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February 18, 2020 3:50 pm  #31

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

The triggers were when my wife made some remarks that held something that reminded me of issues in the difficult times. With very different intentions then I understood them.
It was odd to me that I could scare by that and react very emotionally (fear, defense). This happened a few times. I found that there was still a cautious in the background of my mind, that when I looked at it, stemmed from fear. A warning system in the mind, that tries to prevent danger. Useful when it's about something real to warn for, but that's no more the case. So I could put it to rest, no need to be fearful. I said to myself: "thank you warning system, for when it was necessary, but now you can be switched off".

PS. I'm going on a trip abroad soon, so I won't be reading/posting for some time.


February 18, 2020 9:45 pm  #32

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Enjoy your trip. It was nice to talk to you. Can you give me a shout back when you return, please?


April 13, 2020 5:56 pm  #33

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)


Thank you so much for your words. I appreciate everything you’ve written. You are the voice of reason.


March 29, 2021 7:38 pm  #34

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Thanks for sharing. Your positions are different to mine, but not totally different either. 


May 20, 2021 2:12 pm  #35

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Dutchman, thank you so much for your story.  My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years and she discovered she may be lesbian last week (we had talked about her being attracted to women before getting married).  We share many similarities in terms of faith, which is refreshing because it's been hard to find Christians who support LGBTQ rights.  It has all been very confusing because we love each other very much, and the thought of getting divorced honestly seems inconceivable right now.  However, I feel the need to put divorce on the table. 

One of my biggest fears right now is getting 15 years down the road, having a kid (I'm a child of divorce and never want that for my kids), and her getting to the point where she just can't take it anymore and leaves.  So I wanted to give her the option to leave now since neither of us chose a MOM.  At the same time, I feel like I can't live in limbo forever, and I don't know if I should start building walls to protect myself from the damage divorce would bring, or if I should dig in even deeper into our marriage and relationship.  She says all the time that she loves me and wants to stay, and I believe her.  But I also know how strong her feelings are, and she feels like she's living a double life.  Do you or your wife have any suggestions for ways for her to express her sexuality and not feel like she's pretending to be someone she's not, while staying faithful to our marriage (an open marriage isn't really an option for us because it seems like that will only lead to a sterile roommate kind of situation).  We are both very young (25 and 21), and feel very unprepared for this, so your experience is welcome.


May 20, 2021 2:57 pm  #36

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Hi Memphian,

It doesn’t seem Dutchman has visited SSN in awhile, but I’ll see if I can somehow get a message to him. 



May 21, 2021 5:55 am  #37

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Thanks Tangled, lately we're quite busy creating information/resources for people in a MOM in Dutch. I try to follow what's on SSN but alas somewhat less frequent than before.

     Thread Starter

May 21, 2021 5:57 am  #38

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)


I understand you put divorce on the table, because marriage should not be a jail, and the decision to go forward together should be a voluntary choice. What happens 15 years down the road nobody can predict.
But a relation (and much in life) is about choices and not something overpowering that just happens. We always have a choice. Everyone has the gift of free will, use that freedom and walk in it.

My wife described how this is for her in her most recent post, and I hope this answers your question:

Samantha wrote:

