Dutchman wrote:

I'm sorry it sounds that way to you, it was not my intention to imply that. I was thinking about stories where the straight spouses generaly try hard to save the marriage, but a gay spouse who isn´t comitted and/or just using the marriage for selfish reasons. 

Thanks for clarifying. Text based communication doesn't always convey tone or intent.
 

Some come here to seek support while in an abusive relation. It is, or becomes, very clear that the LGBT spouse is lying, cheating, gaslighting. And not like a mistake because they are confused and feeling troubled themselves not knowing what to do, but in a mean and evil way. 
There is no excuse for such malicious behaviour, and they should be exposed for what they are. I'm all for that! I have no sympathy for those shit heads. I would have to revert to Dutch to really have the words to express the anger that causes me!
 
But SSN has a much more general outlook. It's for straight spouses who find themselves in a relation with a LGBT. At least, that's what it claims to be.
And thus the situation of straight spouses visiting is much more diverse than those mentioned above. Therefor it'll do them no favor to be pressed into a single mold.

Some posters seem to think it's okay to fire away guns blazing, and it's up to the visitor to escape the barrage if it's not applicable.
But I'm afraid this approach will do a lot of collateral damage.

A straight spouse who is confronted with a situation where they recently found out to be in a MOM, is at a very vulnerable position. With lots of uncertainty and emotional stress at play. Their marriage is at a crossroad. Deciding the right turn isn't that clear cut. 
It could well be decisive how the couple handle the situation at that stage, what the outcome will be. This can be a delicate matter, where the initial actions and stance of the straight spouse matters a lot. (not withstanding the responsibility and choices the gay spouse also have to make).
So delicate and considered advice is appropriate. There are different possible outcomes, after all it's very important what the personality and character of "that gay spouse" really is. 

Problem of SSN is that there is little or no room for this balanced approach. Verdict has to be quick and on the spot. Well... NO!
Sure, sometimes it can and the guns blazing barrage is called for, but often it's not that simple.

I think TangledOil's motivation to start this topic is to point out this lack in the current format. And I agree.

Last edited by Dutchman (May 24, 2021 9:51 am)

If I had to summarize this topic, I think I'd say "Don't jump to conclusions on possibly incomplete information."
Easier said than done I readily admit.

Dutchman wrote:

I would not classify it as "clearly inappropriate posts". So it's not what the admins have to guard against.

Can we think of a system (or formal rules) that helps to guide (first time) visitors to the responses that are truly appropriate for their situation given the point of their journey and information at hand?
In my opinion it would really (!) improve SSN if it would function that way.

It would impede a person’s understanding of the breadth and depth of a straight partner’s dilemma. It would also impede one’s knowledge of why an LGBTQI+ may choose to marry a straight person. I still don’t know what motivated my late GIDXH to marry a straight person. Am guessing he was born with a personality disorder. 


I could be wrong.  Was he beaten by his father when my late xh was 4 years old for crying because he received a fire truck from Santa instead of the baby doll he wanted?  Was that the start of his disorder? Did he continue acting like a “sissy”  because he was himself? A young child knows no difference.  Did hid dad try to beat him into being straight?

Let newcomers decide for themselves what’s appropriate. I learned a lot from OMG he’s a gay narcissist. Get out now!! and stick with the marriage no matter what. It works for us!!

Newcomers aren’t the fragile flowers you make them out to be, in my opinion.

Isn't this is the straight spouses forum?  

Generally we arrive here having been hurt and confused by our non-straight partner and could really do without being met by the notion that straights should be happy married to bisexuals.





 

Last edited by lily (May 24, 2021 2:15 pm)