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April 22, 2021 6:17 am  #1691


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks Sean. I'm still not 100 per cent sure what to think about those few years of our marriage when I had thought we were happy. I believe I truly did love him. The really bad stuff hadn't happened.  He felt like "My Real Family". We were poor then but so corny that I felt rich in some ways.  Our families and friends, and work colleagues often remarked how it was obvious he adored me and how close we were.

Then it was after having a child, me not working and earning money, we moved interstate for his work - and everything we not to shit.

Something else I thought of - he originally told people he was bisexual when he first started coming out. Son said he is definitely gay, not bi.

In hindsight and on reflection, I said in a previous post that he showed his true colors. I think it's fairer and truer to say that after I left him, I saw a very dark side to him. It was revengeful at times.

I believe also that some of the problems in the marriage had nothing to do with him being gay or even an alcoholic, and that I played a role in that - and I'm sorry and wish I had done differently. I had gone back to work for a time when my son was 2 years old, but at that time in Australia, there were not rebates for childcare, and my earnings put us into a higher tax bracket so we were no better off. I didn't look again for work though planned to. I spent time in church group, too much time when I should have looked for work.

Despite seeing his dark side, knowing definitely he was gay, I still do love him. Being older now, and since my last (heterosexual) and disastrous relationship, I no longer have any interest in sex. The lack of sex had played a big part in me leaving him and wanting to be in a sexual relationship. That means nothing to me anymore.

I'm sorry for this rambling. My dogs are snuggled up beside me. I have couple days off work and  doing some renovating. I am ok though bit tearful at times. Just sad.

Last edited by JoDownUnder (April 22, 2021 6:58 am)

 

April 23, 2021 11:38 am  #1692


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Jo. There is an excellent book that helped me unpack my own broken thinking. The title is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. I particularly enjoyed the audio version of the book which I listened to a few times before I truly understood the author's message about something she calls "the work." I highly recommend it. Be well!  

 

April 23, 2021 4:48 pm  #1693


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I am a married woman who suspects my husband is gay. He shows little interest in sex and always had. He literally could spend the rest of our marriage without it. When we do have sex it is never very passionate and never has been. Somebody told me that if he was actually gay he wouldn’t be able to have an erection or at least have a difficult time climaxing which is his opposite problem. Help! We have tried sex therapy, individual therapy, doctors, me threatening divorce. He initially responds but as soon as I calm down things are back to normal. He NEVER follows through

 

April 23, 2021 8:19 pm  #1694


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean wrote:

Thank you for sharing Jo. There is an excellent book that helped me unpack my own broken thinking. The title is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. I particularly enjoyed the audio version of the book which I listened to a few times before I truly understood the author's message about something she calls "the work." I highly recommend it. Be well!  

Thanks very much Dean. I will look for it.

Lot of people might think me unusual, but my ex-husbands partner from when he passed has made cobtact with me couple times. I met him furst time at fuberal but my son had spojen of him often.

Sonis c hgeckibg in on him today.  We were all extremely dignified and kind at the funeral- and that was n o rice and commented on.  All if us were pall bearers. At end, My son, partners ex and I all walked together arms around each other behind t h e hearse.

 

April 24, 2021 2:06 am  #1695


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Jo and Lonelylady. In response to your post: 

1. I am a married woman who suspects my husband is gay. He shows little interest in sex and always had. He literally could spend the rest of our marriage without it.

I'm so sorry you're being sexually neglected...which in my opinion is a form of abuse. This is a common red flag which manifests in several ways such as: refusing to have pre-marital sex for "religious reasons"; no sex on your wedding night; while married making bizarre excuses to avoid sex; or forcing a wife to jump through hoops just to have sex such as washing/douching right before sex.    

2. When we do have sex it is never very passionate and never has been.

Again another common red flag. Question: have you caught him watching gay porn? 

3. Somebody told me that if he was actually gay he wouldn’t be able to have an erection or at least have a difficult time climaxing which is his opposite problem.

False. While married to a woman, I could have sex and climax but only if I imagined I was having sex with a man. 

4. Help! We have tried sex therapy, individual therapy, doctors, me threatening divorce. He initially responds but as soon as I calm down things are back to normal. He NEVER follows through. 

While risky, some straight wives I've exchanged messages with have successfully "outed" their husbands the following ways: 

a. By asking him if he is "bisexual" rather than "gay." Gay is often too scary for closeted men because they risk losing the cover of heterosexual marriage so saying "I'm bisexual" is often an easier first step. 
b. By suggesting a threeway, but without saying whether the third should be a man or a woman. Closeted husbands always choose a male third partner whereas a straight man would logically choose another woman.
c. Another straight spouse lied and said she'd be willing to open up the marriage, effectively letting her husband date other people. He of course chose a man, thereby confirming his true sexual orientation. 

If you can, please provide additional details such as being secretive with his devices, watching gay porn, or cheating. Be well! 

 

May 3, 2021 6:24 pm  #1696


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Long term girlfriend of 15 years.  We probably had sex maybe 5 or six time in the first year then he was “too tired”.  I initiated all we did.  it always felt very mechanical, like I was having sex with a relative or something.  He literally sleeps with a big pillow between us when I did stay over, which I did on weekends maybe the first 10 years or so.  I had a stressful job and he has a very prominent and successful job and is a very well respected pillar in our community.  I retired a few years ago and immediately started caregiving for family and parents, all who have passed, the last being my Mom a month ago.  I am just now allowing myself to open my eyes and really think about what the heck I have been doing with this man and why.

