OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



May 10, 2022 8:29 am  #2001


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Crystal_H wrote:

Sean wrote:

8. Is this a common behavior for someone to have towards the straight spouse when newly coming out?

Yes. The newly out man is often referred to as a "baby gay" because he goes through a period of child-like self-centredness. This is also called "gay adolescence." If your ex-husband only talks about himself, constantly portrays himself as a victim, and totally ignores your feelings, I see little reason to remain in contact with him. 

Thanks Sean for your responses, lots of good information. Can you expand more on the above or any suggested readings on this? This is very interesting to me.
 

I’m a guy who went through the special hell of having his ex-wife come out. Her gay adolescence was horrendous, largely defined by her ignoring me and our kids. Whenever I expressed concern or had an emotional response, she would try to redefine the entire situation as my fault.  To help her through her “situation”, she would go out to bars with her girlfriend and leave me with the kids. This happens a lot. I’m not sure there’s anything to read on this, but I recommend connecting with other straight partners so you can appreciate that this is common, and most importantly, not your fault.

 

May 19, 2022 2:22 pm  #2002


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean,
I found a gay user email address bbc4wbbtyrone@******.com in my husband's email account.  It stands for big black cock for white bare back tyrone (his username).  I researched on grinder and a bunch of other hookup/gay apps and there seems to be many men out there on the down low seeking other men for sex.  It's quite unsettling the amount of men using these apps.  On the one hand I suspect my husband is bisexual or gay (in the closet) strait acting.  On the other hand it seems as though men are sexual human beings perhaps seeking like minded sexual beings for fun (and not having to deal with emotions and women).  Almost like men simply want to enjoy raunchy sex and keep it simple,, easier to deal with man only with penis/anal penetration to receive the ultimate prostate climax, something a woman can't do as easily and on a with with a high sexual drive.  What are your thoughts on this?  I hope this is not a dumb question.  It's just that my husband seems so manly, strait acting. he doesnt know I know about his email.  I file for divorce next week,I don't plan on telling him will only cause fights, lies, drama.  Easier to be done with this. 

 

May 19, 2022 4:34 pm  #2003


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Sweeetlisa. In reply: 

1. I found a gay user email address bbc4wbbtyrone@******.com in my husband's email account.  It stands for big black cock for white bare back tyrone (his username). 

Wow! That must have been quite the shock. I hope you're ok following this discovery. For those readers who don't know, the term "bareback" means sex without a condom. 

2. I researched on grinder and a bunch of other hookup/gay apps and there seems to be many men out there on the down low seeking other men for sex. 

Correct. I should add that there are also many straight apps, message boards, and websites for heterosexual men and women also looking for sex/hook ups. The gay community doesn't have a monopoly on cheating as straights do it as well...and in greater numbers I might add. Some other Grindr-like gay sex apps are: Scruff and Hornet to name a few.  

3. It's quite unsettling the amount of men using these apps.  On the one hand I suspect my husband is bisexual or gay (in the closet) strait acting. 

It's certainly possible. If your husband enjoys sex with women (namely you) and men, then that suggests he's bisexual. If however he's never demonstrated an interest in sex with you nor any other women, then he might be a closeted gay husband. 

4. On the other hand it seems as though men are sexual human beings perhaps seeking like minded sexual beings for fun (and not having to deal with emotions and women).  Almost like men simply want to enjoy raunchy sex and keep it simple,, easier to deal with man only with penis/anal penetration to receive the ultimate prostate climax, something a woman can't do as easily and on a with with a high sexual drive.  What are your thoughts on this? 

In my experience, the gay (male) community is indeed very sexual and gay men have, on average, more sexual partners than heterosexuals. HOWEVER, it's a myth that the gay community is just one constant disco and drug-fueled orgy. As I shared in a recent "Our Path" podcast, the closeted, middle-aged, dad-bod husband has a very hard time finding sexual partners. So when a closeted husband says, "It just happened" when he's caught cheating, that's a lie. Yes a young, hung, Adonis of a gay man can find a quick and dirty hook up, but the average closeted husband can sometimes spend days or even weeks messaging and sharing photos just to arrange a single hook up. With regards to women being unable to provide prostate stimulation, I disagree. A strap on, vibrator, or butt plug could easily do the job. The difference is that the closeted husband wants to do all of these things with another man. The closeted husband doesn't want to do anything sexual with his wife simply because he's not attracted to women. 

