It sounds like your moment arrived. That calm realization of "I don't want this" is a perfect description. Your vows never included a promise to watch him bloom into a new gender.

If you can, get a therapist. They can help so much. You may need to try a few until you find a good fit.

But personally, I spent about two years in a state of sheer rage. There was a guttural, animal scream in my heart that only went away with time. The faster you can get out, get away, and start a new the better chance you have of shortening this timeframe.

Stay strong.

"How do any of you cope knowing your relationship is over due to nothing you have done?" - Hello Britty

I'm sorry you have to be here. That's a really hard hump to get over and I'm not over it yet, probably won't entirely for a long while. I was so very angry and bitter for a long while; but I'm moving forward.  What's really helped me a lot is all of the baby steps.  They seem so insignificant sometimes; but they're really important.  Every little thing that I have done to start my new life is a baby step.  You can find some of them on the First Aid thread.  Little things like secretly making copies of our financials, removing him as a signer on my credit card, making copies of my proof/validations, getting a safe box, getting things for my new place once I got it, making copies of pictures, cleaning my files off of our computer, etc.  I'm living between the marital home and my new home to be near my girls now.  I have dinner there and sleep in my new home.  It's a weird state of being; but I don't think we are far from the divorce being finalized.  Wow!  All of those baby steps have helped me build my new life.  I didn't want to do them; but in hindsight I am so glad I did.  Focusing on the lies, cheating, betrayals brings you down; focusing on your new life edifies you.  And I know that in the beginning we really need to focus on the lies, cheating and betrayals for a while to validate them.  That's a part of this journey.  What little things do you need to focus on now that you know your marriage will be ending? What can you do?

Also, journaling is a great help.  It validates me, proves he's been lying and helps me see how all the little things changed the big things.  I would cry until I couldn't cry any more and then got down to work.  What work can you do to begin your post-divorce life?

 

It is 10:54PM and I have not cried; but my head has not hit the pillow yet either.  So I was driving home from my marital home and realized something about myself and maybe it will help you.; I hope it will help you.  I have been angry and lamenting that he stole 22 years of my prime. I have cried and bawled and thrown things and walked miles and miles and miles trying to work that out.  Well, no he didn't.  My prime is yet to come.  I'm still taking baby steps; but I know my best is yet to come.   He will get to see that he missed out on the very best years of my life.  They were not with a lying, cheater,  I'm working on making the next 52 my best.  Hope this helps.

I'm sorry to hear your husband is escalating and hiding these things.  But sadly I can relate.  Keep in mind that unless you want to be married to a woman or be forced to divorce one, you might want to start making arrangements to file sooner rather than later.  Once my stbx started down the path, I put in motion filing for divorce because I do not wish to be married to a woman and there is nothing to stop him from changing his legal identity before a divorce can be finalized.  I know of other women who have had to divorce a "wife" instead of a husband and that wasn't going to be me. 

Isn’t some of the cost towards his MTF process being paid by your spouse? It’s really expensive. This isn’t fair for him to decide unilaterally what he wants. It’s selfish and makes you stuck there due to money issues.

In my opinion, he should slow this down. He should pay  for your very real needs for separate housing and therapy for healing.  I would encourage you to bring this up to him. Negotiate dollar for dollar. Set strong boundaries. It’ll serve you down the road as the marriage goes towards divorce.

Take care!
Maria