Hello Eleanor. I checked when your last post was and it was back in January. 

Has something...anything?.... changed in the months since you were last here?

Elle

EleanorIsntHere wrote:

...I’m starting to see that separation/divorce may be inevitable, but it kills me to think about doing this to our kids.

 

Your children will benefit from having 2 happy but separated parents....in my opinion. As the one who's has the dynamic of her marriage changed I believe you should be putting yourself and your children first. Kids are resilient and can be more accepting of change as long as they don't feel they've lost either parent. Sure he won't want the status quo to change, he's comfortably living 2 lives, while you're left confused.
This would of course mean having discussions about shared parenting but if he's such a good father...surely he'll realise the benefit to all of you?
I'm glad you're sleeping apart but it should be you who starts making decisions, whatever they are, to stabilise the lives of you and your kids...Edited to say....because their father probably never will.

E
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 11, 2024 3:09 pm)

I'm so glad I jumped back on these message boards today. Eleanor and Anon - my situation is also similar. About 5 and a half years ago (right around our 15 year wedding anniversary) my wife told me she was gay - or thought she was gay - knew she wasn't straight or attracted to me. At that time she was bringing up options like separation and divorce. At the time I couldn't hear it. I rejected everything except the idea of forcing it to work - especially for the kids. We have 5. At the time they were 15, 13, 11, 9, and 6.

Five years later I feel much different. We've basically co-parented for the last five years. During these last 5 years, I had to grieve the relationship I thought I had. At this point there's nothing left to it. I feel like I'm married to my sister.

I met with my counselor yesterday (for the first time in 3 years) and discussed with her how I feel that I can't do this anymore. I think we are all on different timelines. Thoughts that I could not entertain, like "what would a divorce do to the kids?" are no longer the ones that dominate my mind/feelings. They're still there, but was is more powerful for me now is that I want my kids to see us being honest. Honest with them, each other, and those around us. It will be different and it will be difficult, but I think after a lot of the initial painful steps it will be life-giving for everyone. I truly believe that both my wife and I will be better versions of ourselves once we're free from trying to force a relationship that cannot work (which is no one's fault).

Hi Eleanor,

A few things in response to your post.

First, it's great that you have come so far and are able to see what you want. Hold tight to that! I made a list of "why this won't work" and put a big post-it on it that said "read this when you doubt". It's normal to doubt, especially if you're getting along and having big discussions about his sexuality while trying to separate. He needs support for himself in this, so you don't have to be that person for him too.

Second, you are so lucky to have gotten a sincere apology and genuine acknowledgement of his part in things. That bodes well for a future friendship if you so desire.

I love your therapist . So true - he has no motivation to end this. You're not codependent. Just surviving a difficult situation the best way you know how. 

As for your kids: be the constant one. Their dad will change as he processes this and (hopefully) comes out. He may go through a gay adolescence or distance himself from them out of shame for a while. You just be the steady rock they need. The will be fine and get through this. They may want therapy at some point, so make that happen if you can. Be honest, open and age-appropriate when you tell them things. Kids can smell a lie a mile away. You may consider telling them he's questioning his sexuality, even if he doesn't want to tell them. The absolute worst mistake I made, that I deeply regret, is that I didn't tell the kids as soon as I knew (in an age-appropriate way). I didn't think it was right to "out" him, and I did encourage him to tell them, again and again. When he finally came out as "bi" to them, one of my kids was so furious that I had kept the secret for years. It seriously damaged my relationship with that child (now repaired, stronger than before, so whew!).  It would have helped this child so much to know that he was not straight. Perhaps your therapist can guide you in this. Keep telling the kids that *you've got this*, and it will all work out just fine. 

Advice for separation: get a lawyer for you, as soon as possible, preferably without talking to him about it first. Get your financial picture on paper before discussing separation. There are divorce financial consultants that can help with that. That includes all assets, debt, house and car ownership, pension entitlement, health care plans, etc. The professionals are not cheap, but they are worth the money, in my opinion. Have a clear idea of what you want, and what you are legally entitled to, and write it down. Be fair, but don't be "nice". Advocate for your future. Sleep in separate parts of the house if you aren't already while negotiating the separation. Perhaps agree to only discuss the logistics of the separation in emails - this was helpful for me to have a written record of things, and also to stay clear and civil. We shared a house for a year while negotiating the separation. No matter how kind we intended to be towards each other, we were human, and, how can I put this... we both wanted "all the toys" . Some hurtful things will probably be said by both of you, so just know that it's normal, because this is hard. We used a mediator because that's how it's done where I live for "amicable" separation, but you absolutely want your own lawyer and a clear picture of your rights BEFORE going into mediation.

Find a friend or two that you can be totally open and honest with, and vent when you need to about everything. Someone who can hold your big emotions and be there when you rage or cry. Every so often, smash a plate inside a pillow case (close it with a rubber band) - the crash is satisfying and it's easy to clean up. A tip from one of these wonderful friends. So therapeutic! I still smile when I think of doing this.

If you have more questions or just want to discuss further, feel free to reach out to me privately through the site. I log in every few days. You can do this. You will be okay, and there are absolutely brighter days ahead for your whole family.

Anon 765
 

Sonnet61, you raise so many questions -- and the question about how to talk to kids is a really tough one.  In your situation, the age spread is pretty significant, too, so what's appropriate for one child's developmental stage might not work for another child.

My experience tells me that this isn't going to work if you release tidbits of information, or try to do it in baby steps.  Your kids will be talking amongst themselves, for one thing.  There's another trap you should avoid: giving them this huge shocking new truth but telling them they have to keep it a secret from their own friends and support networks.  It inherently manipulates them into isolation; it creates a barrier that leaves them unable to process or grieve.  

You are hereby officially designated The Adult In The Room.  Your husband needs to know that you are planning to cease keeping his identity secret from the children and the public, for the sake of the children.  If someone is single and wants to keep their gay identity a secret, it's their own choice -- but once you have a wife and FIVE kids, it's not "your" secret -- it's the family's own narrative, too, and you have no right to impose secrecy on the kids or your wife just because you're embarrassed to be gay. 

So if he needs to tell anyone privately in advance (his parents, siblings, etc.) now is the time to do it.  Don't give him an out, give him a deadline.  

Last edited by walkbymyself (August 21, 2024 8:33 am)