to decorate for my child and myself. I have found kind friends who support me more than my ex ever did. I have a new beau who is doing all she can to helping me reconnect with my heart and body, after decades of abuse. And holy crap – life so blindingly bright when we're on the right path for ourselves!
Sometimes they never come out. Even when you have all the evidence in the world. All you need is enough evidence that says "this relationship is not healthy for me" to move. You deserve happiness.
Last edited by Upside (September 9, 2021 9:09 pm)
- Rob
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
Ordinary guy wrote:
...
She reached out to touch me and I just freaked out, terrified of her touch. It was my conditioned response to her attempt at innocent intimacy. I have learned that physical contact is to be avoided at all costs..
4926 days…
Ordinary Guy,
I noticed this lack of affection but only after my GX withdrew the very little she accepted or gave me. I cried when a college friend rubbed my back..because my GX in the decades we were married never did ..always accepted my affection though.. so I thought she was straight. It's probably the gayness but it also showed how narcisstic and selfish she was and how I accepted this treatment...some naive flaw of mine..wish I had not accepted such scraps of basic affection. That said she was a master of doling out just enough to pass as straight.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Rob
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
My GX will never "come out". I think many have lived so long hiding it and appearing straight they are comfortable with just continuing.
I think when I'm around though it makes her uncomfortable because the glaring truth is ever present..does she hold hands with her girlfriend or just appear as straight friends.. a real horrible way to live and not my problem.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Upside
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
...
She reached out to touch me and I just freaked out, terrified of her touch. It was my conditioned response to her attempt at innocent intimacy. I have learned that physical contact is to be avoided at all costs..
4926 days…Ordinary Guy,
I noticed this lack of affection but only after my GX withdrew the very little she accepted or gave me. I cried when a college friend rubbed my back..because my GX in the decades we were married never did ..always accepted my affection though.. so I thought she was straight. It's probably the gayness but it also showed how narcisstic and selfish she was and how I accepted this treatment...some naive flaw of mine..wish I had not accepted such scraps of basic affection. That said she was a master of doling out just enough to pass as straight.
The patterns in our shared stories are always striking.
My therapist recommended I go get a manicure at a salon because I was so terrified of any human touch. I was sure the problem was with me. It was shocking to me to realize that I could enjoy physical contact. If you feel nervous, exposure therapy of some kind may help.
And please don't be too hard on yourself, Rob. Many of these behaviors we learned from our pasts, often as children from our parents. In my case, my mom was a perpetual disaster, where I learned my value was to sacrifice all to rescue her. This behavior was implanted in me and ready for the harvest when I met my wife. The more I gave, the more I thought I was showing love, while the more she took advantage.
My ex is committed to her lies. Yesterday she Facetimed our child covering herself in AR rainbows. She enjoys teasing me, while denying it in public. I know she will get married again to a man simply for money, while keeping this aspect of her life a secret. And the maddening thing is...that's not illegal or punishable in any way. Madness.
- Ordinary guy
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
My ex is committed to her lies. Yesterday she Facetimed our child covering herself in AR rainbows. She enjoys teasing me, while denying it in public. I know she will get married again to a man simply for money, while keeping this aspect of her life a secret. And the maddening thing is...that's not illegal or punishable in any way. Madness.
If I was in your position I would have no compunction whatsoever with letting the other guy know exactly what he was letting himself in for. She isn’t teasing you, she is rubbing your nose in it. Disgraceful behaviour on her part. I am glad that I do not have to deal with this sort of crap, I don’t know if I could accept it. Having a conscience as the driver for our moral compasses certainly has its drawbacks. I can’t even imagine being that selfish that I would mock someone in pain. Whips my shit up into a froth!
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Upside
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
Your notes gave me chills, MJM. I'm so sorry that you had to go through those experiences.
My ex had Borderline Personality Disorder.
In my personal head cannon, I believe the majority of spouses in this forum who take the denial path have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. They take great joy in the deceit and manipulation of someone so close to them.
- Shh0406
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
Maria, how did u find out after he passed away?
- FreeBird88
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Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?
Hey Bandala,
I totally get the worry about opening up the topic for discussion. But if I could go back and tell myself anything it would be to start talking earlier and earnestly with my ex about the issues I saw but was so worried to address. I ended up instigating these convos eventually. Looking back, starting these convos was the beginning of a process of me taking control of my life back in a situation in which I had become really passive, afraid, and disempowered. Do it for yourself. I second Soaplife's suggestion above to consider counseling and perhaps find a way to start these conversations in the context of couple's counseling. I also would have done this initially in retrospect...a lot of the first convos with my ex on this topic involved them denying and avoiding...and me buying it. It would have helped to have a mediator there to help keep things on track and to help suss out the red flags and indications of repression, since my ex was very avoidant, fearful themselves, and in denial.