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October 19, 2016 9:38 am  #1


The Penny just dropped

Hi All

I am out of breath and don't know if I want to cry or scream or just be sad.  I posted here in the past searching for clues, answers and reasons that I am not going crazy thinking my wonderful husband might be gay/bi.  While in secret hoped to find the opposite...  No more.

After futile attempts to find solid proof (and great financial loss) I asked him directly if there was anything romantically going on between him and a male friend. He denied it, but was so calm about it that it raised my further suspicion.  Still, I decided to accept it as the truth and move on.  So, this weekend I helped set up his new phone and also his FB page.  One of his friend caught my attention and I searched the friends profile.  He was bi sexual.  Monday morning I first searched all his friends unknown to me and guess what?? Lot of them gay/bi.  Even Mr Gay 2015.  Most of these friends centred to where he often travel for work.  Still, I was trying to find a reason for this - knowing I am in denial.  Today I found that he follows gay and bi sexual men all over the world on social media...!  This is my wake up moment where I cannot ignore or reason this away.  I know what to do next, but I feel so floored that I just want to run away and never come back.

I now fully understand what you all went through.  I am so grateful that I had your stories to read and your advise to make me stronger in this moment.  It doesn't make it any easier or less painful, but knowing that a lot of other men and women went through this and survived this do make a huge difference in me going home tonight.  I am in a whole different country than you, but could not find support groups in my own country. I cannot speak to my family, only one friend.  

Thank you for you all.

Last edited by Mrs Lonely (October 19, 2016 9:47 am)

 

October 19, 2016 10:29 am  #2


Re: The Penny just dropped

Mrs Lonely, 

I'm so sorry.  You are right.. we have all been there ourselves and we will all be here for you as well. 

I remember a very strange feeling of validation when I finally found out the truth.  How can such terrible news actually make me feel good for a few minutes?  But I knew that I was right the whole time, I wasn't crazy, I wasn't bad for thinking what I thought or not trusting my spouse.   I wonder if you felt that as well. 

Unfortunately that feeling of validation lasted only a short time and was over-run by pain, shock, grief, tears, etc.. It's horrible!   I feel for you!

Please take care of yourself.  Get yourself tested for STD's, think about medicine for sleep and anxiety, try to find a councilor, family, friends and some kind of support group.  Don't try to keep his secret for his sake.. do what you need to get support and get healthy.  Look into the laws for divorce in your country and perhaps consult an attorney and start to educate yourself and plan to protect yourself. 

You will survive this!  You are stronger than you know.   You will come through it and your life will be better in the future.. Much Better!   You will find a great guy who will love you the way you deserve to be loved and you'll find joy.  Just hold on tight for a while and get through the worst of it.  It will pass. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 19, 2016 10:51 am  #3


Re: The Penny just dropped

Thank you lostdad

I scheduled an appointment earlier this week  to get tested because I am at the point where I do not kiss my kids on the mouth and mrun for a plaster when I have a cut. I know my husband is ignorant in staying save couse I am the one who protected us from HIV and pregnancy beforr we got married.

Strange thing but yes I did felt relieved for one moment - just that validation that I do not have a twisted mind. At this moment I experience so much mixed emotions that I cant keep up. I cant even think about what to do next.

And yes, once I figured out how to keep my kids and that I will be financially okay I will sue for divorce. Not because his GBT or whatever. But for my own safety, to be happy again and to get rid of a lying manipulative cheater.  I always told him that if he ever cheated on me I will leave him. I was talking about women, men do not change that.

 

October 19, 2016 11:06 am  #4


Re: The Penny just dropped

You are doing great already.   Just take one step at a time and handle what you can.  Don't stress about what you can't control and leave future decisions for the future.  You are already on the road to recovery.. it's going to hurt for a while, but it will get better. 

Keep posting here.  Ask as many questions and tell as much of your story as you wish.  We will all be here to help you as much as we can. 

Blessings to you... you deserve them!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 19, 2016 2:06 pm  #5


Re: The Penny just dropped

M Lonely,

It is a shock.  I was a basket case when I found out...I could hardly do anything. Crushed I was ..like all the wind was punched out of me.
As others said start building your support system.  You sound like your off to a good start already.
Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up over this..it is all him...he lied to your face...that's reason enough to know he doesn't care about or respect you. Shocking but there it is..the real truth.

Billie yeah..my exs girlfriend's family was  all gay.  The girlfriend was a married closeted home wrecker also.  So many red flags about her friend and friends were there...snoop I did and what I found was horrible. 

