Hi Dutchman,

Thank you for your response.  

You are correct that over a period of time things started to go very off in our sexual life and it was not a case of either of us being at fault.  It is very good that it has come out.  It is hard, scary, terrifying, but it allows us to build a foundation on the truth of who each of us are in life and in our marriage.  I do believe that this will make our marriage even better and stronger than it was before.  

In the past week, my husband has been more comfortable in his own skin than he ever was before.  We are talking more than ever before about our needs and desires.  Some of the revelations are terrifying because it shakes a belief that I had about him and our relationship.  However, the revelation itself is a good thing because the revelation is the truth.  He is also learning new things about me, because I am suddenly able to open up pieces of me that I have been unable to share.  Some of those pieces are things that I never thought to share.  Some revelations even seem to be new to me.  That is rather scary too. 

I have sent you a personal message about something as well.

Thank you,
Emeraldsong

Hi Dutchman,

Thank you so much.  My husband and I have been talking and talking and talking.  We are both committed to making our MOM work and work well.   Thank you for reminding me that marriage is all about making a choice and like any choice it then limits the options for the future. That is what essentially marriage is about choosing each other and continuing to choose each other -- even when times get hard.

I know that my husband loves me and chooses to love me.  The friends and family to whom we have chosen to share this with all have reminded me of how much my husband loves me.  They have reminded me and him of the joy that we have in each other as who we are.

Acceptance of each other exactly as we are has always been a core piece of our relationship.  I have never tried to change my husband and I would not want to change him.  If I changed him, he would not be the man I married.  This aspect of him that has come to the surface - to awareness is simply another aspect of him that we need to integrate into our marriage.  

I have also come to the realization that I had become very selfish in our marriage.  I had forgotten to love and cherish him in the ways that he has needed my love and care.  This is my error and I have asked my husband for his forgiveness.  We are already realizing that his being gay may have actually saved our marriage from becoming one of two people living in the same home, but not truly connected with each other.  

Thank you

 

On December 26, my husband of 21+ years disclosed to me that he has realized that he is gay.  He had only realized it a week or so before that was who he was/is.  He has not cheated on me, and he has not used porn.  We are both Christians with a strong and real faith. He has told me that he still loves me and wants to stay married to me.  We have two children 18 yrs and 14 yrs.  There is no abuse of any kind in our relationship.

I feel that my life has been upended, dumped in a blender and someone pushed puree.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I am sick to my stomach and I have no appetite.  Sleep happens when I am so exhausted that my body cannot stay awake.  

He is almost giddy and euphoric about this discovery.  He understands that I am not feeling the same.  He knows that I am mourning and processing this.  He is trying to be supportive of me during this time and yet he did not realize how much it would hurt me.  He understands that if he were to go out and act on this new information, it would be cheating.  He has said that he has no intention of seeking a relationship or sex outside of our marriage.  

I do love him very much and I know that he is not lying when he says that he loves and cares for me.  He just in not sexually attracted to me very much.  I want to try to make our relationship work. 
I am so afraid --
   --  afraid that if he enters the LGBTQ+ community -- even the Christian LGBTQ+ community that he will find a     
            man and that they will fall in love.  Then, I will be left alone with no one.
 --   afraid that I will end up with no faith community to support me while everyone is busy supporting him.
--   afraid that our love and care for each other will not be enough to sustain our marriage
 --  afraid that I am undesirable 
--   afraid that we will work hard to rebuild our marriage and then he will say, "nope this is not enough for me"

I am afraid.  I am grieving.  I am lost.