Adrift456 wrote:

SWEngineer, I feel some similar vibes to you. I also feel out of place here. My wife was not a narcissist, didn't cheat on me. But I am not as magnanimous as you, I feel anger and betrayal even though she's doing it in the open after coming out to me. But in my good moments, I feel empathy for her and hope for her happiness. But it gets clouded by those feeling of being heartbroken, sad, alone, and abandoned. 

I also am hurting by seeing my wife happy in a new relationship. I haven't thought  of it as jealously, but maybe it is. To me it feels elemental, something deep in my core saying "how can you do that those things with that person instead of me?" I'm not talking about only sex, but intimacy, being a romantic and life partner, going on trips with my children. The feeling of being replaced feels so present all the time. My therapist has made it clear that it is not possible to replace me, and while I understand that, on its face it still feels that way.

Don't feel you should be angry if you are not, accept whatever feeling is right for you, in this moment. It may change, for me grief goes in waves through all the major phases and then wraps back around through all of them again, its not a straight path out of this dark place we're in. 
 

I think you touched on a great point, some of the anger or frustration I do have is seeing her happy and doing life with someone else, doing life in a way that I’d asked for for so long and was told she wasn’t able to.

The grief is a hard thing to manage because it manifests is so many different ways.

Thank you for your reply!

Tomorrow will be our 10 year anniversary. We've chosen just to ignore it as we've started the divorce process. I discovered a year ago she had started a relationship and an affair with another man out of state. This started my own counseling session, as well as couples counseling to try to salvage our marriage. We finally decided to separate earlier this year, which shortly after she started dating apps and then came to me with a confession. I had always known she was bisexual, but she was now certain she was a lesbian, and this felt like the most "her" she'd ever been. As we were still working on our marriage, not knowing who she was, and not liking herself was a constant message in our discussions. So hearing her feel "free" was such a relief. As a spouse all you want is for your person to be comfortable and be themselves. I'm happy for her, I'm proud of her. I supported her through so much in our lives together, but know I'm just left in the dark. 

Her new life, path doesn't seem to include me anymore. She's actively distancing herself from even the amazing friendship we had which was the core of our relationship and kept us together through our marriage. I feel used, abandoned, tossed aside. No place left in this space with her other than the father of our son. I'm always going to be a father, that's one of my proudest places to be. 

Our friends are very supportive of her, being there for her, helping her pickup and organize the house after I moved my stuff out. Supportive of her new reality, which I'm thankful for, but they are also just leaving me to be. I feel so incredibly alone. 

I'm happy for her, but the feeling of abandonment is very real. I was the best husband and partner that I knew how to be. And now I'm just someone that was a part of her story... 

I'm supposed to move on, find what makes me happy, find what I need in life. Except it doesn't really seem to matter that I know some of that.