So, accept each other completely, holds that it’s important to know what you both choose. Going for a MOM means: your spouse and your marriage.
SO you do NOT go on alone, or each of you goes his or her separate way, but you both engage a MOM!
This implies that the choice to accept your sexual preference does not take precedence. Mind you… I do not say ignore or cover up. BUT that the center of gravity lies elsewhere.
Giving shape to what the choice “going on and continue together” entails:
What your spouse means to you.
What is the value you seek to find in knowing and participate in the inner significance and being of your spouse, and I can not emphasize this enough, this applies to both partners!
I.e. : If my sexual orientation does not primarily(=only) represent my entire identity, then... it should not be the core of my marriage.
If my sexual orientation isn't the only element of my identity, then... it isn't the only component that should receive preferential treatment in my marriage.
If my sexuality is important, then... it is equally the case for my partner’s sexuality.
That means, while keeping  the above in mind (and yes… it also takes time and inventiveness and a lot of honest and open talking together), everything is striving to find, not to only give shape to this, but also to get to know your partner as deeply as possible. No secrets. No open ends...from a full conviction that your spouse is equally loved and valued as yourself wants and needs to be.
This defining mindset is placed in your own hand.
The choice and freedom to want to fully accept, love and touch someone comes not just from a feeling but from your will because it expresses what you want in heart and mind.
The choice and freedom to invest in your marriage and to want to go for it is not defined by your impossibilities or feelings of missing out, but by your willingness and consideration to follow through on your promise to move forward together.
That choice and that freedom is not limiting, but rather gives room not to close yourself off from your spouse. It does not stuff everything down from a deep down feeling “I must” (denotation: I do not want), or “I need” (denotation: what I have does not gratify) or “I am” (denotation: In essence I so not want to do this).
It implies turning your back to a (traditional, cultural) thinking pattern that states you cannot do otherwise. Where it’s mandatory one has to live out sexual desire in order to be authentic. In essence you can’t master your feelings and don’t have a choice. Feelings rule what you do! Your sexual (preferences) determine what you do, are and how to live.
No, it’s your heart, your mind, it’s from your standards, values and consideration that determine which way you want to go and what you yourself want to belief.
It is nonsense to let freedom of choice be taken away from you.
Feelings are a consequence. They follow your deliberate taken conviction from own choice and the freedom you find therein to give priority to what you decide and to organize your life accordingly.
As a result actual inner peace and joy is found in what you have, and not in what you don't have. Which means consciously and confidently, going with passion for what you have chosen.

For me that means: The whole world can say, "yes, but you are gay ...". Well, let them! And Yes I am….
But the whole world cannot tell me what I should do with that sexual preference.
From my sexual preference I undoubtedly have the option to choose not to want to be intimate with my husband or even feel not to be able to touch him.
But if that is true, I can just as well make a considered decision to love, touch and want to feel my husband and make him my priority. My interior is mine. My choice is mine. My will is mine. I can determine what is important to me.

This is not just a feeling or good intentions, but a stance in life my wife learned. Being in a MOM was much more to us than just getting our marriage to a save ground and/or learning to cope, it changed us and the way we think in many ways.

     Thread Starter

May 27, 2021 8:34 am  #39

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)


I can't thank you enough for sharing. I am on day 3 of my wife telling me she is a lesbian and I discovered MOM on day 1, however it was just a paper that was written. I read it and so did my wife. She was amazed that there are couples that work through this. So was I. The problem for me was not knowing if there was anyone out there that made it work for a long period of time. After reading your post earlier I was able to actually fall asleep (not for long I had to get back to work today) but it was a sense of relief. I by no means think this is going to be easy. I love how you describe your journey as "your journey" and the timeline is "your timeline" I hope to not have to go through the length you took to get to such a happy place, if so then so be it. At least for us there is some resources starting this journey unfortunately for you, you were at it alone and creating the resources. I hope you check in often because I can certainly use your advice as I travel this road.


May 27, 2021 10:02 am  #40

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

It looks like I was unknowingly in a MOM for almost 14 yrs (married for 11) until my husband decided that in order for him to be happy and have a fulfilling life, he needs to explore being gay. Even though he still has not had any physical/romantic relationships with a man, he believes it's not just about sex, but that he is missing an emotional connection that he can only be found by being with a man.
I am sad the he could not be happy with me, with what we had, with our child, and our life together. It is difficult to comprehend that the illusion of what he can find has more value that the love I have for him.
It's been almost 3 weeks since he moved out. My husband has died, and all I have left are the memories of a life that I'm not sure was real. My child still has a father, but I don't really know who that person is anymore. 


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