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February 13, 2020 10:28 am  #11


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

JoeC wrote:

Other than that, I am now aware of many red flags that I wasn't previously aware of.  You know I didn't know what I didn't know. So I lived the life and the relationship I knew.  

Can you tell me what some were?

Also, Mocha, I can only verify for you that there is one 100% straight man in this world. I am realizing now that any other man or woman I meet could be hiding or justifying to themselves their same sex desires. My expectation is that probably 75-80% of men are straight "enough" for it not to cross into bisexuality and probably half of them (~35% male population) are like me - absolutely straight. What I have found as strange - denial and relabeling what appears to me as obviously same-sex attraction behavior. "Oh, its not gay because [insert absurd justification here]."

Questions I would ask a guy -
-Have you ever had any sexual act with a man?
-Have you ever masturbated to pictures, thoughts, videos, or other fantasies of men or a man?
-Do you lose your erection when you are watching a porn and the man comes into frame or you hear his voice?
-Do you ever, even for Halloween, dress as a woman or female characters?
-What actor do you like to see on screen? (talent-less pretty boy or an old grizzled professional actor)
-Do you fantasize about going down on women?
-Who is the hottest actor in Hollywood? (I would have to really search my brain for actors I have heard others comment on, since the attractiveness of men goes over my head without getting my attention)
-Does he initiate sexual touching, caressing, etc., and seem genuinely let down or releived if you politely tell him you are too tired for sex?
-Eyes always or frequently closed during sex. If he finds you attractive, he won't want his eyes closed - he will want to just take in your shape, hair, eyes, legs, etc. Don't take it for granted, though. I close my eyes too, sometimes, when the feeling is paramount or I want to keep myself focused.
-Has he ever been on a gay/bisexual dating app or bulletin board - ever - for any "reason".

Just some thoughts.

Last edited by UserNada (February 13, 2020 10:30 am)

 

February 13, 2020 10:53 am  #12


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Don’t know if this slang is still being used. I have a good sense of ‘gaydar’ upon meeting a man. It’s a mix of gay and radar if it’s not used any longer.  It means gut instinct, too. My first thought upon meeting my late GIDXH was - why is this gay guy interested in me? 

I should have rebuffed GIDXH. If my gaydar is tripped in the future, even with a potential platonic friend who says he is straight, I will stop seeing him.

It’s harder to pick up gaydar about a woman unless they look butch or dyke- like. There are many women who look & dress this way in my city.

I saw a photo of the first legally gay married couple in Northern Ireland yesterday. It was a lesbian couple who looked very feminine. Don’t know if they have this appearance to stop harassment or if they enjoy this. I never would have guessed they were gay.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

February 13, 2020 1:37 pm  #13


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

I cant even tell you how much I relate to your post. Its been a huge struggle of mine lately. I have been away from my ex for almost 2 years and even after having met a great guy.. I had this wave of terror that came over me randomly that stopped me dead in my tracks and made me push away the great guy. The problem I have is I am pretty content right now to try to find myself again and get my confidence back, but being 30.. my family has alot of opinions about me dating again. Basically I tell them, I am simply not ready to trust yet. I home someday I do again. Maybe with the great guy... maybe with a different guy. But I know one thing for sure... the way I feel right now and my world view (same as yours) is not healthy for me to start a relationship. The way I feel I will question everything they say and do and obsess as a way to protect myself from going through this again. 

 

February 14, 2020 12:10 am  #14


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

In my experience especially looking back I have to say if they are extremely homophobic!  I had never been around someone in my entire life as homophobic as my Gay Ex.  Now I know this red flag!  I also came across this youtube channel his name is MJ Harris and he is a gay man who loves to answer questions and give advice I happened to see a video he posted last week titled "is my husband/boyfriend gay"
His number 1 sign in that video is indeed extreme homophobia. He has some insightful videos I have looked through.

 

February 14, 2020 6:57 am  #15


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

This is probably a stupid question but one I can't stop thinking about. 

Is there such a thing as gay music?   I read somewhere once that there was a connection - many gay men like Cher, Madonna, and some other singers.  

 

February 14, 2020 8:25 am  #16


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

IgnoranceWasBliss wrote:

In my experience especially looking back I have to say if they are extremely homophobic! I had never been around someone in my entire life as homophobic as my Gay Ex. Now I know this red flag!

Oh em geeee YES!!!! I can't agree with you more!! I was never really against gay people before I married my GEH too. Soon after we're married, I was surprised how much he HATED gay people like it's wrong in God's eyes or it's the society doing that, or they're just being gay for fashion blah blah blah it was crazy!
So yes, I think that is something I guess I can look out for in future "if" I ever meet somebody.

Thank you for reminding everybody that, that was a good example of red flags as well!

     Thread Starter
 

February 14, 2020 9:20 am  #17


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

JoeC wrote:

It is so frustrating when I hear it....
"I always thought she was gay"  "There was always something about her"
"She did seem a little on the sporty tomboy side of things"
"O I knew this for a long time" and the worst..... "How didn't you know"

Then I go down the anger hole of "why didn't anyone tell me!" 
Also, having any future women I am interested in meet a few of my closest friends so my friends can get a gut check about her as well.

I'm sorry I can only imagine how frustrating it must be. I had some natural behavior of my ex's that was a bit too feminine for a guy but those are something I finally see clearly when I "look back" those moments that didn't fully click in my gut. So did my friends, they're now realizing some weird movement just like your friends. 
I guess it's really hard to see those signs as actual warning signs when we're loving someone. I was definitely blinded, maybe I tried not to look at it at some point. No one got married imagining if we ever have to doubt the love we were getting from the one we loved, doesn't have the same exact meaning like ours.

Love is blind........how well said is that lol.

But now you know you got many good/trusted detectives who can work with you. Like you said, just bring the new face and have them observe investigate which I think that's pretty positive breeze ;)

     Thread Starter
 

February 14, 2020 9:24 pm  #18


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Leslie77 wrote:

This is probably a stupid question but one I can't stop thinking about. 

Is there such a thing as gay music?   I read somewhere once that there was a connection - many gay men like Cher, Madonna, and some other singers.  

Yes, there are gay icons (Cher, Madonna, Judy Garland) and those who are gay. It’s a great question. People identify with music viscerally. You don’t know why you like some genres or acts over others but you do. Maybe I’m reading too much into this - if you’re gay you identify with those who accept you.

If a guy is in the closet, he will never admit to liking these people. My GIDXH ridiculed these gay musical icons.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

February 15, 2020 8:37 am  #19


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

MJM017 wrote:

Leslie77 wrote:

This is probably a stupid question but one I can't stop thinking about. 

Is there such a thing as gay music?   I read somewhere once that there was a connection - many gay men like Cher, Madonna, and some other singers.  

Yes, there are gay icons (Cher, Madonna, Judy Garland) and those who are gay. It’s a great question. People identify with music viscerally. You don’t know why you like some genres or acts over others but you do. Maybe I’m reading too much into this - if you’re gay you identify with those who accept you.

If a guy is in the closet, he will never admit to liking these people. My GIDXH ridiculed these gay musical icons.

Uh huh thought also Prince. And I believe there're even TV shows that are iconic for gay people. I think I heard that they tend to watch Grey's Anatomy or something. lol

     Thread Starter
 

February 15, 2020 9:55 am  #20


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

If we could detect gays from straights none of us would be in the positions in which we found ourselves. 

Also, gay and non-gay people alike like the music of Prince and watch shows like "Grey's Anatomy."   I understand that we have been traumatized, and that the fear of ending up in another relationship with a closeted person is real for us, but this kind of profiling makes me uncomfortable.

 

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