When I first heard that phrase, I chaffed at it. I was in pain and I felt like that phrase meant my pain was my fault for not handling it better. That's not what it means. It means that I have to process my own feelings, and others have to process through their own feelings. My spouse can't fix my feelings. As much as she actually wants to. If I ask her to bear my feelings, she's powerless to do anything about it and I give up my power and healing. The same goes for her.  

You're right, my feelings are a consequence of other's actions sometimes. Someone CAN do something that hurts me. In my situation, my wife figured out her identity after 40 years of internalized shame. She told me, even though I could have rejected her. She's spent two years trying and wanting to be bisexual so we don't lose our marriage. All of that has been painful for both of us. All of that has hurt enough that I've wanted to die and privately planned to mulitple times. It hurt, despite her not wanting it to, despite her efforts, apologies, and sacrifices. She can't heal me. If she could, she would. I can and I have to. Otherwise I'm choosing to stay in this spot, and if I do that, I will certainly end my life. Instead I'm going to be responsible for my feelings and heal.

That's what that means. It doesn't help until it does. At this moment it is helping me. It probably won't tomorrow. But one day, one moment of better is worth it to me.

lily wrote:

Maybe you are the one responsible for coping with how you handle your feelings but how you feel is often very much a consequence of another's actions.

You aren't crazy, and despite what others may say, there is no such thing as something you should feel. Your feelings are exactly what they "should" be because it's what they are. Other peoples' anger in their own situation is also valid. There is no right way to go through this.

That is exactly how I felt and responded. Knowing some of the reasons why he's denied his sexuality up to this point may help you eventually- that has helped me avoid the anger and self-pity I was starting to experience. Things like what kept him closeted, etc. The pain, fear, confusion, self-hatred and shame so many LGBT people experience is unimaginable. It helped for me to know that my spouse didn't even know she could actually BE gay. She was taught that everyone was born straight, but some people are tempted with gay attraction and it just has to be ignored or pushed away. That's what she did, until it was automatic. But it meant she wasn't herself and it ate away at her without her even knowing.

Don't overthink things and take one day at a time. I think you should try to find a therapist for yourself immediately. You're going to need support and it's better to find it when you're not chin-deep in difficult feelings. 

 

I'm really sorry you went through that. I appreciate you respecting my request and I'll keep your advice in mind. I have found some public examples of MOMs that break up but stay friends, take vacations together, stay somewhat active in each others' lives, hang out weekly, etc. Having those visible/audible examples is really helpful. Having our kids both complicates things and forces us to prioritize kindness and working it out because they're our #1 concern at this point. 

 

lily wrote:

okay, so I'll say the thing I want to - it's not negativity it's hopefully helpful for navigating the time ahead of you -

traditionally, since divorce became an option, people have advised that first you end the marriage and then see about the friendship.

This is good advice on so many levels, but in terms of avoiding getting creamed in a divorce settlement, it is key.

It's pretty simple the way it worked for me - my ex suggested I give him a lump sum and in return I could have all the furnishings - everything except the house, we kept our own cars.  I thought okay it's more than it's actually worth but it is worth it because we won't have to argue about who gets what.  Then over the ensuing months it started with, well you can't take the tools, they're mine.  oh yes?  you can't leave me without a set of kitchen utensils.  and oh goodness you can't leave me without a bed or a chair or a tv or a fridge or a washing machine.  On the day I left he had taken my best linen and put it on his bed - I should have taken the linen, bed included but I didn't - still wanting to be his friend.  still unable to see beyond my own generally friendly persona.

 

Dear ImSoConfused,

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Your story sounds somewhat familiar, especially the pain and fear. I told her again last night- I don't WANT a divorce. I don't want to be without her. I want to wake up every day to her, all of that. But as you said, it isn't truth. It hurts us straight spouses to know we're not wanted or loved the way we've desired and loved them, and that our lives haven't been what we believed them to be, and it hurts our LGBT spouses because they're pretending to be something they aren't and they see the hurt they're causing. I know many believe that LGBT spouses are uncaring about that, but I don't believe that's the dominant scenario.  

There is no right way to do this. That by itself can be scary, but just know that however you work through it is completely fine. I don't know why people think it's helpful to try to predict your process. That isn't helpful at all, even if you do eventually get angry about it. Anger is a feeling, just like sadness and grief. I've found that anger is a protective/defensive emotion, while sadness and grief bring healing. It feels like you might die from grief sometimes but you just have to get through one day at a time and eventually it lessens. I have good days now. The last week I've been spontaneously crying a dozen times a day, sometimes right in front of people. It's the way it is. 

It will help to stop telling yourself that your life is ruined, your kids' lives are destroyed, and you're driving him further into the closet. I promise none of that is true. You'll get through this. We can't see the happiness we'll enjoy after we've gone through this, but it'll be there. If you both can limit animosity between you, that has the biggest impact on your kids. Taking an extended break from each other might help you do that. Regarding your husband and his closet- he's not hiding because of you. He's hiding because of deep shame and fear. You aren't responsible for that. You didn't