JJ
  I'm worried about you.  In two posts today you have gestured toward death or suicide. The situation with our spouses isolates us and makes us feel alone, and the pandemic heightens feelings of loneliness.    Please reach out to a friend or family member for company so you will not feel so alone and desperate.   

Thank you longwayhome the comment about the “hot women” was very much an attempt to be hurtful and perhaps try to make me feel thankful for the relationship in spite of the turmoil brought about by TTT. Had it come earlier it would have been crushing but when it happened I was able to see how it said a great deal about him and not me.

Since TTT my spouse has shown themselves to be very much into external looks (that comment about exes, comments about hair length, frequent use of the scale etc) which they had not exhibited before. It was more of a well there is a question as to if he is attracted to women in a romantic sense (in which case I’d not be a suitable match) and also I do not meet his personal beauty standard so why on Earth pursue the relationship at the start let alone insist the relationship still exists. A great deal of the accusations and terrible things said during that period were probably a lot of projection.

JJ I do hope you are taking care and being gentle with yourself.

Rekamc - At one point I handed my spouse his phone and a preview of an explicit photo text from a man was on his Lock Screen. I asked if he were gay and he said no and something about just exploring his female persona online. I honestly don’t recall the excuse given but at the time and now even after the TTT proclamation he doesn’t consider whatever it was he was up to cheating at all. Did get an admission of bi after TTT announcement finally. I know each situation is different but in some cases it seems they want everything with the straight spouse to be the same but at the same time have this whole other life and self and expect there to be zero impact on the old life.

Last edited by Zenobia (November 11, 2020 4:45 pm)

Why do they refuse to come out? They benefit more from lying.

Coming out takes effort. One has to risk emotional comfort, financial support, social status, relationship with spouse, stability with children, and an idealized future. Lying about one's sexuality allows a person to maintain all of those things, while getting their secret sexual or emotional desires met. They believe they will never get caught.

Chump Lady's summary that cheating is a character issue is right on. These people have decided to use us for our utility, because they feel they are special and deserve more.

The thought that I can't wrap my head around is how spouses can deny reality when there is tangible proof. There are so many on here, including my own. I've come to the conclusion that they know the truth paints a picture that is impossible to recover from, and the benefit we provide to them is so great, that they will commit to their lie however they have to.

Admission of any other reality than their own is not allowed. It is a form of control and manipulation to believe anything other than their sacred word.