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1 | Support » Shocked and devastated - is there any way to make this work? » May 17, 2025 10:30 am |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 9
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Throwaway -
I say ditto to the above... I tried for 2 1/2 years to make a "marriage" work. After 28 years of my life (and 4 amazing kids) and truly loving him - even with the ugliness of all of this - and another 2 1/2 years of hell in a long contentious very expensive divorce I reiterate what others have said: you are young and get out now. Starting over at 48 is not where you want to be 20 years later!!!!!
"Marie"
| General Discussion » Witchcraft, Novels, and more!!! » May 17, 2025 10:19 am |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 71
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Just catching up here Heid - I remember first getting the bed to myself, weird after so long with someone but it's the first time I actually slept in a long time. But nightmares of him being in bed with me and me kicking and screaming for him to get out
Thinking of you - "Marie"
| Strategies for MOM's » How to decide if an MOM is right for your situation? » March 26, 2025 8:59 pm |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 6
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Frodo - As I'm reading your story I had a couple thoughts, here's my two cents:
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If she's deceitful I would be out of the marriage (many spouses have known their whole lives but chosen to lie and therefore subject their spouse to an abusive situation)
If she's just now being attracted to women and wanting to pursue that... well I wondered with my ex husband, if he all the sudden wondered what it was like to fuck a blonde would I be ok with him looking at blonde porn? Fantasizing about blondes? Talking to blondes just to see if there was chemistry? Opening the marriage to see if he was more fulfilled with fucking blondes? And I was willing to be the door mat if it didn't really work with blondes and the one to hold the family and life together for everyone to think we were still "perfect?" Or was he going to be all in our marriage still and make it work no matter his sexual identity? Or had he always been gay and was deceitful our entire marriage - in which case see to point number one.
In my case, it came out (ha) that he had been fucking men in public bathrooms, parking lots etc... for who knows how long and that he was selfish beyond comprehension. After repeated infidelity (and my genuine forgiveness) and deceit and STD testing and broken promises, I could not remain married to him. He was not in any sense the man I married or the father to my children.
I can see a MOM working for you if she is all in, if she is honest, if you are honest about what you want and you both can find a way to have a sexually gratifying relationship as well as the intimate day to day life that's full and meaningful. It could be something that brings you closer, having someone love you even with your quirks and the ugly things no one else knows is amazing, someone to share your struggles and fears and dreams with. Someone to confide your deepest desires and laugh about the craziness of life.
If your wife wants to pursue a different life, I'd take every step you c
| Support » Cycling » March 25, 2025 3:09 pm |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 16
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It's definitely a mindfuck.
One thing that helped me came from one of my teen kids (these wisened ones, ha!) when seeing me cry. My response to why I was crying was "because it's my husband." My kiddo said "no it's not, your husband is dead. That's just some stranger that looks like him."
Thinking about it that way really helped even through the divorce when what he was doing did not at all line up with who I knew him to be. A stranger I was forced to interact with, but who definitely didn't have my or my kids' well being as priority.
Hugs to you Jupiter -
"Marie"
| Support » Find a good therapist » March 17, 2025 8:10 pm |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 4
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Hi Miriam80 -
After speaking to three - all of whom I had issues with blaming me (at what point in my relationship did I specifically, verbally tell my husband that I expected monogamy for the entirety of my marriage?! How was he to know??) or using the outdated codependency model or encouraging me to be "more supportive" of my "brave" husband living his truth - I found a fantastic one in CA that I went to a week-long intensive with. Unfortunately I live in a different state so couldn't see her regularly. I will message you as well -
"Marie"
| Support » Intro to therapy? » January 31, 2025 11:44 am |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 13
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Borogove -
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I add to the sentiment expressed by others, I'm sorry you find yourself here with us. I can't speak much to what "worked" for me as far as therapy and counseling as honestly the most helpful came from those not in that profession. My advice would be to go with your gut and find someone who connects with you and your experience - not someone who is pushing you to "be supportive" of your wife or to accept responsibility (lotta inappropriately attributed codependency talk in that world) for something that you are not or did not do. The model that I found made the most sense was the Omar Minwalla model - there are several podcasts from Our Voices as well as BTR org and Chump Lady websites I think.
On the legal side I would say hire an aggressive attorney, you might be better off than what you think.
I live in an at-fault state. There was a TON of infidelity, with lots of evidence. I have stayed at home with kids for the whole of our marriage, do not have a degree, do not have a job. I had to "prove" what my "need" is - every expense I have accounted for to justify the spousal support - in your case it sounds like your wife wouldn't have the monthly living expense with her parents home etc... for as much as you might think.
Anything my ex made after separation (even the bonus that was based on his work the year before, if I had known and waited a few more days before kicking him out I would have gotten this) I got $0. And Blackie is right - anything in mediation cannot be revealed in court. I too signed and notarized multiple documents thinking we had come to agreement. I had to borrow money from my parents - I couldn't qualify for any credit as I don't have income- to pay legal fees. One more humiliation. I know I was overwhelmed and felt paralyzed and sick with the mindfuck so I feel for you! I also even now have to portray the "normal" "perfect" life to our friends, family, neighbors, church etc... though I can at least say I'
| Support » Discarded during Christmas after 6 years » January 29, 2025 6:08 pm |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 35
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wow, that's a lot for a month out - thinking of you and hoping for the good things moving forward for you. Keep us posted -
| General Discussion » How is everyone doing? » January 27, 2025 7:54 am |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 42
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Toward the Light - I'm curious if the therapy session you enrolled in is the same as the week long intensive I did in CA last year - I private messaged you as well. The wedding experience is a rough one, I'm sorry
| Support » Discarded during Christmas after 6 years » January 25, 2025 12:25 pm |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 35
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Final - on the numbness and dreams, I found that was "normal" for me - feeling numb then extreme feelings and physical symptoms (shaking, ear ringing, puking/diarrhea, crying etc...) In one of my dreams I was literally ripped apart and I was so thankful for the overwhelming nothingness and darkness to not feel excruciating pain any longer. Some dreams were me missing my husband, others were me being horrified that he was in my house. Some were of sex with him. Be patient with yourself, your mind is just trying to make sense of the (again) mindfuck it has been thrown into. It gets better - my numbness went away and the physical symptoms slowly dissipate, the dreams subside. Hugs -
| Support » Discarded during Christmas after 6 years » January 25, 2025 12:09 pm |
- MarieSmith
- Replies: 35
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Hi Final,
I'm sorry this happened to you and that you find yourself here. I will reiterate what Lily and Elle have said because it bears repeating - this is a mindfuck. For me it was good to be reminded of that and to know via this forum that I was not alone. There are lots of posts, podcasts, and resources on here that you might find helpful at different stages of the process, just take what you need. It's probably hard to trust your gut after this, but try to feel out what is genuinely helpful to you and don't worry about the rest of it - there will be lots of opinions and judgements and those who don't understand your specific situation. When I first found out that this is my reality, a "veteran" told me that he decided he wouldn't let this ruin the rest of his life. That's another thing that I have repeated to myself to get through the hell days (and nights). Reach out to the forum anytime and post what you need, maybe see if there is a support group in your area. Again, I'm sorry you find yourself here but a warm welcome and support from afar -
"Marie"