Confusedpartner - I can't speak to all of your questions but I can share my experience on some of them:

 Does gay in denial husband could act like a straight man in physical intimacy?

Absolutely!  I was married for almost 30 years to a man who I thought was straight.  We had frequent (several times a week if not daily, and every once in a while multiple times a day), satisfying (I thought), fun, sex that (again I thought) was intimate.  There were never red flags I've read in others' experience for me to pick up on even in retrospect.  

Is it possible they could seek sex with men outside hidden from straight spouse?
Again - absolutely!  My exhusband was on Grindr and Sniffies constantly and engaged -during COVID when we were together with our kids and their friends 24/7 at our house- in sex with men in public restrooms, parking lots, on bike trails, in my car, and in my bed.  It blows my mind looking back at how he pulled it off.  If he had a dentist appointment that I didn't go with him to, he fucked someone in the bathroom, a run to grab a bottle of wine?  In the parking lot.  A quick bike ride by himself?  Yep on the trail... There is no limit to what they can look you in the eye and say while planning and maintaining their selfish, secret lives.  I had no idea - again this is when we were literally in the same house constantly, not "normal" when he was going to work at the office with all sorts of other opportunities.

 Can it be hidden to this extent?
Again - YES.  And my exhusband was so full of integrity and amazing and I loved him with all of me.  Everyone thought of him as honest and the "perfect" man in all respects.  He is NOT THE MAN I MARRIED and NOT who he portrayed himself to be.  He chose himself above me and my kids every single time he had the opportunity.

Any insights? 
Honestly, I wish I had not held out hope and thought that OUR m

OOHC, Jupiter, and Anon222 - 

A happy new year to you all... as is my usual feeling when logging on here - I wish I could convey more with words to you all a heartfelt hug, and to meet for coffee in person.  Anon feel free to private message me, I'm forgetting geographically (if you ever mentioned it) where you are, if we are close I can be a shoulder in person. That empty feeling seems to be a common thread in this #$@#! experience, I'm sorry.  

- "Marie"

A note to all - I am just rereading some of the posts and wanted to reiterate my thankfulness to each of you for sharing what you have with me, I cannot express how much this forum has meant to me and how grateful I have been for your posts and shared experiences.  Elle - your description of the storm in this thread really clicked with me this morning, it rings true to my experience.  I was glad to read again updates of some of the journeys here, especially from some of you that I "met" at the beginning of mine in 2020.  At some point I would love to meet everyone in person, I know others have discussed in the past.  For anyone needing an extra connection, feel free to reach out in a private message.  With heartfelt thanks - "Marie"

Pete, you're smart to have had a prenup done, something I never would have thought.  You can always just do an updated post nup together so that if something happens the details are already taken care of, I so wish I had done that.  At first my husband was going to take care of me and the kids but as time went on he became even more focused on himself and refused what he originally agreed.  I stayed at home with the kids since my early 20s - and never graduated college- so there is a vast disparity in finances and career potential.  A post nup would have saved me years of my life and a ton in legal fees, like you said just to have in your back pocket "in case."  

Em - 

I identify with where you are at, feeling isolated and alone.

When I first found out, I told no one.  We worked on our "marriage" and as far as I knew were going to move forward.  I didn't want anyone to know because I wanted it to be as easy as possible for him and for us to have a great marriage.  That was over four years ago.  I've spent many days driving around crying so kids wouldn't see or laying in the shower puking.  I attempted several therapists and only found one (unfortunately in a different state so I couldn't continue working with them) who didn't attempt to victim blame or spout codependency crap or take the "BRAVE" man's side.

There is also the embarrassment and shame - HOW could I not know for DECADES I was married to a gay man???  I really did not have the red flags I read others had, our sex life was frequent and -I thought- satisfying and fun.  It's humiliating (yes, I know it's not me.  Yes, I know I shouldn't feel the shame) none the less.

I understand the horror of facing the financial uncertainty.  I also stayed at home with our kids and do not have any work experience or education, though I paid our bills and knew the general sense of things.  It will be a huge adjustment for me and the kids.

He moved out 2 years ago.  I have only told my parents and siblings and a couple friends.  For the rest of the world I maintain a ridiculous facade - just the other day I was on a walk and a neighbor was asking how my "better half" was doing (I said "he's really busy!"), none of our friends and church members and extended family know anything is amiss.  My soon to be ex attempted to gag order me by adding non disclosure and non disparaging clauses in the divorce settlement, I will still be under the threat of losing spousal support if I say much unfortunately.  Soon, after I receive the final order of divorce, I can at least say I am divorced.  

I am still contemplating how to answer the inevitable question of why or what in