Kel,
Wow!. You have such an amazing way with words.  Thank you.   Everything you said makes total sense.  That has been my exact struggle.  I do believe God can do anything, so why did my heart refuse to believe he could change my husband.    I think it's because I refuse to believe he wants to change. 

My councillor has actually been very good for me.   She sees major issue with the same sex porn that he has looked at and has assured me that it is not a standard road of a porn addict.  She has told me that I have no responsibility to help him fight this, which was really important for me to hear.  But most importantly she keeps telling me to do what is best for me.  There is no right or wrong.    She also told me, like Kel mentioned above, if he's not even willing to admit it he surely can't repent and change.    I feel myself getting stronger everyday.  Angry even which isn't an emotion I'm used to.  Sometimes I wish I could get angry more often, but I tend to be the person who always makes the excuse for others behaviours.    Step by step I will get there.  I'm starting to see it now.

It has been a crazy week for me to say the least.  Met with my councilor on Monday and loved her!   I was worried because she is a Christian based councilor that my pastor's wife recommended.   I talked with her about everything I've seen and my past with my husband.   Although she does believe if my husband confesses and asked God to change him that he can do that, which I disagree with, she did validate my fears and feelings.   The advice I had received before her was that my husband had a porn addiction and it was irrelevant that he watched men.  That was just the spiral of the sin...  She assured me that porn addiction doesn't work that way.  Straight men do not end up watching other men unless they have an interest in watching men.  In her opinion, the fact that he is still making excuses and saying he didn't watch the men only the women and couples is a huge problem.   I felt encouraged when I left her office and determined to see this through.   I have stopped sleeping in our bed already,  He has been counseling with our pastor for a porn addiction and I am getting a lot of pressure from the two ladies I reached out to in our church for support.  They keep telling me to keep an open heart and to remember that God is working on my husband.  He is making the effort.   um..... still says it was a virus that followed the gay accounts on his periscope....  (Never heard of a gay computer virus)....   

​Then to top off the week on Wednesday my company decided they no longer needed my position and I was let go after 18years!!!!    Seriously????    Feeling very lost right now on how I make this work, but still determined to continue moving forward.   Glad to be going back to my councilor on Monday.  

Yes I know.  This was the first time that I really addressed it.   Actually asked the question and then told him I didn't believe him when he told me no.   I took screenshots of everything I've seen just to remind myself that I really did see it.   I won't allow him to make me question reality.  Not anymore.

Still waiting on a call back from the councillor but I talked to my husband about the porn yesterday.   He admitted to the porn itself but totally denied the male part of it.   Said that when you follow someone on periscope it will automatically follow 20 or more people.   Lie!!!.   I told him that I know that he has watched men just men.  Videos that say gay men.... Transvestites....   He said i might have clicked on one but clicked right back of I'd there wasn't a woman.    Lie!!.  Ok what about when you were commenting on them??. 

No admission, don't know why I had hoped he would just own up to it?.   I told him I didn't believe him and that I was starting counciling next week and I suggested he do the same.   Time to gather my strength.

I seem to be stuck in the cruel world of knowing that he is sexually attracted to men, yet doubting my every thought.  He's kind, never speaks a mean word to me.  He's a loving father to my oldest son and our two girls.  Yet I know the marriage isn't right.   We are room mates at best.   On the surface he does what he is suppose to do.  Where everyone can see it, but then turns around and watches men masturbate online.   I feel like he is messing with my head.   I've always thought of myself as a confident woman until it came to this situation.  I can't even bring my self to bring up the topic of conversation.   Too be completely honest I feel lost.  Just lost.  

I've reached out to two of my sister-in-laws and now to my Pastor, just trying to do something to feel like I'm moving.   I know that at least two of these people will hold me accountable to do something.