Kel says "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Too true. The old adage of actions speaking louder than words is terribly accurate. Not only do actions speak louder, they speak the truth while most of the words tend to be lies.

HW,

I'm terribly sorry you find yourself here.

Daryl is spot on with everything he says. No amount of aging, weight gain, or whatever turns a straight man gay. Vice versa applies. No amount of anything turns a gay man straight.

Porn consumption is a factor in creating sexual dysfunction (mental/emotional), does have negative physical sexual impact (pied/ed), and does desensitize the habitual viewer. What it doesn't do is change someone's orientation. Logically, if that was the case, you'd have to consider chronic porn use a form of successful orientation conversion therapy.

Duped is correct about STD testing. You would be wise to accept nothing he says as the truth right now. The line "nothing has ever happened in real life" is so typical it's laughable. It's a cookie cutter response. Please watch out for yourself and your health.

Lastly, the shame is not yours. The shame is his, and he knows it. If the shame were not his, and he 100% aware of it - why all the years of secrecy, hiding, and lies? It belongs to him, HW. Don't take that on, it doesn't reside with you.

Go easy on yourself. This is a hard enough thing to deal with without heaping wrongful blame upon yourself. Try and rest, eat well, and vent in a safe manner. Here, to a trusted friend, to a counselor, whatever feels safe. It helps to speak out and not let this fester within you.

Best to you.

Good for you, Detour. You've got the right mindset. What makes you happy? What do you want out of life? We spend too many years being the glue that binds things together for everyone else, we tend to neglect our own wants, needs, and happiness.

I started down that road. Our two year old son prompted the thoughts of binding, holding it all together, being the glue that made it work (it doesn't work, but we tell ourselves we can make it work). Then I realized I could not provide health and stability for my son in a sick unstable atmosphere. Could not model for him truth, integrity and a life well lived surrounded by lies and manipulation. Could not give him the best of me when that best was being spent on acting and covering misery. Ultimately I decided it was better for him to be from a broken home than forced to live and develop for 18 years within one.

I'm glad you are thinking about what you need for happiness. It's never too late. No matter your age, your placement in life, it's never too late.

Best to you.

Tim,

So sorry you find yourself here. It's a wonderful group of people on this board, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Forgive the blunt speech, it's just how I roll.

1. Should I give her time to figure this out?
No, she's had her whole life to figure this out, now she's trying to use yours.
2. Should I file and get to the most likely conclusion (divorce) ASAP.
Yes. You'll notice a trend here. We all say we wish we would have gotten out sooner (re: immediately). Hindsight is 20/20.
3. Should I go no contact, and see what happens.
If she is making you feel distressed, sick, etc., yes.
4. Is she just really playing me like a biscuit, and I am to shocked to realize that.?
I would say yes. How many years does she get to take from you while she flounders around pretending confusion, man?
5. Would I ever trust her again if she decides to stay?
I couldn't, and I would say it's unlikely any savvy person ever would. If she has known all along she's been using you - how awful. If she's been "confused" (not bloody likely), she lacks insight and self awareness and doesn't have the intelligence God gave to a goose - yikes. Lose/lose situation. Trust would be out the proverbial window for me.
6. Should I see a terrible person in the fact that she doesn't seem to care she is having sex outside of marriage?
Most definitely. Would you be asking yourself this question if she was straight and screwing around? Gay is not a 'pass' for bad behavior.
7. She genuinely seems very confused and almost seems as if she is having a mental breakdown or mid life crisis.
See answer 5.

Hang in there, Tim. Things do get better as shock wears off and strength replaces it.

Big positive step for me - dating. I'm monogamous girl, so dating is a huge (and I do mean huge) way for me to distance myself.

I notice I am less inclined to listen to him. Less inclined to care about what he says or does. Less inclined to feel like he's an anchor around my ankle.

He insists still it has been all porn driven, and since he's stopped the porn, a fog has lifted off his brain. Okay, great, I'm happy for him. Doesn't change anything for me though. He can do anything he wants with his "liberated brain", I'm busy doing me now.