deceived- i don't have all the answers and i'm sure others with more relatable stories will help more.. 

"And I keep telling him it feels like manipulation, like he is just trying to save our marriage to have his cake and eat it too.".- in my opinion the non straight spouse will try to manipulate, regafless on intentional or not., its how they have lived their life. lies, deception, manipulation. of course they want to be "who they really" but not lose anything,
"So damned if I do, and damned if I don't. "-so then don't. our spouse have destroyed most of us to the point of maybe never fully recovering. this isn't just an affair with opposite sex. this is a life on false pretense. all about them. gain the strength, and do for YOU. 
 

It is manipulation.  Anything that he is saying/doing to make you think you are "wrong" or "crazy" or make you doubt yourself or to get you to change your mind...is manipulation.  I think Ink is right, in that some of the non-straight spouses don't even realize they are doing it.  It's a self-preservation habit for many of them.

My husband grew up in a conservative Christian family, and a conservative community in general.  He says he knows he was born this way and he says he does not believe it is a sin, but I can tell he still struggles to reconcile everything he was taught with how he feels.

I was raised in a home that....wasn't particularly religious, though I did have religious influence growing up from outside sources.  

I struggled with the idea of divorce at first, because...divorce!  I thought I had a "good" marriage, and I was blindsided by my husband's admission that he was attracted to men, so divorce was never on my radar.  Of course, the fear of being a single mother/starting over alone was intimidating, and yes, I struggled because of religious influence.  I don't think either my husband or I truly associated divorce with eternal damnation, but certainly the underlying message in his family was you only divorce for sexual affairs or abandonment.  (And even then, a lot of people stayed together despite affairs.) 

I know his family is going to argue for us to stay married, because "it's a sin" and I'm his "hedge of protection" and his job is to provide for his wife and kids, and on and on. I have thought about this a lot because I want to sort it out for my own peace of mind, and I know I will have to formulate an argument if we get divorced and their calls start, paritcularly if I pull the trigger. If he initiates divorce, they'll support me and say he's abandoning me.  But if I initiate, I think they'll try to pressure me into staying.  I am not a biblical scholar by any stretch of the imagination, but here's where I have concluded.  "Sexual immorality" is more than just sexual intercourse.  Sexual betrayal is immoral.  If his behaviors are considered betrayal, than he has committed sexual immorality, which is often the only espoused "grounds for divorce" and I can stop there.  But....there is plenty more about what a marriage is, how a husband should treat a wife, what a married sex life should entail, and how a believer should separate themselves from certain people--including those who are sexually immoral, abusive, selfish, etc.  If God does not tolerate these behaviors, why should a spouse? 

Do not let him guilt you.  Do not let other people's beliefs box you into a marriage that is unsustainable.  Only you know what goes on inside your marriage.  Stand up for yourself and your needs. 

Take care of yourself. Someone has to do it.  

Last edited by ThisTooShallPass (January 14, 2021 3:45 pm)

Deceived,

My GX clearly did not want the marriage anymore with her blatant cheating..she also filed the divorce..but if she had not I would have..

So I'm not versed in a gay spouse trying to save the marriage..it was more like a bad movie in how she was destroying it.

During that time I was talking to my priest and while they don't like divorce he could clearly see my marriage was not what God intended for myself or my kids.  The blatant abuse.
The hurt and trauma I was under.

So I have to say I dont think God intended for us to live an abusive or hurtful marriage.    I will say most priest and pastors will say save your marriage at all cost, forgive etc..but..they have no concept of the trauma when your spouse has same sex attraction..no idea that they can now not be trusted if they meet a friend for a drink be it male or female now.

Like others mentioned..the important thing is do you feel safe and secure in the marriage? Free of hurt and fear he will betray you again?

Do not worry what others think..they will never understand the horrible truth..just know that you can decide to  stay or go. These spouses broke their vows and promises long ago..your  leaving, if you do, is pomp and circumstance.   If you stay he has a lot of proofs on his shoulders ..proofs of faithfulness and fidelity and trust and care that he may not be able to give or maintain. Because if none of this is your fault..it is all him.

lily wrote:

........to high-tail it to Tasmania on the Southern edge of this continent, next stop Antarctica and buy a little house.. 

Hahahahahaha you mean an igloo...

Elle
 

Deceivedandsad I’ve seen that type of manipulation called “future faking” so that may be another term to look up and see if you feel it applies to what is happening to you.