Julian, for most of our marriage I felt and my husband felt he  primarily preferred women as well. I asked him if it changes and if he were more attracted to men right now and his response was yes. That’s the change causing issues here but he went down a rabbit hole of online pics and relationships that fed that desire...our intimacy and connection had altered. Do you mind me asking your ages and how long you’ve been married? I believe as long as you communicate you’ll be better off than us . We are early 40’s . Married almost 19 years.  I’m not sure all the factors that have contributed to his change but testosterone and relationship issues may be part of it.

Hi all. I started posting a few weeks ago due to the shock of learning just how deep my husband’s Bisexual desires were. I can’t even summarize the amount of information I’ve learned since then but I’ll try, along with our most recent developments. I can say with confidence that my husband is indeed Bisexual rather than gay at this point. I won’t go into detail as to how I know but along with more recent discoveries and communication I can say this....At this point in our marriage my husband wants to try and save it. He says he really loves me and I believe him. I’ve made it clear to him that I am not ok with infidelity and lies and that everything needs to be brought to the open so we can move forward with our reality. We are moving forward with couples counseling, he is unlocking his phone, deleting relationships and possibly social media all together. I am finding a therapy hat can help him in his sexual orientation, me in my trauma and us as we attempt to save our marriage. I think the biggest question will be, whether he can stop searching for a relationship with a male and if not, how do we move forward? I then have to find out just what I am and am not ok with. Personally I need time. I need time to become more independent and wrap my mind around this all so that if I do decide to leave, I am prepared and strong. I also feel WE deserve time to get to the bottom of this. I just wanted to share my status in hopes to gain feedback from anyone else in a similar situation. I also may take long breaks from the forum as to navigate our personal journey without putting others experiences into my own. Thanks for listening!
- Epiphany

Hi Blindsided. I’m in a long term marriage too but to a bisexual man who may be headed towards identifying as gay. We love eachother deeply and I find myself asking some of the same questions as you. My advantage I supppse, is that I married him aware he was bisexual and have slowly been given clues over time that have allowed my heart and mind more time to deal. The similarities are that I am too coming to the realization that my soulmate and I may need to some day divorce. I’ve spent nights awake crying, heart palpitations, hyperventilating, a mess. What you and I are both going through is grief. It’s immense, traumatic pain. My sister-in-law lost her 13 year old son in September. I’ve been with her through it and have learned this.

1.) you need to lean into your grief and just let it be at times. Accept that it’s ok if you can’t function at times. When your heart can’t handle it, tell yourself to put it away for awhile...that you will deal with it another time.

2.) get a counselor and lean on a close friend. Share here often. People are important, we get eachother through the hard times.

3.) protect yourself and prepare if divorce seems to be your new reality. Talk to a lawyer, get copies of all financial information. Maybe do this while he’s gone.

What you are going through is more intense and faster paced than what I’m going through. You are probably in shock as you really were blindsided. You will hurt for awhile but then you might get angry. He cheated. He explored outside your marriage and put himself in a position to fall in love with another person. It’s ok for him to explore (porn, communication etc), it’s not ok for him to cheat. When your anger comes, allow it to strengthen you.

You will come out of this stronger eventually but in the meantime it’s ok to not be strong.

I’m in this with you,
Epiphany

Hi Kat. I’m new to this forum but wanted to respond. What strikes me the most in your post is your willingness to bend yourself and your needs to meet and support his. We all do it here but I can tell you, looking back (I’m still very much in the middle of trying to figure out if my husband and I can make it through years of infidelity due to his unmet sexual desires for men)...that my biggest regret is loosing myself. I gave up the opportunity to pursue my dream of singing, going to college and chose to be the doting housewife and mother my husband wanted. Looking back, I think he may have been secretly worried that if I were too strong, I might decide to leave or if he allowed other men to talk to me (he gets very jealous if another man even talks to me), that I could be swept away by a straight man.

My whole point is don’t let this happen to you. Your husband is taking all this time to discover himself. Make sure you are doing the same for yourself. If you are not ok with these things, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You can tell him you love him and want to work but you think he needs counseling and maybe you do too. Set yourself up for success whatever your future may be. I am currently not sure if my future path will proceed with or without my husband. So I am having to prepare for both. I need to get stronger, figure out our finances, ask myself what I want in life etc....possibly preparing for divorce while also talking with my husband, being open and finding a counselor to help us and me sort through this all. I think the best advice I’ve been given is to take it slow , be true to yourself and accept nothing less and that none of us are alone in this. Another thing I find to be helpful in life in general, is to always be authentic but kind. Kindness and honesty along with good intentions go very far in every relationship, whether it’s that of friendship or marriage.

In this with you,
Epiphany

This is the 3rd time in the past week I’ve been up for hours, crying in the middle of the night. In 2009 I discovered some of my husband’s infidelity. Some of it with a woman, but found emails with a man and learned he had kissed a man at a gay bar. I knew he was bisexual in our younger days but he told me those feelings were gone (at the time we married), and that he thought it was a stage. There’s a lot of details to our story but I’m just going to fast forward to current day. Last week I found a KY jelly receipt, he claims it was a work prank gift for Christmas, could be true. It led me to asking for his phone. He did not give it to me till going in the bathroom for 5 minutes. I still found a message he sent to another man, calling him sexy, trying to start a conversation (he forgot to delete 1, I think because the guy was unresponsive).

Today I talked to him. I shared that I needed honesty, I asked more questions. I asked what he deleted and he finally admitted that it was Facebook messages, sexual pictures they would send back and forth. Later I looked at his friends list and took screenshots of every man he has no other friends in common with. I’m not sure if there is a private Bi-curious group but I probably will ask him how he found them all at one point. I asked him if he has had sex with anyone else during our marriage, he said no. I asked if he had oral sex with anyone else during our marriage, he just stared at me. I said who? And started naming people. He finally said, a guy he met at a bar while traveling when he was 26 (so 14 years ago before our son was born). I asked him if he feels like his attraction is stronger for men sometimes and women other times. He said yes. I asked if he felt more attracted to men right now and he said yes. Those were the biggest discoveries. I was crying, he seemed pretty ok. He then gave me a hug and said “we’ll get through this”.  He knows I want monogamy. He said he wants it to stop, his desires. (I kn