Sean wrote:

Thanks for posting JS. Two questions for you:

Question 1: What is your current status (married, separated, divorced)?
Question 2: What advice would you give to a younger you when you first discovered your partner was gay? 

 

1: I'm married (about 2 years post-bomb drop)
2: My husband is bisexual...not gay (It still seems a bit odd even typing that sometimes...maybe because nothing actually changed in our relationship). I have way too high of a libido to attempt a MOM with a gay man (though I might make an exception for Antoni Porowski). My advice to my younger self would probably be: Ask him if he's straight...haha 

Blue Bear wrote:

Epiphany wrote:

(our counselor is pushing us to consider pologamy which neither of us want, we are waiting to see if she changes her tune). So counselor felt a bit off/pushy in the wrong direction for us but the session did lead us to having deeper more honest conversations. 

I think some of these counselors try to live a swinging, sexually adventurous life vicariously through their clients.

Now that is an interesting theory. 
I just think most counselors aren't equipped to deal with this. I was amazed by how little research on "the straight spouse experience" is available. Many here have had more success with therapists who specialize in trauma, it seems. 

I'm not in a horrible situation...but what I appreciate about this forum is that everyone here is looking out for the straight spouse...whereas other forums I've stumbled across (in Reddit, for example) are more focused on the non-straight spouse...and fulfilling his/her "needs"(as they're so often referred to)...I can't tell you how many times I've been asked how I'm keeping my husband satisfied/helping him scratch his "itch"...Never once (outside of this forum) was I asked how he's making me feel loved/fulfilled/desired...and building back my trust. I never in a million years imagined I'd end up here...but, at one of the lowest points of my life, it was comforting to know I wasn't alone....and that my fears/anger/sadness/expectations were valid.

While I typically wouldn't recommend threesomes for most people in a committed relationship (so much can—and often does—go wrong)...I do think it can potentially help solve the "Is he/she gay?" riddle. If your spouse lights up like a Christmas tree around the same sex (but can't even get/keep it up...or feign passion...for you)...that's pretty telling. And if a stranger (the third) looks at you with more desire than the person you've committed your life to....well, that may just be the lightbulb moment—and self-esteem boost—the straight spouse needs (particularly those who've silently accepted blame for a lackluster sex life).

I wrote a post recently about the way straight spouses often minimize their partner's same-sex attraction as just sex: "It's just [insert sexual act]...he doesn't want a relationship with another man" ...If it's just about sexual release, there are many ways to achieve that—both with the straight spouse and/or solo....Yet, the non-straight spouse is willing to risk everything (his/her marriage, full-time access to children, financial security in some cases) for just sex? It doesn't make sense to me. But even if it were just sex...why does that somehow soften the blow? It wouldn't for me...not one bit (whether it was another man or another woman my partner was having just sex with).

 

OutofHisCloset wrote:

One way to "get through this" is to get a lawyer, for yourself.  You already know that you can't count on your husband to be honest with you.  In fact, you may even discover that the "few people" is really "one person."  You wouldn't be the first to be left--and to be jerked around--because your closeted spouse has found a same-sex lover.  A lawyer can tell you your rights under the law, and can advise you on what to do and not to do to protect yourself and your children.  Your spouse has already spent a great deal of marital money on his "new apartment" and "new furniture."  

^^^I second this. Definitely see a lawyer.