This situation is (no doubt) a million times harder when there are children involved...and there is infidelity on top of the deception. I will never understand how someone can treat the mother/father of their children this way...and blow up the entire family because of their own cowardice and selfishness.

I am glad you're getting support for yourself. I don't know how anyone goes through this alone.

Epiphany wrote:

Julian, how does your husband cope with his unmet needs? Is he resentful? Honesty is everything, communication key. I’m not sure I can get past the infidelity either. I’m hoping g counseling will help me see things clearer.

Since he's bisexual (and not gay), he is still primarily attracted to women....so, I'm not quite certain what those needs would be...or why he would be resentful. I am the one having the more difficult time with this being kept from me for years. We've always had a very active sex life — so I was truly blindsided. He doesn't have any experience with men. I told him if that was something he wanted to pursue, we could amicably split...but I would never agree to an open relationship...and he said he didn't want that either. The trust was fractured, but I do feel like our relationship has improved in other ways. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

ThisTooShallPass wrote:

I am not separated yet, but I will be telling my children why.  One is the same age as yours, one is older, and two are younger.  They're all old enough to ask why, and anything other than the truth is a lie.  Like OutofHisCloset said, it will be age appropriate of course.  But I've had enough lying in my family, I do not intend to contribute more.  As for the how...I haven't figured that out yet.

I'm not separated, but like most people who find themselves here, I've thought a lot about this scenario...and I'm with you on this. I would not feel right perpetuating the lies. But, the one thing I worried a lot about is our child being trapped in the closet, too — knowing my husband will never tell his very conservative family he's not straight. 

Maya wrote:

I see myself in similar situation. I found out my husband is bisexual about 15 years ago, we almost divorced then but both of us reconciled since he had not have actual sexual encounter with another man, mostly cyberporn, sex toys.  We had 3 kids after that reconciliation. But mid 2020 , I found a  STD lab tests , which are all neg (-)  when I was checking our annual blood works. I asked him about it , said it was just for pre procedure .  Just recently , while I was going through our mail and bills, I saw a charge for a hotel in December using his own debit card , I was working on that day it got charged.  Furthermore, I notice him holding his phone wherever he goes  even just at home, or place it in his pocket. I tease him about it,  he  says just watching you tube.  Then one night when he was asleep, I saw his phone was lit up, so I was about to turn it off and saw sexual photos  and text  messages with another man. Now,   I am sure he had repeatedly have sexual encounters , not sure if they same man. He doesn’t know yet that  I know about this encounters. I cannot sleep , cannot concentrate at work. Please Help!

Hi Maya...I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. I can imagine you are in a great deal of shock right now—and I think all of us can relate to not being able to sleep or concentrate at work. Not many people come to this section of the forum — so you may try re-posting this in the "Support" section. My suggestion (though I realize how difficult this is) is to try to remain calm...and gather as much evidence as you can before confronting your husband (because he will likely deny / blame-shift / and excuse away his behavior.) Going by the countless stories I've read here, many will only confess when faced with insurmountable evidence. Take care of yourself. I know how much this sucks.

Sorry I wasn't clear...(typing faster than I can think...as usual!). By "disadvantage" I meant vs. being with a straight partner who isn't conflicted about his/her sexuality. 

I'm not trying to argue with you (we're both here for the same reason, after all!)...I love my husband very much, but I won't excuse away the deception. You can empathize with the struggles LGBT people—our spouses—face...but still recognize it's morally wrong to keep such a big secret from the person you marry...and have children with. I minimize it in the sense that I have to...because I made the decision to stay and keep our family together...but I carry the weight of that secret now.