OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Dixie1
- New member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
No idea who these guys are. They don’t talk to him (the ones at the bar) but he physically turns from me and faces whatever TV is over their heads. Some I have felt stare at me like they are jealous. I don’t think I am imagining this. And he goes to a youth boxing gym some Saturdays to watch the teenagers wrestle. He has a client who comes in every couple of weeks and they went on an overseas trip together (supposably business) back before I knew him. He has art from that trip in his hallway, which is very weird.
I can’t believe I have been so stupid. Thank you for your honesty.
- Dixie1
- New member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Sean I looked at the coda brochure online. I am pretty much every single characteristic. Thank you for the referral
- Sean
- Member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
There is a lot to unpack here my friend so I'd recommend finding professional help. In the meantime, CODA (co-dependents anonymous) is a free resource that might help you in your journey. Many straight wives I've exchanged with over the years are caretakers and empaths who are also co-dependents. Turning now to your boyfriend, he certainly ticks all the boxes for a gay-in-denial (or "GID") husband/partner:
1. Little interest in sex with women, namely his wife/girlfriend.
2. Abusive/manipulative
3. Male "client" or "friend" who is likely a boyfriend
4. Red flags like gay porn, texting with men, cheating with men. (His wrestling fetish is a huge red flag.)
I wouldn't recommend falling down the rabbit hole of trying to unpack nor understand his sexuality. That's secondary. Based on what you've shared with me in your previous posts, you appear to be in an abusive and sexless relationship with a closeted gay man. Put bluntly, you appear to be in a burning house so I'd suggest working like hell to get the f*ck out. Hope that helps in some way my friend.
- Dixie1
- New member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
It helps more than you know. Thank you
- MJM017
- Member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Hello Dixie,
My late ex-husband was a gay man in denial. I spent about 24 years with him between dating and marriage.
I see parallels between your boyfriend and my ex. My ex wanted to wrestle with me on the floor (!!), no sex for almost the whole marriage despite lingerie, etc., he spent lots of time in public restrooms when we went out or traveled, he isolated me from friends. I suffered continual rejection and loneliness in that marriage. I divorced him a few years ago and am much, much happier without him.
There’s no reason to stay with a man, gay or not, who disrespects you. We deserve to be treated with love, care and tender affection. I hope you can leave this person as soon as you can. You deserve a lot better than this.
Best,
Maria
Last edited by MJM017 (May 4, 2021 10:24 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Dixie1
- New member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Thank you Maria...it blows my mind how many people experience this. We went out to his country club last night with his (grown) son and he kept asking the young male (pretty effeminate) waiter all about when he was going back to college, when he was coming back here, what he was majoring in. New waiter, looked VERY young. Did your husband get to the point where he was being so openly reckless? And for young men?? It’s so gross. I am trying to figure how to get out of this mess as painlessly as possible for his sweet family and me. I’m getting there.
I also have the problem that everyone in town knows he and I. I can’t see an in person therapist and can’t even safely confide in my doctor, although I know I have to. I’m looking at online therapy and groups. Did you do therapy? I have gone once before to a therapist years ago (not about this, I had no clue until right before the pandemic) and heck she seemed more messed up than me. Any words of wisdom in how you got through this would be so appreciated
- Sean
- Member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Thank you for posting MJM. You shared:
"I spent about 24 years with him between dating and marriage...I divorced him a few years ago and am much, much happier without him."
Questions: why did you decide to leave the marriage? Did you have a final realization or did he finally do something unforgiveable? No problem if you don't want to respond.
- MJM017
- Member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Hi Sean,
I snapped a few years ago & just wanted out. I couldn’t stand him any longer. The narcissism became progressively worse as the years wore on. I wish I followed my hunch that he was a gay man when I first met him. It would have saved me years of heartache.
Dixie,
I’ve had therapy on and off. Some are not a good fit for sure. I seem to do better with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It doesn’t deal with trauma per se. It helps you realistically assess your situation. The anxiety and depression decrease. I make better decisions. I feel happier.
David Burns, MD, is the psychiatrist who developed that technique. He’s a professor of Psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine. He’s down to earth and seems very caring. He has free online seminars at :
Meditation has helped me a lot to relax and improve my logical thinking about emotional issues. I’m religious so I do meditation based on that. However, there are tons of secular meditation apps. I like this one (have been doing the freebies almost daily for 5 years) -
Is it possible for you to leave? I understand when it’s not & you have to endure. Meditation helps build resilience and persistence.
Take care!
Maria
Last edited by MJM017 (May 5, 2021 3:41 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Sean
- Member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Thank you for sharing Longwayhome. Best of luck with your son's departure, his future wedding, and your upcoming retirement. Question: are you planning to separate/divorce or stay together? I wasn't quite sure what decision, if any, you'd made. Regardless, thank you for your many contributions here. Be well!
- Treelovingvegan
- Member
Offline
Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Hi Sean,
First thank you for doing this! Answering everyone’s questions!! It’s so helpful & brave of you. I have posted on this forum, desperately trying get some peace. Does my husband sound like he’s exploring:
1. He kissed “a couple- maybe 2” guys in highchsool. Quotes are his words exactly. Said he kissed boys because many guys in his boarding school were gay and he absorbs energy of his friends. Stopped kissing boys because an older man got him drunk and took advantage of him- he eluded to the older man giving my husband a blow job. He said this rape/male station was so traumatic for him that he never kissed boys after that. All this happened in highschool. He is now in his late 30s.
2. Wore my shorts to work once because he said no clean laundry
3. Sits to pee (but only in the master bathroom not our other bathrooms). He knows I’m uncomfortable with it but says it’s cleaner.
4. Watched entire Netflix series “Hollywood” which has heavy gay content (in my eyes - it seemed like soft porn- though I totally don’t know what soft porn is—-I just know this show had many gay naked men kissing & walking around)
5. Best friend from elementary school is a transvestite. I found another childhood friend of his is also now a transvestite.
I’m going nuts and have seemed to ask everyone in this forum their take. I finally mustered up the courage to ask you. He denies being gay and states he “likes vagina” . Which I believe. But I wonder if he’s more bi than gay. I’ve talked him about it now 2 times, both times he was very understanding. I don’t believe he has been unfaithful. Very kind & committed man.
Does he sound bisexual or exploring or straight?
Last edited by Treelovingvegan (May 15, 2021 10:45 pm)