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1 - Upside
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Disclosure and Vulnerability
Was your spouse fearful of discussing their internal issues or self-perceived flaws openly with you? Was this communication barrier in regards to all topics or any in particular (other than sexuality)? When discussing certain issues with you did they say they felt judged or too vulnerable, even if you were nothing but supportive? Were there others in their life they disclosed these topics to or were they excluded from all?
Curious if this is a part of the pattern or just my personal experience. Appreciate your thoughts!
Last edited by Upside (July 5, 2021 1:51 pm)
- Ordinary guy
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
This problem goes hand in hand with the lack of intimacy, namely emotional intimacy. One would imagine that it would be challenging to enter into such a discussion whilst closely guarding your inner most thoughts. There would be a risk that the mask could come down, or become slightly askew revealing an inner secret. Such topics of conversation were avoided in my experience, or would turn quickly into an attack as an automatic defence. With me, any perceived attempt on my part to enter into any discussion regarding negative feelings or emotions was met by vitriolic transference. If you had a BIG secret to keep, the surrounding smaller secrets and personal truths have to be ring fenced along with it. You will always be met with a defensive attitude when the vulnerability in question represents a life or death situation in the partners mind. Make no mistake about it, social death is still death to our particular species of social hominid. Every single thing that threatens this, will be met with a fight or flight response.
4878 days….
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
Upside wrote:
Was your spouse fearful of discussing their internal issues or self-perceived flaws openly with you? Was this communication barrier in regards to all topics or any in particular (other than sexuality)? When discussing certain issues with you did they say they felt judged or too vulnerable, even if you were nothing but supportive? Were there others in their life they disclosed these topics to or were they excluded from all?
Curious if this is a part of the pattern !
My partner has always been reserved and quiet, and apart from the odd times he's had too much to drink (always a happy drunk though, never mean)...has never been somebody who steps forward into the spotlight. It was almost like he was afraid to let people in, but of course at the time I didn't know what was going to happen in the future
I always thought we were an 'opposites attract' couple because I'm just fine in the spotlight 
Our wonderful partnership allowed us to talk about anything & everything, sexual of course because that's how we were. And when we opened our r'ship he was super-confident.
However apart from those times my partner didn't think he should have to let anybody else into his personal space.
When he told me he wanted to explore (blah!) with men and I hit the roof, tears, rages, anger, frustration....that's when he started withdrawing even more. In the letter he wrote me 4 years ago he said "if anybody else reads this...I'll die" The counselling I persuaded him to attend made him paranoid he was being 'got at'. He didn't want to talk to anybody because he doesn't want anybody to know who (what) he really is.
If he does talk about it with anybody he doesn't tell me, especially now we are celibate (well I am, he'll be frustrated as fuck) During his few months of secret-life/hushhush email account/phone wiped daily of text messages he did tell me he had been communicating with a woman. As a sounding board he said. But she'd been somebody he'd seen in our open r'ship so he was on pretty good terms with a women he'd fucked anally (this still angers me that I was too in love/naive to know this would turn out so bad)
Now if I opened a conversation about this today he would be okay with it at first, then he'd just clam up and scuttle back into his emotional hidey-hole.
The day I'm ready to talk about all this with him....and I've talked about, well, all of it to a few close family....is the day I'll have all my ducks in a row
Elle
KIA KAHA
- TakenbySurprise
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
Soon after we got married, my stbx husband could never open up about any topic. He would often say he "didn't feel safe" sharing his thoughts or emotions. I read every marriage book on communication, sex, you name it, I read it or tried it. I found out that his reticence was because he was lying about everything. He never seemed to connect with people in real life either. Because he was only able to communicate all of his feelings to online strangers.
- MJM017
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
Just word salad to keep him in the closet:
1) Things were fine and I was not seeing things correctly due to my anxiety.
2) He was working on it and I was too impatient.
3) He was overwhelmed and needed a break.
4) Thanks for bringing that up because I was right and he'll work on it.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Soaplife
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
Post removed by Soaplife
Last edited by Soaplife (July 6, 2021 1:12 am)
- CMaree23
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
My bi hubby was so afraid to hurt me it made him walk on eggshells around me and made me THINK more was going on than it was. He was so scared I would leave if I knew the real him. Once he finally opened up and was honest and open with me everything changed for the better.
- Leslie77
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
That's an interesting question. My ex rarely talked about his past. He lived in another state until his 40s and had few living relatives. I used to ask him questions about his family and his school experiences and his friends growing up and his reply was always "I don't remember". Maybe he didn't want to remember? Or maybe he didn't want to share with me?
One thing that was weird - he had a long-term female platonic friend whom he shared everything with. I was somewhat jealous of her and I'm typically not a jealous person. After we split up, it dawned on me that the way he spoke to her was the way two close girlfriends communicate. We separated because he thought he was a woman.
Last edited by Leslie77 (July 7, 2021 8:52 am)
- MJM017
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
That's an interesting question. My ex rarely talked about his past. He lived in another state until his 40s and had few living relatives. I used to ask him questions about his family and his school experiences and his friends growing up and his reply was always "I don't remember". Maybe he didn't want to remember? Or maybe he didn't want to share with me?
My late GIDXH wouldn't tell me anything about his high school or college days. He had no yearbooks, pictures or friend stories. There were cousins in a far away state, but no contact. Assume he was hiding facts, like your ex
One thing that was weird - he had a long-term female platonic friend whom he shared everything with. I was somewhat jealous of her and I'm typically not a jealous person. After we split up, it dawned on me that the way he spoke to her was the way two close girlfriends communicate. We separated because he thought he was a woman.
Mine did too! He emailed and called her a few times a day. Am not against platonic opposite sex friends, but a deep friendship? Not ok in a marriage.
She was a friend to the end. They wanted to marry after the divorce. She's kept his Facebook page open in legacy. I looked at this recently. She's wearing full out rainbow (as in gay pride) colors in her profile pic. Wow.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- lily
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
yes I think this very much goes with the GID territory.
He was very withholding. and yes to the girlfriend - I will lay dollars to donuts she is GID too. They have known each other since college days but she was not around for a long time, they'd had a falling out but then they moved into our area. After a while I stared feeling there was something a bit off or collusive about their relationship and they would gang up to have a go at me. I think it says something about their nature that they can do that - share the knowing who they are with each other while taunting me. so deliberate, the cruelty.
but from my perspective it was teaming up with the girlfriend that made it possible for me to see that my ex was being cruel to me. it is horrifying to think that I might still be there with him. oh man, I had not realised til now how far I have come. I really am grateful to myself for walking outta there.