Bec,

So sorry..   And it doesn't sound like you can count on your husband for empathy and support? 

I would say this is a harsh opportunity to focus on yourself..   You've already seen with the therapy.
Time to get back out there for a job....it sucks but it doesn't change what your husband is.

When my ex was cheating I thought about what it would take to save the marriage... One;  she would have to give up all contact with her girlfriend,  Knowing her..she was incapable of doing that.     She chose.

Time for you to choose.  We make our choices and we move forward.   Step 1 you took...taking care of yourself..mentally and physically.   Courage.  Fortitude.  Faith. 

Sincere hugs.

Bec,

I'm so sorry.  I know how scary all this can be.  Four years ago I had already moved out of our home and then the company I worked for went through a major fiasco.  For a month no one even got a pay check.  I hung in there and was able to keep my job but I did take a pay cut.  Eventually we recovered....you will recover too.  How are the prospects for jobs in your area?   When I was job hunting I remember that indeed.com was a great resource since it pulled from all the jobsites like Monster as well as corporate sites and posted all jobs in one place. 

I'm glad that you found a therapist that you like.  I'm also very glad that she's able to see that what he chooses to watch in his porn says a lot more than just watching porn.  It's extremely important that a therapist recognizes that as well as you.  And I'm glad you realize that you can not pray the gay away.  I'm not sure how close you are to the two ladies you confided in at your church, but stay away from anyone who is pressuring you to think that God is working on your husband.  All that attitude does is create an environment that allows him to gather his thoughts and come back with better excuses and buy more time.  But it sounds like you're already on the right track with all that.

stay where you are for now if your living conditions are ok.  Get back on your feet, find a job, then start working on your exit plan again.  Hang in there. 

Hi Bec,

My background is from a Bible church, so I fully understand the pressure of the whole, "God can do anything" thought process.  The biggest part of the paradox (for me) was that I believed it!  I still do.  But the fact is that for a person to change, they have to WANT to - with all their heart.  And I don't think their temptations will ever change - we are born with them, we feed them (which grows them) or deny them (to shrink them or cause them not to grow into a larger beast), but they will always be there in the back of our minds - no matter what.  I suppose there are potentially millions of people with same sex inclinations that haven't fed that temptation - have done what they think is right, and maybe they've led a normal, productive marriage relationship.  The issue is that most of us here enter into this forum find out that WE have a problem long after the point of no return (for our gay in denial spouse).  Most women here find out about their spouse's attractions because of their spouse's actions.  And more likely than not, we only saw the tip of the iceberg with regards to their actions.  Or probably more accurately, we're seeing what we think is the first pieces of evidence, when it's been a looooong road of actions that led them to be sloppy enough to let what we found even present itself.  They will of course let us believe (even insist!) that what we've found is the VERY FIRST TIME they've done ANYTHING, and they don't have a problem so much as they fed a curiosity, and they can stop at any time.  And they will.  They have.  It means nothing - it's no.big.deal.  They will act as though you finding this thing is a violation of their privacy, and it's the same thing as you sneaking a cigarette or eating a piece of pie when you're on a diet.  But NONE of that is the truth.

The truth is that in order for you to find something, there's likely LOTS of it - for a good length of time - for them to get sloppy and assume that they're safe in their secret.  Think about it - if you snuck a cigarette - and you thought that your spouse finding out would mean divorce, you'd sneak the smoke outside, you'd shower afterward, brush your teeth, shampoo, even change your clothing.  You'd snub the butt out and then rinse it off and then throw it out somewhere no one would find it.  But if you did that a few times, you might start to think that was all overkill.  You'd get to the point where maybe you were taking a swig of mouthwash, and spritzing yourself with some body spray.  Then you'd think that if it's been long enough since the smoke, you might not have to do anything - you are convinced that they can't even smell it!  Pretty soon you're leaving butts around and saying that someone else is smoking.  Or they're leftover butts from before you lived there.  THAT's when you get found out - when you assume that the offense is undetectable.  And then once your spouse smells it on you, you just go back to being more diligent again.  Hide it like you did before.  But you'd start to slip up again eventually.  Forget to pick the butt up off the ground.  Put on body spray but forget the mouthwash because the phone rang.  And then they smell it again.  And you try to convince them that you JUST had ONE cigarette.  NO, you're not addicted (far from it! Hah - how hilarious!).  And jeez - isn't it your right to smoke?  It's not illegal.  What, are YOU perfect, dear spouse?  How nice to have them stand in judgement of you.  Jeez.

