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April 29, 2021 10:18 am  #21


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

Blue Bear, you're the reality check, that I needed. Thank you.  The questions are answers, in that there are so many that they sort of answer themselves. If that even makes sense.  I'm confused because it's by his design.  He seems to have had affairs with both men and women, if I'm being honest. It is baffling because I never considered his sexuality to be in question.  I'm dismayed that he would have exposed his unborn children to a multitude of diseases. That seems abusive. I'm so exhausted that its hard to function. I think this must be why his mother's health is the way it is. So what am I going to do? I am going to cut my losses and formally divorce. This is a nightmare not a marriage. 

Become your own best friend and remember to treat yourself that way, at all times. --thank you! 


 

 

April 29, 2021 11:56 am  #22


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

I'm glad to hear it.  When a relationship is abusive like this, "out" is the only option.  Hire a good attorney, but don't tell him that you're doing it.  Look out for you.  You've got this!

 

May 13, 2021 11:24 am  #23


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

Hoping you're doing well WF2020.

For those struggling with this and looking for a resource, I'd recommend 'Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity'. The quotes below may be relevant:

A useful measure for whether a relationship is a friendship or an affair is the degree of secrecy that surrounds it.

And:

Apologies and promises alone are not enough to rebuild trust; reassurance comes only with observable change.

Fingers crossed that you are on your path towards a happier life (with the secrets)!

Last edited by Upside (May 13, 2021 11:29 am)

 

May 14, 2021 10:43 pm  #24


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

I had these suspicions in my own vault. I also felt bad for him. I have to admit that has changed. I am ashamed to say I brought up the suspicions in a heated exchange.  I then quickly tried to bring up a female cheating partners, but it was too late. He was furious. I’m now terrified about legal abuse tactics and the potential fallout. I feel like such an idiot for letting my emotions get out of control. I’m really just upset with myself.

     Thread Starter
 

May 14, 2021 11:54 pm  #25


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

WF2020 wrote:

I had these suspicions in my own vault. I also felt bad for him. I have to admit that has changed. I am ashamed to say I brought up the suspicions in a heated exchange.  I then quickly tried to bring up a female cheating partners, but it was too late. He was furious. I’m now terrified about legal abuse tactics and the potential fallout. I feel like such an idiot for letting my emotions get out of control. I’m really just upset with myself.

Him being furious at you for his bad behaviour is typical of cheating abusers.  Dont be hard on yourself - believe me we've all lost our cool on occasion. You are contending with a huge emotional storm.

Breathing exercises helped me, and centering, helped lower the anxiety and fear so I could think.

Try not to engage in any fruitless and hurtful discussion with your partner - its a waste of energy and keeps you focused on them instead of on you and your needs.

Do Try and see a lawyer - they can inform you of options and procedures to help with the financial side of separation. Knowing what you need to do is half the battle.

Do you have a support network - family, friends - who you can turn to? Can you seek support from a domestic abuse hotline or shelter? Things can escalate fast sometimes when partners get a whiff of noncompliance.

You don't have to keep your partner's secrets or dance to their tune. Do what's good for your own safety and future wellbeing.

Be careful, be safe, please get away ASAP.

 

May 15, 2021 6:43 am  #26


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

In my opinion, I believe that he is gay.

 

May 15, 2021 7:09 pm  #27


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

Soaplife,thank you. When I asked him about other men he threatened to make my life hell through the legal system. And that he wanted to know who was saying that bc he would take them down. I mean if there is nothing out there then why the big reaction?!
I then really got scared. I’m still scared about what legal abuse is going to come now. I told him I wouldn’t bring any of that up, I just wanted a clean break.

Gloria, thank you. I never thought  my husband was a cheater now the prospect of one that has cheated with both is just a really unexpected place to be in life. I

     Thread Starter
 

May 15, 2021 7:24 pm  #28


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

WF2020 wrote:

I had these suspicions in my own vault. I also felt bad for him. I have to admit that has changed. I am ashamed to say I brought up the suspicions in a heated exchange.  I then quickly tried to bring up a female cheating partners, but it was too late. He was furious. I’m now terrified about legal abuse tactics and the potential fallout. I feel like such an idiot for letting my emotions get out of control. I’m really just upset with myself.

Don’t be upset with yourself for being human. It was a natural response. Be kind to yourself.

 

May 15, 2021 8:40 pm  #29


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

so I hope you aren't going to mention the gay thing to him again.  I hope you have family or a support network who can help you. yes, be kind to yourself, even in the way you think.  a few deep breaths and I used to find going for a walk very helpful in getting my thoughts in order.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

June 13, 2021 1:34 pm  #30


Re: So confused by all the secrets..

Did any of you have spouses with long time “friends” that may have been more than friends? My stbx has had a same sex friend for as long as I’ve known him. This guy was our third wheel as newlyweds. He would spend long weekends at our house, come on vacations with us. He eventually got married himself and she and my husband hated each other. They enjoy going off alone together. My stbx hangs out late at night in the garage talking to him for hours at the time. I overheard mine bashing me to him, and them laughing. They are outdoors men and go off to remote places to hunt and have for years. This guys wife told me she thought they were gay, then later said she was only kidding. She even left him at one point.
My stbx is a serial cheater, he’s had multiple affairs with women but this same sex question is throwing me for a loop.
Is that “normal” behavior or abnormal male behavior?
I know I shouldn’t waste too much time on this since  we are separating anyway. Just curious if any of those things seem odd.

Thanks!

     Thread Starter
 

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