Thank you for posting single mom. I don't have enough information to determine whether this man is gay or straight, however, I do have enough information to confirm that he's a world-class *sshole! In his own words: 

"He said he was still trying to find himself, didn’t have the time or energy he thinks a committed relationship would take, etc.  Every excuse in the book." 

Translation: "I'm f*cked up and not that into you." My advice: move on my friend...in fact RUN! When straight partners struggle with staying in a relationship, reconciling after conflict, or just breaking up, I often ask them to write a "help wanted" ad for the position of husband or (in your situation) life partner. If his resumé read:

60+ year old divorced narcissist seeks stable relationship. About me: I'm bad in bed so no vaginal sex possible; I'm very cold/detached; am a porn addict; and might also be gay. 

If this were an employer/employee situation, would you even give someone this monumentally unqualified an interview? Of course not. So why then trust this man with your heart? Move on my friend and STOP contacting him. Date someone who's chasing you, not the other way around. You deserve better and will only find Mr. Right when you stop pursuing losers like this. I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (October 25, 2022 12:26 pm)

Hello all ,
This is a shout out to Sean . My story started in 2019 /2020 wirh a deterioration in my marriage which started with my ex having mental health issues- depression. Brief history, ( I do need to add he has narcisstic traits which ultimately made the whole experience even more complex and abusive)
Met when we were both 42,  both of us coming out of abusive relationships, he a marriage, me longterrm partner
Love bombing, I got joyfully pregnant ( 1st time) after a few months, moved in together , had our son and then twins 2 years later, WONDERFUL
We married in 2017, Almost immediately things went wrong, depression \verybal abuse and erectile dysfunction on his part
Came to crisis point and he " admitted " he "may be bisexual " and that this was a factor in his previous marriage ending ( told me she had an affair) and a previous engagement ending as well.
I played along, feigned support , tell me more, came out with sexual fantasiies about having sex with men, discussed where he had done this previously ( but OBVIOUSLY ) not since he had met me ! and that if he didnt " come out" he would kill himself"
So he came out via Text to family and friends.. He " adored " me wanted to keep our family intact, swore monogamy etc, and that despite this we would be a family forever...I was so confused and blindsinded that I didnt know what I was doing or feeling , just a relief that he wouldnt be so depressed.
So I reached out to Sean , what was in this mans mind??
Well basically this is a warning..it played out exactly as he predicted,   a honeymoon phase,  a gay adolesence, narcissistic rage and in my case him  going back  in the closet 
Anyway I didnt really believe Sean.., I thought my handsome , highly successful family man would not go down that road ...but he DID exactly that on the timeline Sean predicted
It ended badly. after 18 months . Started with a collection of dildos I insited he throw out escalated the ED.Then I told him that monogamy needed to be maintained within the marriage or it would be over, he went crazy  ,, the more I stood up to him the more the relationship deteriorated and ultimately he attacked me physically and we ended up in court with safety orders etc
So l left  in fear of my life , he attended the mental health services and a counselling service who pronounced him  according to himself  as being "straight" , after he had addressed " the elephant in the room " and thus had  resolved his issues!!.This was after months of verbal/text abuse from him because I would not reconcile and support him because he " loved me and wanted his family back "
He now has a girlfriend. She is very thin and almost androgynous , it will suit him..She knows who he is as I told her but again he is straight now...and she believes him.
What I am trying to say is that this is a NO WAY OUT situtation.For your own mental health these unions have to be disolved .
He told me he knew since he was 10 that he preferred men and yet went on to have 4 children in 2 marriages and is now entering into another relationship with a woman
Sean was spot on
These people are deceptive, selfish, disordered and have no empathy or sense of consequence .My only advice to anyone faced with a partners confession of either gender or sexuality identity issues is to leave as soon as it is safe to do so .
It cant and wont work.
It will drag the other partner down a chasm of questionning, confusion , grief , feelings of inadequacy /hoplessness etc 
Please take heed of the warnings
Blessings x 

Blue769 wrote:

 Sean- I hear everything you are saying. I am 57 and he is 60. 