5. I hope this is not a dumb question. 

Not at all. 

6. It's just that my husband seems so manly, strait acting. he doesn't know I know about his email. 

Gay men come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and levels of masculinity. Most of my close friends are also very "straight acting" so few of us fit the "angel wings, booty shorts, and glitter t*ts on a Pride float" cliché...often the way scared, closeted husbands see the gay community. In fact, most of the closeted husbands I write about in my posts were largely "straight presenting," enough so to marry women and have children.  

7. I file for divorce next week, I don't plan on telling him will only cause fights, lies, drama.  Easier to be done with this. 

Understood. I hope I've answered your questions but please feel free to write again. Good luck with your separation/divorce. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (May 19, 2022 4:37 pm)

 

May 20, 2022 8:52 pm  #2004


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I am seeing a guy and things are amazing when we’re together. We hit it off great and always have a good time when we’re together. The night usually ends with him becoming extremely affectionate with kissing. He said that the thought of taking it further and being intimate is overwhelming. I don’t know where this is coming from, as we always have such a good time together and he is the one who initiates every time we make out. Do you think this could mean anything?

 

May 21, 2022 12:11 am  #2005


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sweeetlisa wrote:

Hi Sean,
I found a gay user email address bbc4wbbtyrone@******.com in my husband's email account.  It stands for big black cock for white bare back tyrone (his username).  I researched on grinder and a bunch of other hookup/gay apps and there seems to be many men out there on the down low seeking other men for sex.  It's quite unsettling the amount of men using these apps.  On the one hand I suspect my husband is bisexual or gay (in the closet) strait acting.  On the other hand it seems as though men are sexual human beings perhaps seeking like minded sexual beings for fun (and not having to deal with emotions and women).  Almost like men simply want to enjoy raunchy sex and keep it simple,, easier to deal with man only with penis/anal penetration to receive the ultimate prostate climax, something a woman can't do as easily and on a with with a high sexual drive.  What are your thoughts on this?  I hope this is not a dumb question.  It's just that my husband seems so manly, strait acting. he doesnt know I know about his email.  I file for divorce next week, I don't plan on telling him will only cause fights, lies, drama.  Easier to be done with this. 

I hope I am wrong, but the problem here is that slang can have very different meanings.  That probably is what BBC stands for, but never heard of wbb. BB can mean bareback but never saw wbb. Possible as GBM and BBM mean gay black male and bi black male. GWM gay white male. It is very possible but odd that he would put his preferences like this.  It would be more logical to state a preference for white men or for bareback and then just sort out the rest. While some guys are only into guys of a certain race most(but not all) guys would be willing to do more than just one type of sex(with men). That is the part that throws me. The other thing gay thing that WBB could stand for is white bottom boy(which isn't much better) but makes more sense. 

There is a 10% chance that this email address is just an harmless one or is there by some weird accident or means something totally different. If you saw x rated conversations between the two I would advise you to divorce him as soon as possible but divorce is a radical step and I am hoping you have more than just an suspicious email address. If you suspect that your husband is gay(and he could be) then I think you need to list(at least to yourself) why.
 

Last edited by Diff I guess (May 21, 2022 12:22 am)

 

May 21, 2022 4:22 am  #2006


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Diff and Carnation. In reply to Carnation's post: 

1. I am seeing a guy and things are amazing when we’re together. We hit it off great and always have a good time when we’re together.

Like a gay bestie perhaps? 

2. The night usually ends with him becoming extremely affectionate with kissing. He said that the thought of taking it further and being intimate is overwhelming.

Red flag. Most younger gay men have kissed women, because kissing is easy and we're doing what's expected of us (read: date women). It's also easy to caresse, massage, and perform oral sex on a woman. But boners, or the lack thereof, don't lie. What we as gay men find "overwhelming" is penis-in-vagina sex because we're not interested in sex with vaginas, nor the women attached to them. 

