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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 29, 2021 9:18 am  #1


Confused male with a bisexual partner

So today I discovered that my bisexual partner is posting on an open bisexual website a request for help, this is on an open forum so no hacking, I just put two and two together and found this-“  I’m a 50 year old woman currently in a heterosexual relationship. I have also been married to a woman for 8 years. I have only admitted to myself last year that I am bisexual. When I was with my female partner I still found men attractive and couldn’t get my head round it as she was a real man hater. When the relationship ended I felt like I was no good at female relationships either so went back to men but there is so much I miss about a female relationship. My current partner knows I am bisexual to make it even more complicated he was paralysed in a mountain biking accident last year after we were only together 4 months as a normal couple. I can’t imagine never being with a woman again. I’m so conflicted over what to do he had said that he would be ok if I wanted to sleep with a female again but I don’t know if that would be enough.” 

yes I’m the disabled guy, my question in my very confused head is:- is she using my disability as an excuse to explore her bisexuality? I’m gutted given that I am offering her cake and letting her eat it also.

 

March 29, 2021 10:44 am  #2


Re: Confused male with a bisexual partner

Welcome, I’m sorry you find yourself here. As if dealing with a recent disability isn’t difficult enough-I think your partner sounds very confused. I would strongly suggest you both take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship, it sounds like you’ve been together only a short while. 

If this is happening this soon into the relationship, take it as a warning sign, this is truly not the kind of life partner you want nor need or deserve quite frankly.  Although a very difficult, painful discovery. It truly is better to know where you truly stand.

Please take care of yourself and post as much as you want, need. Know you aren’t alone, we all understand the awful pain this causes.

 

March 29, 2021 12:11 pm  #3


Re: Confused male with a bisexual partner

@longwayhome, thanks for taking the time to reply, we’ve been together for 18 months now, she’s actually helped me no end since my accident, therefore I’m torn about how much she gave me after such a short time together, she announced her bisexuality last August. Me being the empath that I am, I took time to understand what that actually meant and how much of an internal battle she has had, seeing this on line really annoyed me though. Bizarrely her admission last August had opened up a channel of communication that we previously hadn’t had before......complex? You bet. 

     Thread Starter
 

March 29, 2021 12:47 pm  #4


Re: Confused male with a bisexual partner

Yes it’s all very complex, familiar yet unique. I can understand that she helped you a great deal after your accident, it’s good that you are appreciative of it, just make sure you don’ make yourself feel indebted to her. There are people who help when we live through difficult times. They seem to come into your life for a season, and then they need to leave. Make sure you understand,  you can never pay them back, but you can always pay it forward.

Take your time, one day at a time. If you can be honest and communicate, both of you, it will make it emotionally easier to bear. So hope for the best but also start asking what you truly want?? You matter, this is your life too.

Last edited by longwayhome (March 29, 2021 12:50 pm)

 

March 29, 2021 3:16 pm  #5


Re: Confused male with a bisexual partner

If she was married to a woman for eight years and she’s only recently coming to the idea that she is bisexual that must mean that she previously believed herself to be lesbian. Am I understanding this correctly? I’ve heard it said by some bisexuals and gays/lesbians that discovering their sexuality can take (the better part of) a lifetime. Certainly that’s not the case for everyone, but some find it difficult to figure themselves out. I think I’d be concerned that it seems she’s considered herself lesbian until only recently. The two of you definitely need some (and probably many) open and honest conversations about what it truly going on. 

Wishing you the best and take care of yourself. 

Tangled 

 

March 30, 2021 7:31 am  #6


Re: Confused male with a bisexual partner

TangledOil wrote:

If she was married to a woman for eight years and she’s only recently coming to the idea that she is bisexual that must mean that she previously believed herself to be lesbian. Am I understanding this correctly? I’ve heard it said by some bisexuals and gays/lesbians that discovering their sexuality can take (the better part of) a lifetime. Certainly that’s not the case for everyone, but some find it difficult to figure themselves out. I think I’d be concerned that it seems she’s considered herself lesbian until only recently. The two of you definitely need some (and probably many) open and honest conversations about what it truly going on. 

Wishing you the best and take care of yourself. 

Tangled 

Thanks tangled, it’s an interesting one and a good question, when we first got together I talked to her at length about the very same subject, her answer was that she fell in love with the soul of her partner and not the gender and therefore she never thought of herself as lesbian.....so I said well that means you must be bisexual to which I got a stunned reply of silence. 

     Thread Starter
 

March 30, 2021 7:35 am  #7


Re: Confused male with a bisexual partner

longwayhome wrote:

Yes it’s all very complex, familiar yet unique. I can understand that she helped you a great deal after your accident, it’s good that you are appreciative of it, just make sure you don’ make yourself feel indebted to her. There are people who help when we live through difficult times. They seem to come into your life for a season, and then they need to leave. Make sure you understand, you can never pay them back, but you can always pay it forward.

Take your time, one day at a time. If you can be honest and communicate, both of you, it will make it emotionally easier to bear. So hope for the best but also start asking what you truly want?? You matter, this is your life too.

once again, thanks for this very perceptive answer, I agree with the bit about people coming into our lives at the right time for a reason, I hadn’t considered the indebted bit, to be honest I don’t, although I’m extremely grateful to her. 

     Thread Starter
 

March 30, 2021 11:35 am  #8


Re: Confused male with a bisexual partner

Tangled Oil wrote:
 "I’ve heard it said by some bisexuals and gays/lesbians that discovering their sexuality can take (the better part of) a lifetime."

I guess everyone needs a hobby.  Problems arise when those on this voyage of discovery don't inform their partners--from the get go--that this is their life project.  Too many of us are duped or manipulated into partnership with them, and then have the information dropped on us (or discover) that our partners are not who they told us they were.  To make matters worse, after the disclosure or discovery, too many of our partners then continue to try to manipulate us, or expect us to not only take the new information in stride, but willingly support our partners while stinting our own needs.  

 

 

March 30, 2021 3:41 pm  #9


Re: Confused male with a bisexual partner

OutofHisCloset wrote:

I guess everyone needs a hobby.  Problems arise when those on this voyage of discovery don't inform their partners--from the get go--that this is their life project.
 

This is gold.

ItsClem -

I'm so sorry you're facing this...especially right now. My spidey sense is tingling and not in a good way.

May I clarify a few items?

• You started dating her 18 months ago. She told you 8 months ago she was bisexual, after you talked to her about loving men and women. Is this correct?

• When were you injured?

• How did you meet and who initiated the relationship?

• Was she employed with her previous female partner?

• Is she employed now?

 

April 1, 2021 10:22 am  #10


Re: Confused male with a bisexual partner

@upside

we met 18 months ago via match.com. She told me pretty much straight away that her previous spouse was a woman, so we chatted initially about that, ie she told me that she fell in love with the soul and not the sex of her spouse, I thought fair enough, and obviously asked, so what’s changed in her seeking a hetro relationship, she said she missed the male form. I was injured  about 18 weeks after we first met, I was in hospital with my injury from January 20 til June 20, she realised she was bi in January 20 and admitted to me her sexuality in august 20. She met her previous partner at work, they no longer work with each other.

be honest, what are you thinking please?

     Thread Starter
 

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