 I definitely feel the need to define and label his sexuality! It’s my right as a wife of 32 years to know who the man is that I’ve been married to and sleeping next to. I’m pretty sure I need to hear it coming out of his mouth. I’ve often thought that he is so out of touch with who he is that he is unable to verbalize.  

Slightly different gay perspective. It may never come.  The G word is scary to guys. Don't think gay as in is attracted to men. Think gay as in effeminate, wears pink, has a limp wrist ect. The BI word("well at least I am half way there(Straight)" can be less offensive but even that can be too much. 

Also a guy into crossdressers might not be the conventional definition of gay(i.e. attracted to men). Most gay guys are attracted to the masculine and like guys and their parts. The problem here isn't the label on his sexuality. The problem here is that he is doing something you did not plan for or agree to when he married you. 

As for the BJ, less risk of STD, less prep needed and some guys are not into anal. He definatly is into men what ever the label. Also a BJ is about the easiest thing for two gay men to agree to.

As for him being of a generation where being gay is unacceptable, I just don’t know. We met in retail and had lots of gay friends. I realize that of course he could say, “There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but I’m not gay!”  
 

There a a difference between having gay friends and being willing to call oneself gay.

Last edited by Diff I guess (October 28, 2022 8:17 pm)

Thank you for writing Diff and Blue. In response to Blue's post:

1. Are you saying that he thinks of gay as being effeminate, wearing pink...? He’s definitely not that in his daily life. 

This could be an example of what I call the closeted man's "pink merry-go-round." Here we have a husband who doesn't identify as either gay or effeminate, yet he has spent years cross dressing and having sex with men. I believe this is also referred to as "cognitive dissonance" meaning that by all objective standards, he's pride-float gay and yet he still maintains, "I'm straight." I call this the pink merry-go-round because it's disorienting and crazy-making for the straight spouse. 

2. I would say he [Blue's husband] is definitely attracted to doing things that involve men: dressing up in lingerie, taking pictures of himself and posting for men and other cross dressers and trans women to admire. Meeting up with cross dressers and “light” playing (he said no intercourse was involved)...

I can't quite grasp why closeted husbands think they deserve bonus points, or perhaps a shiny medal, for only "light" cheating. As I shared in a previous post, he's admitted to cross dressing and having sex with men....for years. If it's so "light" (read: acceptable) then why go to such elaborate lengths to hide it? In any sane/rational marriage, cheating with men, cross dressing, and hiding both are more than enough to justify separation/divorce ...by any objective standard. 

3. this [cross dressing/cheating] dates back 10 years. Organizing crossdressing groups on Fetlife and Grindr so that they can talk about things and share. Paying for membership on fetlife to be able to watch trans porn. Saying things like, “Mmmm. So beautiful!” to a photo of a penis peeking out of some panties- mostly penis. Having a 3some with another man and the 19 year old, where the boy services the two 60 year olds orally. He actually took pictures of this and kept them in a private folder. 

Wow. Question: has your husband admitted to both giving and receiving oral sex? Most closeted men claim they won't kiss other men and only receive oral sex...usually lies. And lets just acknowledge the pink elephant in the room: I see nothing "light" in joining a fetish website/community, organising crossdressing groups, then meticulously planning, executing, and documenting a male-on-male threesome. There is nothing "light" about any of this my friend so you are completely justified in calling him out on his bullsh*t minimizations. 

4. He spent the last 4 years on Grindr seeking blowjobs. I signed up myself just see what he was seeing on a daily basis. Sean spoke about the amount of time that a guy has to put in on Grindr to get an actual meetup.

Correction: he spent the last 4 years on Grindr arranging gay hookups with men. The closeted husband often minimizes his cheating by claiming, "It just happened." False! The 40+ year old husband, father, with a dad bod and thinning hair can't just walk out the door and start having sex with other men. Hell it takes countless hours for an out, young, muscular gay man to set up a sex date for which he hosts at his appartment or home. That process involves: texting/chatting; sharing lots of photos; and detailing sexual preferences (top/bottom/vers). And it takes even longer for the closeted, middle-aged husband to set up a Grindr hook up. So I'd add "it just happened" and "it was only blow jobs" to the "bullsh*t excuses" piles. As far as a time committment, I reckon your husband has literally done a Ph.D in both cross dressing and gay sex he's spent so many weeks and months working on this other online persona. So no he can't just claim "It was nothing", "I'm really straight" or (my favourite) "It was just light play." Again there is nothing light about an all-male threeway, with a 19-year-old, complete with photo shoot. 

