Would anyone be able to share the original post with me? Not looking to have it reposted publicly if it was offensive, I just find myself looking for insight into my husband’s tortured mind and I am very curious when a questioning spouse shares openly. Thanks

Hi Gwendolyn, thanks for sharing your experience. It’s  crazy to think about doing this when things are otherwise stable and friendly. I felt like I was the one tearing us apart when I starting putting up boundaries and I was lucky to have a friend remind me that me deciding to separate isn’t tearing us apart, it’s just the acknowlegement of the truth that has already torn us apart.
What did you tell your kids the reason was? I very much want to be honest with them right away but it might not be possible until later and I’m struggling with what we tell them. I’m afraid that they will make up reasons or blame themselves if they don’t know the actual reason. How has this gone for your family?

Eleanor

Anon 765 wrote:

I would like to have a few friends in person (or on video) or a support group who have been through the same thing. Last time I checked, there wasn't an Our Path group in my city, but this is a good reminder to check again.

 

Anon, if you are open to a few of us meeting on zoom every so often outside of the official our path groups I’d be interested! I am lucky to have an in person our path support group in my town but I haven’t gone yet, I might try the next meeting in a couple weeks.

Yes to the extreme fight or flight and dizziness with every new revelation/conversation. I could also barely eat for the first six months and lost 20 pounds (he didn’t notice, although I had acquaintances commenting so I know it was obvious). Stress and panic do crazy things to our bodies.

Elle makes an excellent point about needing to hear someone else’s reaction. Many of us are exceptionally empathetic/codependent people, and for me that meant that my empathy for his situation kept me disconnected from my own feelings over MY new situation. Being able to tell a couple of close friends - the ones who are no-BS tell it like it is types was the most helpful thing for me. Both of their reactions, separately, were the exact same: “he said WHAT? WTF? And he thinks you’re staying married?! You’re separating, right?!” It helped me see that being angry and upset wasn’t an overreaction like I had been worried it was. They were most concerned that I didn’t seem to be as angry as they were for me. It also helped because I could lay out alllllll of the slow-drip ups and downs at once - as soon as I finished telling the story I could hear it myself - but OF COURSE he’s gay! And OF COURSE it’s better to split, even though it’ll be hell on all of us.
Now, keeping that mindset when we’re together and things start feeling like “normal” is my challenge.

And hell yes, it’s absolutely fucking exhausting.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I’ve come a long way emotionally since my first post in January. I see clearly that I want a husband who wants me - all of me. He has recently started actually trying to understand my feelings and has given a sincere apology - for not being honest from the start, for putting me through this now, and for not being able to give me that. He does sincerely love me, I believe that, and wants desperately to keep our family together. I love him too, but I don’t want an open marriage and I don’t think a lifetime of celibacy is a realistic expectation for two healthy people in their 40s.
I’ve been feeling selfish for putting my own needs above the need of my kids to have one household with 2 parents, especially if we can be kind and honest with each other. I’ve been discounting what the effect of this process will be on our relationship. You both describe how it started breaking down and became impossible to stay together happily. It seems obvious now - we won’t be able to go “back to normal” where he’s pretending to be straight and I’m clueless and assuming our problems are due to other factors. I’ve been so hurt by his rejection of me and I see his “biromantic bisexual”identity (bi sexual as long as it doesn’t involve vaginas…but I digress) as a confusing place along the path to him fully acknowledging that he is gay. I have been thinking that I could stay in it until he “gets there” but my therapist is helping me realize that as long as he thinks he can keep our marriage intact and knows that being gay would destroy it, this will never happen. In one sense the way in which I can help him the most along his path is to separate. Codependent? Maybe. I honestly care about him and want him to be happy. I’m learning to prioritize my own happiness too, and this clearly isn’t it.
I’m so grateful to you both for posting. Reading through stories that are so different from mine have had me questioning if it