I blamed myself for his lack of attraction and did everything I could think of to “be better”, changed my hair, clothing, became an excellent cook, had plastic surgery (breasts), changed my hair color and style about a million times.  I bought a hot tub for him, never used.  Wore lingerie to bed, walked around naked, etc.  Nothing worked. 

He seldom talks about anything other than surface things.  He  won’t accept gifts from me and if I do give him anything he usually gives it straight to Goodwill.  He won’t listen to me re any problems I am having, just changes the subject.  We have never gone on a vacation alone, always with his kids, who I love dearly.  We never never talk about anything deep.  We go to dinner.  That’s basically it other than he treated my family so, so kindly during our long ordeal of sicknesses and death.

A couple of years ago before I had to start 24/7 caregiving, he started showing himself to me, maybe on purpose maybe not.  He would always insist to sit at the bar in a restaurant, never a table and would talk quite a bit to young male waiters.  He would excuse himself to go to the bathroom and I would notice him talking to those same bartenders near the bathroom quite often.  He tipped them quite well and they fawn over him.  Sometimes, more now than before, we will be at a restaurant bar and a young nervous guy will come in and sit next to him.  I get a real vibe from him and he will literally turn away from me to face the young guy.  It is a different guy each time.  A lifelong friend of his made a joking comment the other night saying he (the friend) could never be gay because he can’t stand the thought of a colonoscopy.  He looked at my fellow and said in his direction “sorry”! 

 He doesn’t like me to have friends or go anywhere without him.  If we do go anywhere it is very controlled and we have to leave within about an hour.  

I love him as a person, I could love him more if he loved me like a man should love a woman.  I don’t want to cause a big problem for him in our small town.  I certainly don’t want to hurt his family.  I’m completely stuck.

So after  all this ranting, my question is could I possibly, in any universe, be wrong on this?  

 

May 4, 2021 7:11 am  #1697


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Please don't blame yourself. It is not you-he is attracted to men. Him not wanting sex is not normal in my opinion. The next time he is talking to a man, look at his eyes. If he is looking at a man with lust in his eyes, it is a sign that he's gay. My long term boyfriend started putting a cat between us in bed about four years ago. To me, these are all red flags. I am so sorry. I was also deceived by a gay man passing as hetrosexual. It is a shame that there is not a law against it. I will hold a good thought for you.

 

May 4, 2021 10:40 am  #1698


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Dixie and Gloria. I'm going to take a different approach and focus on your relationship Dixie before discussing your boyfriend's sexuality. You wrote: 

1. I love him as a person...

and your definition of love appears to be the following (these are your own words): 

2. Sex/Intimacy: 

- had sex maybe 5 or six times in the first year
- sex always felt very mechanical, like having sex with a relative 
- sleeps with a big pillow between us

3. Your relationship: 

- he seldom talks about anything other than surface things
- he won’t accept gifts from me and if I do give him anything he usually gives it straight to Goodwill
- he won’t listen to me
- we have never gone on a vacation alone

4. His behaviour: 

- he would always insist to sit at the bar in a restaurant, never a table and would talk quite a bit to young male waiters
-  he would excuse himself to go to the bathroom and I would notice him talking to those same bartenders near the bathroom quite often
- he tipped [staff] quite well and they fawn over him
- we will be at a restaurant bar and a young nervous guy will come in and sit next to him
- he will literally turn away from me to face the young guy
- it is a different guy each time.
- he doesn’t like me to have friends or go anywhere without him
- if we do go anywhere it is very controlled and we have to leave within about an hour

5. How this makes you feel: 

- I blame myself for his lack of attraction
- did everything I could think of to “be better"
- I bought a hot tub for him, never used
- Wore lingerie to bed, walked around naked...nothing worked 
- I don’t want to cause a big problem for him in our small town
- I certainly don’t want to hurt his family
- I’m completely stuck

Imaging if your daughter/step-daughter came to you and described the following relationship with her boyfriend: 

- sexless
- zero intimacy 
- little to no communication
- her boyfriend openly flirts with men when they dine out
- she's desperately unhappy and blames herself for the lack of sex/intimacy

My question for you is as follows: what advice would you give your daughter/step-daughter if she described the above relationship? Please post your answer then I'll comment on your reply and share my opinion about your boyfriend. Be well! 

 

May 4, 2021 11:56 am  #1699


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for this.  I have spent so much danged time (years!) wondering what was wrong with me.  It helps so much to see it in black and white using my own words.  I would never want anyone to waste their precious time and love like I have.  I always pushed everything I felt to one side because I didn’t want to upset anyone...everyone likes him, respects him but it is all a house of cards.  I spent so many years caring for sick family it was easier to just push this aside to deal with later.  After my Mama passed in March, my caregiving duties are now over.   I am in limbo about what to do when you don’t have anyone to take care of!  But...for the first time this is MY time.  I have to figure this out.

 

May 4, 2021 12:32 pm  #1700


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for replying Dixie. You shared: 

"Sometimes, more now than before, we will be at a restaurant bar and a young nervous guy will come in and sit next to him.  I get a real vibe from him and he will literally turn away from me to face the young guy.  It is a different guy each time." 

This is so f*cked up it makes my teeth hurt. My questions are: 

1. Who are these young men? 
2. How does your boyfriend justify these men showing up while you're out together? 

I look forward to your responses. While I don't have a lot of information here, I'd suggest finding a counsellor or therapist who can help you understand that you deserve so much better than this complete loser. Setting aside the issue of his sexuality, I mean *sshole doesn't even start to describe how abusive and disrespectful this man is. You're better than this my friend. You mentioned feeling like a caretaker at times so I'd recommend visiting www.coda.org as a free resource. Please feel free to post again. Be well! 

 

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