3. I don’t know where this is coming from, as we always have such a good time together and he is the one who initiates every time we make out. Do you think this could mean anything?

Ask yourself this: will this relationship improve over time? When we're young, naive, childless, and fancy-free, the dating years are often the best years. If things are rocky now, imagine your relationship 20 years later, with three kids, and a mortgage. While I don't have a lot of information here, most gay/straight marriages fail because the closeted husband is not interested in sex with his wife. In fact, the closeted husband never really demonstrated a sexual interest in his girlfriend/wife. So what's my point? If he's avoiding sex and you're asking these questions here & now, I don't think this man is your prince charming. 

Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (May 21, 2022 7:11 am)

 

May 21, 2022 1:02 pm  #2007


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

carnation2976 wrote:

The night usually ends with him becoming extremely affectionate with kissing. He said that the thought of taking it further and being intimate is overwhelming. I don’t know where this is coming from, as we always have such a good time together and he is the one who initiates every time we make out. Do you think this could mean anything?

This was my experience as well with my now GXH. When we first met in our early 20's this is all we would do is have great make out sessions. I thought oh wow what a great kisser. It took a while for us to get to sexual. I would question him about it and he would say that he wanted to take his time and not rush into things. I took this as "oh what a gentleman". Never imagining that he'd be gay. Got married and it was a 13 year spiral of very minimal sex in our marriage. As Sean mentions, sex was overwhelming for him. He would blame it on stress, me, his childhood trauma etc, etc.

 

May 22, 2022 7:11 am  #2008


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I broke up with my gay ex boyfriend last year. He had been married to the same woman for 46 years when she passed away. He told me that they did not have sex until their wedding night and I thought that that was strange.

 

May 22, 2022 12:23 pm  #2009


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean wrote:

Red flag. Most younger gay men have kissed women, because kissing is easy and we're doing what's expected of us (read: date women). It's also easy to caresse, massage, and perform oral sex on a woman. But boners, or the lack thereof, don't lie. What we as gay men find "overwhelming" is penis-in-vagina sex because we're not interested in sex with vaginas, nor the women attached to them. 

Sean, I'm curious about this. While our sex was dysfunctional, with him having to watch porn beforehand in secret to perform, and preferring anal sex to the point of sexual abuse,  he did at times perform oral sex on me. He could never bring himself to caress me, though. I don't remember him ever touching my breasts our entire marriage. But oral sex he could do. It seemed to me like he was doing things he thought he "had" to do to pass - he obviously wasn't "into" any of it. So I'm very interested in why it's easy for a gay man to perform oral sex on a woman. 

One of the strange things during our marriage was that he usually had to pull out and finish himself off manually when he did put his penis in my vagina. There were some times he could finish in my vagina (we did have three kids), but most of the time if he couldn't have anal sex, he'd finish manually. I think the times he could finish in my vagina were when he brought himself to the brink with porn beforehand. I was just a masturbatory tool. 

His preferred sex was me on my side, laying faced away from him, while he penetrated me anally. Is it easier to pretend you're with a man that way? 

 

May 22, 2022 2:13 pm  #2010


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing everyone. In reply: 

Crystal wrote: 

1. This was my experience as well with my now GXH. When we first met in our early 20's this is all we would do is have great make out sessions. I thought oh wow what a great kisser. It took a while for us to get to sexual. I would question him about it and he would say that he wanted to take his time and not rush into things.

This "let's wait to have sex" approach is quite common among closeted gay men, and particularly among Evangelical closeted gay men. He often uses the excuse of "God wants us to save ourselves for marriage" to avoid having sex with a woman until the couple has married. Then once married the sex is often infrequent and completely without passion. Rather than blame her boyfriend/husband's homosexuality, the straight woman often thinks the lack of intimacy is her fault.  

2. I took this as "oh what a gentleman". Never imagining that he'd be gay. Got married and it was a 13 year spiral of very minimal sex in our marriage. As Sean mentions, sex was overwhelming for him. He would blame it on stress, me, his childhood trauma etc, etc.