And that's the gay thing.  You find out when it's been fed and hidden so long that it's NOT something they wanted to stop.  They STILL don't want to stop.  They make excuses, tell lies, tell us about how it wasn't them, it was misinterpreted information, etc.  That is NOT the behavior of someone owning their behavior, and wanting transparency for the sake of healing.  How successful do you think a drug addict would be at rehab if they never admitted they even DID drugs???  They maintain all throughout rehab that this is all a mistake, and they don't DO drugs.  It was someone else's needle, they never had a problem.  How well do you think their addiction would be addressed if they couldn't even admit they had the problem?  Not very well, I'm afraid.  And that's the boat your husband is in.  Deny, deny, deny.

As for the church, even they would see that if you had a drug addict in your home and the person wouldn't stop and hid their problem and wouldn't get help openly, that the person really wasn't doing what was necessary to move toward healing.  Even they would tell you that "tough love" was in order - that you cannot have this dangerous wrecking ball in your home.  Even they will tell you that God can heal, and to keep hope - BUT..... that it was apparent that the person wasn't interested in that healing yet.  They need to show signs of that before it's evident.  But for some reason, the same sex attraction thing doesn't fit in the same box to them.  And that's ONLY because we can't see what a person is feeling and thinking enough to know how bad the problem really is.  And so we're encouraged to have faith in both God and the person that we've committed ourselves to.  That's our role, and they have theirs.  And you know what?  It's bunk.  Once they're showing symptoms, it's really too late, in my humble opinion.  If they're not repentant and honest, then there is literally NO.CHANCE of making it to any place workable for the marriage.  They have betrayed you repeatedly by the time you see evidence.  And you are free to decide that you don't believe this person has anyone's best interest in mind anymore except for their own.

Whether one believes that same sex attraction is inborn or not, IF it can be healed, it most CERTAINLY must be dealt with as a serious problem - with complete honesty and ownership of the problem.  If that's not happening, then there's no reason to believe that your spouse is on a pathway away from the problem.

Kel
 

Kel,
Wow!. You have such an amazing way with words.  Thank you.   Everything you said makes total sense.  That has been my exact struggle.  I do believe God can do anything, so why did my heart refuse to believe he could change my husband.    I think it's because I refuse to believe he wants to change. 

My councillor has actually been very good for me.   She sees major issue with the same sex porn that he has looked at and has assured me that it is not a standard road of a porn addict.  She has told me that I have no responsibility to help him fight this, which was really important for me to hear.  But most importantly she keeps telling me to do what is best for me.  There is no right or wrong.    She also told me, like Kel mentioned above, if he's not even willing to admit it he surely can't repent and change.    I feel myself getting stronger everyday.  Angry even which isn't an emotion I'm used to.  Sometimes I wish I could get angry more often, but I tend to be the person who always makes the excuse for others behaviours.    Step by step I will get there.  I'm starting to see it now.

Thank you lostdad. No he doesn't admit it. Just keeps making excuses for why it showed he followed men, gay men and transvestites on his periscope.   It did it all on its own.... Look at all the women I follow... maybe it was a virus....   He only admits to having a problem with porn and swears he has stopped that now that he has been caught.   That is what the pastor it's counciling him for.  How to love me but I don't buy it.   I don't want fake love.  I don't want him to do and say what he thinks he is suppose to just to keep me.   When I told the pastor I wasn't willing to receive his love because I was questioning his motivation, he told me I was sitting him up for failure... And the fact that I'm no longer sleeping in our bed is a slippery slope.  Maybe he's right, because I don't see it going another way.

Last edited by Bec (March 30, 2017 8:36 pm)