OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Search results

Lostperson · General Discussion

OutofHisCloset wrote:
Lost (now Found) Person,
I assume you have a lawyer who is working with you to achieve the best settlement for you and for support for your children. Have you talked to your lawyer about interim financial arrangements? Your stbx should not be controlling the finances. If you don't have a lawyer, please get one.

I also wanted to add this to my earlier post:
These guys will play the "shame" card, and blame "society" for their shame, and expect us to toe the line where they draw it about "telling," but the shame they ought to feel, but don't, is about what they are willing to do to us and to ask us to do. For that, oddly, they never feel shame. My ex at one point said to me "I wish I'd never told anyone!," and my response was to think that he was willing to subject me to an entire life in the dark about what was wrong in my marriage while I blamed myself for imagined failures and worked hard to make myself more "worthy." And that's aside from the way he was willing to actually treat me!

Yes, I have a lawyer and am working with her, but he wants me to trust him with financial agreements, and I said no.

He didn't tell me anything ! I discovered all this ! And now he is pretending to be religious and he moved on from all this since I caught him 6 months ago

This shaming game is real

Lostperson · General Discussion

OutofHisCloset wrote:
Dear Lost Person and MM3:

I found the time during separation and divorce to be hard, because I didn't want to jeopardize the settlement, and was afraid I would anger my then-stbx into blowing up the process somehow. So I understand the way you are feeling right now. Perhaps reminding yourself that this period of time, as difficult as it is, is a stage that will pass. After the divorce, he won't have the same access to you, and you will feel more free.

Lost Person, I also understand why you want to understand why he has done what he has, but you may never get an answer. I felt it, too. What helped me was to tell myself that although I might never get a satisfactory answer from him--and never an apology or even an acknowledgement of his cruelty--I had to accept that he did do it, and that for whatever reason he was willing to treat me the way he did. And knowing that, I acted accordingly when I had to interact with him.

Mm3: What happened to you and in your marriage is yours to tell. You are not "outing" him by talking about the details of your own life. Your stbx has no right to imprison you in his closet, or to expect you to inhabit his closet and live in the dark with him just because he is afraid of the light. I suffered in my now ex's trans closet, where I never asked to be (and you didn't either), for 18 months alone, and it was isolated and damaging to me. You do not have to enable his cowardice or abet his abuse of you in the name of "outing." One reason I did stay in that closet was that I, too, was afraid that if I opened that door and spoke the truth about what was inside it I would be condemned by "society." But guess what? I wasn't. Even those people who had sympathy for my then-husband understood why I needed to leave him.

I really appreciate everyone's input.

I agree with you ,one of the issues is I don't want to jeopardize the settlement mainly about the kids!
He still wants t

…

Lostperson · General Discussion

Anon 765 wrote:
Hi Lostperson,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are not alone. I ask myself that question a lot. I'm a few months past my divorce being final. I do feel a lot better overall, but I still get extremely triggered and feel panic and overwhelm when I have to have contact with him. It can last for a week or so. I am extremely drained and slowly building back up from complete burnout and trauma.

Unfortunately, my ex does not share my view of reality. I am slowly coming to accept that he is profoundly mentally unwell, and likely was that way throughout our long marriage. I can't hold him to the standards of your average person because it's just crazy-making for me. This means big boundaries (that I may have to reinforce), lots and lots, and lots of self care, and avoiding as much contact as I can. It's a tough road that has been devastating to my mental and, to some extent, physical, health.

Now that we no longer live together or need to have much contact (sadly, there is some required occasional contact), I am finally able to start grieving and processing.

I think that with time and distance you will begin to feel better. Just hold on to what you know to be true! And make sure you have a friend or two in your corner who can absolutely have your back and remind you that you are not making things up.

Best wishes,

Anon 765

Thank you for responding ! I hope I will calm down.I feel like a broken record to my friend,mom and sister. I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist .

I really don't understand how he can pretend to this extent and why this image is more important than the truth.

Maybe he married me just for the kids that he tries to play the role of a mom all the time !

It's exhausting !

…

Lostperson · General Discussion

I'm in the process of filing for divorce ...soon to be ex is playing games pretending to be the most religious person in the world , I had to attend his sister's wedding not to cause any drama and now he is telling his family that I just don't love him anymore ! And that's the reason for separation !

His sister told me that all women nowadays want to get divorced !

He ofcourse didn't tell them that he has been watching gay porn for 8 years and exposed me to syphilis! He actually believes his lies that he stopped all his gay thoughts because he claims that he didn't sleep with anyone after the syphilis incident !

He says that I have unhealed trauma because my father was killed ! I have not worked on my trauma!and that I'm bitter ! And I play the victim role!!

Have you all encountered this blaming ? How did you deal with it ? When will I start feeling better ?

I have young kids with him ,I think he will never let me live a normal life.

Lostperson · Support

Tabor wrote:
You have young kids together. That should be both of your priority irregardless of your own individual romantic and sexual relationships in the future. The kids still need both of their parents to be there for them while being at least civil toward one another and that’s more important than whoever either partner might want to get involved with going forward.

It might be an awkward time to pursue a new crush but, then again, I sure wish I had a new person then or since leaving my gay ex and dating can be hard so maybe don’t totally disregard that but try to balance it with the other important family and life transitions you’re up against…

I think we are both trying to be civil but occasionally he says that i have to forgive him and he would never leave me ...which scares me ...

The new person also says that my soon to be ex will never let me go because I'm his cover and he doesn't want his sexual identity to be exposed .

Add to the mix that I'm trying to achieve a dream by applying to a competitive medical speciality and I take care of my mom financially and physically.

