OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Upside
- Member
Offline 
Re: What happens now?
JStevens, I know it may be challenging to hear, but the advice in this thread is more valuable than gold.
Last year, I also believed a MOM (mixed-orientation marriage) could work. I believed we were different. My wife made endless promises. So much hope. That hope went away when I found her secret affairs with women.
Trust, but verify. Always.
Women who stay with men in this situation tend to do so for monetary reasons or to have children before they leave. Be careful in both areas. Do not have children right now until the dust fully settles from this, which may take years.
I did not listen. You may not. But know that for some reason this pattern is nearly constant.
Wishing you strength and happiness.
- SusanneH
- Member
Offline
Re: What happens now?
Jstevens wrote:
I've been feeling good about everything again. Is there really no way for this to work?
To say there’s “no way” is about the same as saying “it’s a sure thing it’s going to work”. The only thing there’s really no way to know for sure, is there’s really no way to know anything for sure. This is something to take one day at a time/ one thing that comes along at a time.... It doesn’t usually happen overnight unless one of the spouses literally says ‘it’s over. I want out.”...and, even then, I’ve seen it turn around (my parents divorced each other & within a year -after counseling- got remarried to each other- so, you never know).
To start, BOTH spouses have to want it. I re-read your posts & couldn’t tell if your wife if actively dating/having sex with other women. If so, that is cheating and would have to stop for your relationship to have a chance. Like said before, it’s ACTIONS, not words that count. So, unless you want an open marriage, she would have to stop seeing all women.
Honesty would also have to be right at the top of the list of “must do’s”.
To have it work, you need to have MANY open and honest talks. Communicate. If both of you truly care, then listen to each others’ needs and love each other. Again, it takes BOTH to do this. My husband & I set aside one day a week (you can do it whenever/however often you want) to talk to each other about issues that came up during the week. We also used communication workbooks to learn to communicate without arguing. We didn’t have a problem with that before, but we only did ‘lightweight’ communicating.....nothing really important) You need to talk about the important things in your lives.
Therapy. First, each of you needs individual counseling. Then, when you get your footing & both of you feel you ‘know’ yourselves better, then a good idea is couples’ counseling. Find someone qualified with LGBT & interview THEM before hiring them.
Be good to each other. Try to understand one another. Be careful not to say hurtful things that can not be taken back. It can work........ not saying it’s easy. BOTH of you need to be on board....
Best of luck. I can see how much you want it to work....now, does she?
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: What happens now?
.......She said she wants us to work and will do everything possible. I am supportive and try to incorporate her interests into our sex life. We have a perfect relationship. We love each other, we spend time together and so many laughs. Truly feel this is my soul mate. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be strong and hold it together while she figures this out but feel anxious and sick like my life is ending and I cannot do anything. Those who have been here, what happens now?
You can never be 'in her head' though. She can promise anything and you don't know what she's really thinking. While she's figuring this out you need to figure yourself out. How can a woman you think is your soulmate...need time to figure out anything! If she figures out she needs a woman and not you or as well as you....could you live like that?
All your energy is on a track that only knows your perfect r'ship. Your wife's energy is incorporating you + another. One is the 'comfortable shoe' and the other is a new exciting high-heeled discovery.
I do hope you're able to talk to a good friend/family member about this. More difficult for a man I do realise
Elle
KIA KAHA