5. I believe my husband put in a considerable about of time talking and flirting.

Talking, flirting, and f*cking my friend...with men. He's put more time into looking for gay hookups than he's spent on your marriage I reckon. Your husband wants you to treat years of cheating, cross-dressing, and photographing like some one-off boozy hook up at an out-of-town trade show. That's bullsh*t. And where's the apology? If I'm reading all of this correctly, he's trying to make it sound like you're the problem for making such a big issue out of all of this. Well he's dead wrong. If his self-proclaimed "light" play - which includes cross dressing and penile sounding by the way - are so commonplace and not so bad then you (his wife) are completely justified in sharing this with friends and family right? If his actions are so light than you are entitled to some light sharing as well. Let's see how he reacts to that.  

6. Husband said he would not share face pics or any personal info.

Lies. I have a lot of experience with Grindr my friend: sharing penis pics; *ss pics; STD/STI status; age; sexual preferences; and relationship status are all very personal details. So yes he's shared a lot of personal information with complete strangers. In fact, these strangers know more about him than most of his friends and family. Again, he's lying/minimzing. 

7. That’s a lot of interaction with gay men over 4 years- that I know about, for someone that says he’s not gay and is not attracted to men. 

100% true! Cheating is like an iceberg, meaning that 9/10ths often remains under water. So I would brace yourself to learn far more about his secret life in the coming weeks and months...namely that he's had full-blown sex with men for years.  

8. Thanks for commenting on the BJs. He has said that he only did it because it was “easy.” I’ve told him that easy would be reaching over for your wife sleeping next to you. What he did was hard and time consuming. 

Bingo! At the end of the day, it's hard to claim zero interest in something (gay sex) that takes so much time and effort to orchestrate and hide. Moreover, there is a great deal of risk when cheating on a straight wife because there are potentially life-changing consequences if caught, namely separation/divorce. At the end of the day, if he's no longer having sex with his wife and only having sex with men, few of us would define this as a healthy/happy marriage. You deserve so much better my friend. 

9. This whole thing is a complete mindf***. I've suspected that he has kept his sexual encounters with men to only oral and light play (as he says) because by only doing those things, he can say "I'm not gay" to himself.

Yes this is a mindf*ck and you deserve so much better. But I reckon it's a good sign you see it for what it is: a crazy-making pink merry-go-round. I myself don't believe him when he claims "just oral" for two reasons: first, he's clearly been lying about and hiding his cross dressing and gay sex for years; and second, he's distracting you from the main issues: a sexless marriage with a pathologically dishonest husband. This is not a good husband. 

Thank you for sharing Blue. Keep coming back my friend. 

Last edited by Sean01 (November 7, 2022 12:59 am)

Hi Sean, thank you for your time here and help to find the answers we are desperate to find. 
My husband came out as bisexual three months ago. He said that it wasn't a big issue because he loved me, he wanted to be with me. At the moment, we were trying to have a baby. But three months later, he asked for the divorce because he wanted to be with men. He confessed he had two encounters with men in his adolescence (just before we know each other) but he didn't liked it and continue his life (I'm using his own words). My intuition says he is already known another person (a guy to be exact), because he was acting very strange and change his phone and iPad password. He is denied it, of course. He confessed to his parents that he was bi and also deny that he wasn't be unfaithful. Now I'm applying no contact because I need to be ok in order to be back to formalize the separation. But just before I left we had sex, two times to be exact. I now understand this was a mistake. I don't believe he is bi, I think he is gay in denial. Maybe I am misjudging him. I am very confused. I don't understand how things changed this fast. 
I will really appreciate your insights as a gay-exhusband.
Best.