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January 3, 2024 2:07 pm  #1

Mourning what is still living

Tomorrow will be our 10 year anniversary. We've chosen just to ignore it as we've started the divorce process. I discovered a year ago she had started a relationship and an affair with another man out of state. This started my own counseling session, as well as couples counseling to try to salvage our marriage. We finally decided to separate earlier this year, which shortly after she started dating apps and then came to me with a confession. I had always known she was bisexual, but she was now certain she was a lesbian, and this felt like the most "her" she'd ever been. As we were still working on our marriage, not knowing who she was, and not liking herself was a constant message in our discussions. So hearing her feel "free" was such a relief. As a spouse all you want is for your person to be comfortable and be themselves. I'm happy for her, I'm proud of her. I supported her through so much in our lives together, but know I'm just left in the dark. 

Her new life, path doesn't seem to include me anymore. She's actively distancing herself from even the amazing friendship we had which was the core of our relationship and kept us together through our marriage. I feel used, abandoned, tossed aside. No place left in this space with her other than the father of our son. I'm always going to be a father, that's one of my proudest places to be. 

Our friends are very supportive of her, being there for her, helping her pickup and organize the house after I moved my stuff out. Supportive of her new reality, which I'm thankful for, but they are also just leaving me to be. I feel so incredibly alone. 

I'm happy for her, but the feeling of abandonment is very real. I was the best husband and partner that I knew how to be. And now I'm just someone that was a part of her story... 

I'm supposed to move on, find what makes me happy, find what I need in life. Except it doesn't really seem to matter that I know some of that.


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