A sincere virtual hug.

Last edited by Rob (October 19, 2016 2:14 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 19, 2016 10:33 pm  #6


Re: The Penny just dropped

Billie I'm so sorry you had to bear with such horrible things. As if the lies and cheating isnt horrible enough. The worry over catching something filthy.

I felt so filthy when spying on him. I never thought that the proof I needed will be hiding in plain sight on FB. I was blindsided by deleted chat and internet histories. Rob I ask myself will I ever trust someone again. This man I trusted above all else and he proved to be the biggest liar of them all.

luckily my foudation is Jesus Christ so I will not be crushed or destroyed by this. I know He has a purpose for allowing me to marry a GBTL and I will wait for Him to give me that insight. I prayed alot about this and asked for revelation. In His time he provided that. First He gave me a job and then He gave me the truth. I actually feel so save now in knowing the Lord of all creations got my back.

 

October 19, 2016 11:42 pm  #7


Re: The Penny just dropped

MrsLonely wrote:

Billie I'm so sorry you had to bear with such horrible things. As if the lies and cheating isnt horrible enough. The worry over catching something filthy.

I felt so filthy when spying on him. I never thought that the proof I needed will be hiding in plain sight on FB. I was blindsided by deleted chat and internet histories. Rob I ask myself will I ever trust someone again. This man I trusted above all else and he proved to be the biggest liar of them all.

luckily my foudation is Jesus Christ so I will not be crushed or destroyed by this. I know He has a purpose for allowing me to marry a GBTL and I will wait for Him to give me that insight. I prayed alot about this and asked for revelation. In His time he provided that. First He gave me a job and then He gave me the truth. I actually feel so save now in knowing the Lord of all creations got my back.

I love hearing you say that!  Bless you!  Trust in Him and you will be just fine. 

I have three songs that I play over and over.  "Thy will" by Hillary Scott talks about having to trust that He has a plans for good and for joy in our lives.  Next song is "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe.  She sings "I am not alone.  You will go before me.  You will never leave me."  He will be there for us through every step and carry us when it's too much for us to bare.  The third song is "tell your heart to beat again" by Danny gokey.  He sings about puting the past behind us and leaving the hurt and pain in our past.  He is working everything for our good and we can start over and live a new life with the promise of happiness and joy in our future.

Please find His embrace!  Don't forget for a moment that you are his blessed daughter.  God Bless you my friend.  You are in my prayers.


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 20, 2016 4:46 am  #8


Re: The Penny just dropped

Mrs Lonely,

There isn't anything more powerful than the undeniable confirmation of discovering you've been completely duped by the person closest to you. That your life as you knew it wasn't what you thought at all. It's shattering. The lies and the enormous amount of secrets all over the place. The power of discovery is short lived and it morphs into enormous sadness followed up by some real long lasting anger. This group is a lifesaver but at the same time, it's very sad there are so many people suffering like we all are in this very same situation. It's so wrong to do this to anyone. I think to know what betrayal is, you have to understand loyalty and these selfish people don't. I wish you great strength in the days ahead. Stay close to us. There are many of us and all at different stages in this process. There is hope here. Thank God for that!

 

October 20, 2016 8:51 am  #9


Re: The Penny just dropped

Hi 

Thank you for the support, it really makes me stronger dealing with this.

I am hurt, sad, scared and angry.  I am also concerned about him.  Getting ready to leave is the easiest part about all of this.  Going home, facing him, talking to him normally as if nothing is wrong is the worst and scariest part of my day.  Knowing my kids' life will be completely disrupted makes me so so sad.  And angry at him.  If he had the guts to be himself no one would have been hurt.  

     Thread Starter
 

October 20, 2016 10:43 am  #10


Re: The Penny just dropped

Yes, lostdad... I listen to Kari now.  But then I find any authentic, genuine person of faith refreshing now..

M. Lonely,

Yeah... the breaking of trust is hard.   I also will have a hard time trusting anyone.   Yes, I have more faith in God than mortal beings now.    To think that someones words, promises, vows mean nothing.    And then as I divorced..rage, anger ,abuse..it was hell on earth,  satan incarnate.. I have never experienced such evil...really there was no other word for it.     I would park on side of the road and dread going home to more abuse.    My ex was not normal though.
But it was a valley,  a season..  God may want us to go  through the fire,  the valley...but I knew he did not want to me to build my home there. 

Just remember it is a valley,  a season.  It takes time but it is not forever.   I can think of so many times God helped and protected me through the (gay) valley.  I was never really alone.   I will never be the same.


 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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