Honestly, I feel so burdened and sometimes I just want to disappear but then I remember I'm responsible for the kids .

I'm not suicidal...I think I'm just exhausted .

Lostperson · Support

Anon 765 wrote:
It took me about 6 years to finally leave a very long marriage with grown kids, and a future that was looking really sweet financially. He came out as bi around then, and I asked myself all the usual questions about mixed orientation marriages, read a ton of books about bi men who are married, blah, blah, blah. It was hard. When I finally asked for the separation two years ago I walked that back when we got into the financials and the enormity of it all, but then he fell in love with his current fiancé and I knew it was over. So, it's a journey. A different one for everybody, with a lot of common stops along the way. You will get where you need to go when it's time.

It was definitely worth it, even though it was the very hardest thing I have ever lived through (hopefully the worst thing ever, but life has its surprises). I learned a ton about myself, my ability to cope and my strength. Elle's right - keep breathing and it will all be okay one way or another.

Anon 765

Do you regret staying and trying to understand bisexual married men ?

I'm asking because I tried to convince my self but I seem to get very irritated when I remember seeing his emails and the pics ! I feel like I'm a fool.

Lostperson · Support

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Lostperson wrote:
.......How long did it take u to process all this and get out ?
It has been 6 months and I'm back and forth with my ideas and feelings

After many years of figuring out how I felt about how my r'ship, and where my former partner A placed me in it....I decided after 32 years (bearing in mind the first 20 or so years were absolutely great) that I no longer wanted intimacy with him. As a woman (to put it plainly) sex means love to me....and as much as I wanted to the connection wasn't the same between us. It took me 3 years to reach that decision, then 3 more to move out.
So I hate to say it but 6 months may just be the the beginning. Some get out sooner, some take longer. Some stay, for all kinds of reasons. Financial. Emotional. Family support. There is no one-size-fits-all.

The back and forth you're experiencing is you weighing your options. Every few months I'd test the resolve of my desire to leave and just know I wasn't ready. Our children are all adults and A wasn't nasty, negative or violent so I had time. And things just fell into place for me once I'd made the decision to leave but the most important support was my family, who were always there.

I consider myself lucky. A is paying half my rent, the power bill, and my phone but that won't be for much longer I hope. I could go back to him tomorrow simply to have an easier life but that would mean dealing with all the emotional shit I had to deal with for years. I can do better without that heaviness on my chest and in my heart.

Elle

Wow ! I was so disappointed with myself being unable to make a decision.

I emailed my lawyer again today just to go over the steps needed again.

He says he will not make it more difficult for me ..but will see.

Thank you for sharing your experience .It means alot to me .

…

Lostperson · Support

lily wrote:
how long is a piece of string - he will string you along for as long as you will take it.

talk with your mother and your lawyer. make your plans with them. use them, and us, as a sounding board - every time you talk with your husband you are giving him the chance to string you along a bit more.

He asked me this morning if there is anything he can do to help because I look like I'm dying....then he said he would support any decision I make. He said he doesn't want to see me miserable.

Part of me wants to believe that the person I spent years with and the father of my children is not a thief who stole my years.

He says he thinks he was ready to change when he married me ...but he also had sex with a guy while we were engaged and got syphilis!

I don't trust him at all even though my brain sometimes tells me it could be true that he didn't do anything after marriage except watching gay porn then he mentioned well if I'm stressed or you are away for a conference then I watch these things.

I don't want my self to keep going back and forth but I don't know how to stop.

I wish someday I'll be able to leave like most of you.

Lostperson · Support

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Lostperson wrote:
......I need to be kinder to my self... ...

You need to get angry LP. Not plate-throwing, scream the place down angry.....but quietly contained, "you're not doing this to me any more" angry. When the unfairness and selfishness of his actions finally make you realise you deserve more than what he gives you then you'll wonder why you didn't see it earlier.

The love and emotions for my former partner made extricating myself from that r'ship difficult. But not impossible because I'm now out of it

Elle

How long did it take u to process all this and get out ?

It has been 6 months and I'm back and forth with my ideas and feelings

Lostperson · Support

lily wrote:
that sounds good, Lost - with your mom and a lawyer already mobilised it will help enormously to get through the separation process.

I think mainly all we straight spouses find that once we are separated we start to feel a whole lot better even though there is grief and dilemma dealing with what has happened, it's just so much better once you are away from the confusion and pain that comes from trusting a dishonest spouse.

Don't feel lost - be your own best friend, give yourself the hug of your care and concern that you naturally gave to him. and don't blame yourself for one inch of this.

Thank you for taking the time to respond .I need to be kinder to my self...it's just when he starts saying he never did anything during marriage I start to wonder if it's true....but I don't want to be a detector.specially that I know for a fact that he was with a guy when we were engaged and he talked to a guy after my kids were born and honestly I feel this is enough! Even if he was honest about everything else ...

General Discussion » When will I feel better ? » December 23, 2024 9:24 am

OutofHisCloset wrote:

General Discussion » When will I feel better ? » December 23, 2024 8:17 am

OutofHisCloset wrote:

General Discussion » When will I feel better ? » December 22, 2024 4:59 pm

Anon 765 wrote:

General Discussion » When will I feel better ? » December 22, 2024 2:18 pm

Support » I need direction » November 20, 2024 6:08 am

Tabor wrote:

Support » I need direction » November 14, 2024 5:35 pm

Anon 765 wrote:

Support » I need direction » November 13, 2024 5:09 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Lostperson wrote:

Support » I need direction » November 13, 2024 2:43 pm

lily wrote:

Support » I need direction » November 12, 2024 8:43 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Lostperson wrote:

Support » I need direction » November 12, 2024 5:59 am

lily wrote:

Board footera