Aurora Moon,
    You can't "get past it" because it's still ongoing.  He's given you plenty of evidence that he isn't willing to engage; he should be the one locating therapists and support groups, but instead he puts off going to those you've found, and wants to return to the old status quo.  Given that these are his actions, I'd say that you are fully justified in asking for a period of separation so you can engage in some self care, and indeed, that you are long overdue to seek it for yourself.  I don't remember if you seeing a therapist who is schooled in this kind of relationship/betrayal trauma caused by a hidden sexual orientation in one's partner, but contacting one to see while you are separated would I'm sure help you going forward.
   Longwayhome posted a link to an Omar Minwalla article under the "general" section above this one.  I'll bet if you read it you will recognize a lot of your situation in it.  

Aurora

It's hard..these spouses have no concept of the anxiety and stress they cause.. what you are feeling is the awful and horrible weight of TGT.

I thought about this a lot and it boils down to distrust and fear..when they go out with a friend is it two friends getting together or is it a date.   I recall my GX would say "we're just friends" and "what is your problem, you go out with friends" (but I'm not having sex with my friends)..
I used to physically shake from the distrust and trauma. The anxiety and doubt permeated every minute of my life.

Know that your feelings are real and even if you can rationalize it away your body may still react to his keeping things from you..  I think it is our bodies trying to protect us even when our mind is not..
  It is sad...and unless your husband is an extraordinary person I honestly don't know what proofs he or any spouse can offer to regain our trust from this..  (one reason I don't frequent the MOM section).

The fact that they dont understand how much they hurt us or, in some cases like mine , really don't care is not something we can somehow fix...separation or divorce is really like saving or protecting yourself from the anxiety and mistrust.. so you have something left of you for you and your kids.

Elle,
I lived as a roommate with GX for 2.5 years while divorcing and we certainly  didn't want sex with each other.  She was a horrible roommate though..incredibly mean and angry. It was as toxic and F uped situation as it gets. If you're getting along with yours to some degree you're doing better than many..

Last edited by Rob (March 15, 2021 9:48 am)

Rob wrote:
"Know that your feelings are real and even if you can rationalize it away your body may still react to his keeping things from you..  I think it is our bodies trying to protect us even when our mind is not.."

The Omar Minwalla article that Longwayhome posted a link to addresses this specifically.  It says that living in this inherently abusive situation we sometimes do rationalize away the feelings that we have.  

Here's a quote from the article [my emphasis in bold type]:

2. Erosion of Enteric System and Second Brain Injury.
During the covert phase, partners are likely to detect (consciously or subconsciously) threats in their environment; they are likely to subtly detect the presence of a secret sexual basement, even though they are not aware of it on a conscious level. However, these individuals often are not sure about where these feelings originate from. There is a fundamental incongruence between the victim’s gut instincts and their partner’s definitions of reality. As a result, victims may experience confusion and chaos. They may struggle to understand what is happening to them and to make sense of their second brain signals and survival impulses.

   In addition, partners are often gaslighted by their abusers (Jason, 2009; Jason & Minwalla, 2009). Gaslighting (Dorpat, 1994, 1996; Gass & Nichols, 1988) is the process in which the abuser intentionally manipulates their partner’s reality in order to protect reality and the truth from becoming known or discovered by their partner (Jason, 2009). If the victim decides to trust their partner’s definitions of reality, the victim learns (over time) to distrust and ignore their healthy survival gut instincts. The victim loses their ability to depend on their internal system of detecting threats and propelling instincts to survive. In addition, they may eventually become generally hypervigilant and distrusting. Sometimes victims even become reliant on the perpetrator’s reality and use it as an adapted “survival instinct.” If the ability to utilize one’s own intuition is so compromised and abused and/or if the victim has been manipulated into deep dependency and reliance on the perpetrator’s definition and mandate of reality, then the victim may not be able to generate or act on emancipation impulses (so the idea of “just leaving” is not reality-based for some partners).
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 15, 2021 10:45 am)

AuroraMoon:  Your therapist sucks.  Your therapist sounds like they are telling you to suck it up and live in the closet with a gay man so you can provide a nice beard for him.  Your therapist is telling you that you should make your needs small for a dishonest man who is utterly using you.  That is INSANE.

You are exactly right.  You should NOT have to defend why you don't want to be married to a man who isn't straight, and lied to you about that fact.