I discuss this and many other things in the following "Our Path" podcasts: 

S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath
S5 Ep 5: A Former Closeted Narcissist in Recovery Answers Your Questions - OurPath

It's quite common for closeted husbands to claim "childhood trauma made me gay," particularly when his wife has caught him cheating yet again. I have yet to read a credible scientific study that proves a correlation between childhood abuse and homosexuality in men. While I'm not a mental health professional, I urge straight spouses to approach "I'm f*cking men because I was abused as a child" with a certain degree of detachment. If your husband has lied for most of your marriage and has compulsively lied about his sexuality, gay porn, and cheating with men, there is a very good possibility he's lying about and/or exaggerating claims of sexual abuse to distract his wife. Please listen to the above podcasts or read my previous posts for additional information. 

Beastie wrote:

1. Sean, I'm curious about this. While our sex was dysfunctional, with him having to watch porn beforehand in secret to perform, and preferring anal sex to the point of sexual abuse,  he did at times perform oral sex on me.

I'm so sorry he put you through this my friend. Sadly, I've read about this before and some of this mirrors my own experience as well. While my (then) wife and I never had anal sex, it's quite common for the closeted husband to treat his straight wife like a kind of sex toy or sex doll, rather than a flesh-and-blood partner. And why? The 30+ year old closeted gay husband has to imagine and/or pretend he's having sex with another man to maintain an erection. He does this by: closing his eyes during sex; turning off all the lights; refusing to kiss his wife; or perhaps demanding sexual positions that mimic male-on-male sex (like doggy-style anal for example).    

2. He could never bring himself to caress me, though. I don't remember him ever touching my breasts our entire marriage.

This is likely because he wasn't attracted to women nor their bodies. 

3. But oral sex he could do. It seemed to me like he was doing things he thought he "had" to do to pass - he obviously wasn't "into" any of it. So I'm very interested in why it's easy for a gay man to perform oral sex on a woman. 

Based on my personal experience and years of exchanging with straight spouses, I believe performing oral sex on his wife is a form of sexual compromise. By way of background, gay men are mostly divided into two categories: tops who penetrate other men; and bottoms who are penetrated. There are many other sub-categories such as versatile or "vers" (men who can both top & bottom) and "sides" (gay men who don't enjoy anal sex) but the majority of gay men identify as either tops, bottoms, or vers. While gay men can have a particular sexual identity, the homosexual male does NOT want to have sex with a woman. But he can perform oral sex on a woman as it doesn't require him to penetrate her. Gay men aren't interested in penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex, particularly if he's a bottom who prefers to be penetrated. On a more mechanical level, performing oral sex on a wife gives her an orgasm while allowing him to use his free hand(s) to masturbate...preferably to orgasm so that he can then claim, "Whoops! Well I guess we won't be having PIV sex tonight. Maybe next time." But that "next time" never comes.  

4. One of the strange things during our marriage was that he usually had to pull out and finish himself off manually when he did put his penis in my vagina.

It's hard for the 30+ year old gay man to maintain an erection during PIV sex, particularly if he's a bottom. While I could perform in my 20s, once I'd started masturbating to gay porn it was challenging for me to get aroused with my then wife. And once I'd started having sex with men, I stopped having sex with her for two reasons: first, there was no longer any desire whatsoever; and second, there was always the risk of giving her an STD/STI. Condoms were also out of the question because there is less sensation with condoms and I couldn't ask to use them without her getting suspicious as to why.  

5. There were some times he could finish in my vagina (we did have three kids)...

Likely when you were both younger but feel free to confirm. 

6. ...but most of the time if he couldn't have anal sex, he'd finish manually. I think the times he could finish in my vagina were when he brought himself to the brink with porn beforehand. I was just a masturbatory tool. 

I agree he was using you like a sex doll/sex toy. 

7. His preferred sex was me on my side, laying faced away from him, while he penetrated me anally. Is it easier to pretend you're with a man that way? 

Yes. I could better imagine I was with a man by turning off the lights, closing my eyes, or doing sexual positions that avoided face-to-face contact. 

I'm so sorry that he put you through all of this and that I did many of these terrible things to my former wife. I hope I've answered your questions but please feel free to post again. 

Last edited by Sean (May 22, 2022 2:16 pm)

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum