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1 of 1- Katsjaded742
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Feeling incredibly lost and lonely
I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just over 2 years of that. He had mentioned and talked about lightly that he has crossdressed in the past and that it helps him with stress management. I fully supported him. He proceeded to go 2 years without crossdressing or even talking about it. Then all of the sudden tons of packages start showing up of clothes I would never order nor wear. When I talked to him about it he mentioned he wanted to crossdress again, which I said go for it.
He then asked me to help him with makeup. This was incredibly hard for me. I wear very little makeup myself and the things he was asking me to help him with I have no idea how to handle, like facial hair shadow coverage, I don't have to do things for that...
It's been everyday of dressing and full makeup. He's growing his hair out, wearing breast forms, talking different.
He told me a month ago he identifies more as female, but not as a woman yet.
I'm feeling lost, abandoned, and taken advantage of. I'm a nice person who doesn't like to upset others and I feel he's taken advantage of that so I won't fight him on this transition. I'm losing attraction every time I see him dressed and my sex drive has dropped to zero.
Am I supposed to ignore my own feelings to support him?
- inkundermyskin
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Re: Feeling incredibly lost and lonely
kat- there are others here who are, or have been in your shoes more than myself. with that being said, pain is pain, regardless of where it stems from. i think you should listen to your brain. whereas i feel that our heart can allow us to truly be open and vulnerable to the right people, it can also hide us from the reality for which we don't want to see. stay strong. one day at a time. go with your instincts.
it is, what it is.
- Abby
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Re: Feeling incredibly lost and lonely
"Am I supposed to ignore my own feelings to support him?"
The answer is "NO" and if you try to you will only cause yourself more pain. The more you facilitate his self-image the more he will expect or demand. Decide what your boundaries are and stick with them.
You matter.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Backpackerdad
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Re: Feeling incredibly lost and lonely
I agree with the previous posters. Don’t ignore you own feelings. If you try to they are likely to bubble up in ways you don’t like or that are not productive. It’s a little cliche but I like the saying “ walls keep people out. Boundaries are doors that let people know where to come in. “
- ThisTooShallPass
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Re: Feeling incredibly lost and lonely
No, you are not supposed to ignore your own feelings to support him, and I think you know this deep down. Your feelings are important and valid, and are not less important than his just because you "don't know what it's like." (My husband tried to invalidate my feelings in the beginning with this argument.)
I thought the initial shock of learning my husband was "attracted to men" was the worst thing I'd ever been through. However, it was the following crap he put me through-- when things hurt me and he continued to do them anyway--that made me really examine what I wanted out of my marriage and from him vs. what I was getting.
Abby's advice about boundaries is what I had needed to hear from my counselor. I can set boundaries, and although I can't control if my husband crosses them, I can control how I react. What are the consequences for crossing the boundaries? Am I prepared to follow through?
- Epiphany
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Re: Feeling incredibly lost and lonely
Hi Kat. I’m new to this forum but wanted to respond. What strikes me the most in your post is your willingness to bend yourself and your needs to meet and support his. We all do it here but I can tell you, looking back (I’m still very much in the middle of trying to figure out if my husband and I can make it through years of infidelity due to his unmet sexual desires for men)...that my biggest regret is loosing myself. I gave up the opportunity to pursue my dream of singing, going to college and chose to be the doting housewife and mother my husband wanted. Looking back, I think he may have been secretly worried that if I were too strong, I might decide to leave or if he allowed other men to talk to me (he gets very jealous if another man even talks to me), that I could be swept away by a straight man.
My whole point is don’t let this happen to you. Your husband is taking all this time to discover himself. Make sure you are doing the same for yourself. If you are not ok with these things, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You can tell him you love him and want to work but you think he needs counseling and maybe you do too. Set yourself up for success whatever your future may be. I am currently not sure if my future path will proceed with or without my husband. So I am having to prepare for both. I need to get stronger, figure out our finances, ask myself what I want in life etc....possibly preparing for divorce while also talking with my husband, being open and finding a counselor to help us and me sort through this all. I think the best advice I’ve been given is to take it slow , be true to yourself and accept nothing less and that none of us are alone in this. Another thing I find to be helpful in life in general, is to always be authentic but kind. Kindness and honesty along with good intentions go very far in every relationship, whether it’s that of friendship or marriage.
In this with you,
Epiphany
- LostAtSea
- Unregistered
Re: Feeling incredibly lost and lonely
K - I was in the same boat as you. My husband of 11 year and together for 16 came out to me about 1 1/2 months ago. Told me he's been cross dressing since 10 and I NEVER knew it. I only found clothes once while we were dating and he told me it was an ex. I was totally blindsided!
We moved across the country before the pandemic. Here I am by myself in a state that I know NO ONE, in a lonely cold apartment when he "called" to tell me is news. After several phone calls over the next 2 weeks, it went from part time cross dresser, full time cross dresser, to trans, to bi trans. My mind is literally blown!!
My best friend and soul mate. I went from being mad, betrayed, hurt, anger, etc to then wanting to help him because of cries of help. Wanting to know why God created him with such messed up desires. For the last month, I even thought about hanging onto him how ever I could. Even if he says he now "desires" to be complete by a man. We thought that would change if bedroom habits changed. My dumb ass even agreed to this. Why I don't know? I think I didn't want to believe he desired to be a woman to be with a man.
I was totally ignoring my feelings and desires to hang onto him. Everyone thought I was NUTS! I told myself everyone doesnt know what we mean to each other and only we know. Even day after day we would say yes it will work, not it won't work.....I wanted him happy and to find his "soul". I was a helpful spouse looking into therapist, gender clinics for hormones etc. I almost let him "come home" because he was begging to see me to apologize in person. I almost let him come home to "make it work".
ALL of this changed when I discovered dating websites, sexting, disgusting nude pics in his female form. Sexting men all day long and not working. He thought I would never find out. Now I know why he keep telling me he "loves me with all his heart" but his head is "screaming with voices to be desired by men"....it's because he has ALREADY been with men!
Now we are in a nasty divorce battle. He said "I wish you would have just left it when I said I was emailing men online". I said I bet you did! Too bad I logged into our shared cell phone account and found the entire text string pics and all. I have these FOREVER! He said I thought we were going to have an amicable divorce? I said well now you don't want to give me what you promised me before I found the pics and text string. The amicable part went out the door when you were sending D pics of yourself!
Today I am in a better place.I am not crying or feeling sorry for his suffering. He lost all of that when he lied about being in touch with men and sending nude pics.
I advice is you will want to hold onto him because he is your spouse. Even if he changed, the change is shocking and now your have lowered your desires to make him happy with his. Just remember your desires matter too. And I have said to myself, I will not accept behavior that I do not do to others. If I don't keep secrets, I don't like secrets kept. If I want to desire a man, I want a man to desire me. I know my true worth and I hope you will find yours. You deserve better!
Stay Strong!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feeling incredibly lost and lonely
Katsjaded742 wrote:
......I'm feeling lost, abandoned, and taken advantage of. I'm a nice person who doesn't like to upset others and I feel he's taken advantage of that so I won't fight him on this transition. I'm losing attraction every time I see him dressed and my sex drive has dropped to zero.
Am I supposed to ignore my own feelings to support him?
Listen to your sex drive, pay attention to your feelings and your intuition. They are your best allies at the moment. Have you spoken with anybody about this? You need a sounding board, a listening ear....a shoulder.
NOT YOUR HUSBAND THOUGH.
We're here for you
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Zenobia
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Re: Feeling incredibly lost and lonely
Katsjaded742 so sorry this is happening to you but glad you are reaching out for support.
I’m not you of course but I will say that over the course of a few years where my situation escalated (3 years into the relationship caught him wearing my underwear which escalated to him already having female clothing escalated to buying more and the ask for help with makeup and hair to then things in the bedroom I was not into then escalation a few more steps and now a pandemic announcement of now being a woman) I set my feelings aside over and over. I did want to be mean or unsupportive so I set no boundaries and never said how uncomfortable I was with many things nor how much none of it appealed to me. I hoped and hoped he’d notice the body language but no. I very much regret not advocating for myself.
You matter.