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- Toward the Light
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Re: Intro to therapy?
Hi b, Welcome and I’m glad you reached out. Maybe you will not feel so alone in your situation. For clarification, I wondered about your statement —and I’m not asking a legal question here— “there is no infidelity here anyway.” Are you saying when you married your wife you knew she was gay? If not, how did she land there without experimenting while married to you? Thanks for helping me understand.
- MarieSmith
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Re: Intro to therapy?
Borogove -
I add to the sentiment expressed by others, I'm sorry you find yourself here with us. I can't speak much to what "worked" for me as far as therapy and counseling as honestly the most helpful came from those not in that profession. My advice would be to go with your gut and find someone who connects with you and your experience - not someone who is pushing you to "be supportive" of your wife or to accept responsibility (lotta inappropriately attributed codependency talk in that world) for something that you are not or did not do. The model that I found made the most sense was the Omar Minwalla model - there are several podcasts from Our Voices as well as BTR org and Chump Lady websites I think.
On the legal side I would say hire an aggressive attorney, you might be better off than what you think.
I live in an at-fault state. There was a TON of infidelity, with lots of evidence. I have stayed at home with kids for the whole of our marriage, do not have a degree, do not have a job. I had to "prove" what my "need" is - every expense I have accounted for to justify the spousal support - in your case it sounds like your wife wouldn't have the monthly living expense with her parents home etc... for as much as you might think.
Anything my ex made after separation (even the bonus that was based on his work the year before, if I had known and waited a few more days before kicking him out I would have gotten this) I got $0. And Blackie is right - anything in mediation cannot be revealed in court. I too signed and notarized multiple documents thinking we had come to agreement. I had to borrow money from my parents - I couldn't qualify for any credit as I don't have income- to pay legal fees. One more humiliation. I know I was overwhelmed and felt paralyzed and sick with the mindfuck so I feel for you! I also even now have to portray the "normal" "perfect" life to our friends, family, neighbors, church etc... though I can at least say I'm divorced now - not the whole reason though. Feel free to message with more specific questions, use the experiences of others on here to help you and lean on them for support.
-Marie
- borogove
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Re: Intro to therapy?
I had a sit down discussion with my wife and her parents, we agreed:
We are currently separated and she intends for it to be permanent
We are not on the same page as far as:
I think our finances should be separate right now, and she seems shocked “but I’m buying groceries for you and the kids!” [I can see how I can enact this unilaterally and may do so fairly quickly, but would prefer to have mutual recognition & agreement that this is obviously appropriate]
I think that, having left me, she now has an obligation to find full time work and contribute to the financial support of the kids, to the maximum extent she can. Her plan is her parents will pay for her living expenses, I will pay for the kids expenses, and maybe she will try to find a part time job at some point and keep her afternoons free to help out with the kids. This seems grossly unequal to me.
I also cannot get her to articulate any opinion or expectation on asset division, child support, alimony etc.
Spoke to some lawyer friends and got recommendations. Found an attorney who is on the board of the choir school where 2 of my kids sing & I am an adult volunteer. Meeting on Monday.
All of which is to say, I still haven’t spoken to a therapist which was my original request. But I have stabilized somewhat emotionally and now demanding answers to practical questions.
Edit: on your question Toward The Light, this is about her revealing that what she feels in her heart has changed. It is not something she has experimented with. I get that—I knew I was straight long before having sex with a woman! In addition, I did not see any signs of her experiencing same sex attraction, ever, in 20 years together. Sex and her enthusiasm for sex decreased but I didn’t feel it was gone or unrecoverable, and assumed we would work on it over the rest of our lives & will get more time to invest in each other as the kids get older. The explanation that she is gay had literally never crossed my mind. Regardless, the trauma here is the pain of being told that I am in fact not the most important person in the world to her, and she is no longer interested in the glorious future together that I had dreamed of and worked for 20 years to make a reality etc. Emotional betrayal. Hope this helps you understand
Last edited by borogove (February 1, 2025 10:05 pm)
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Intro to therapy?
borogove
It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Please remember none of it is your fault.
50/50 here also..just remember she
..entitled to half a kid, half a dog. Half of the assets. She is also entitled to half of the debt.
If they are capable of cheating and plotting then they are quite capable of getting a job.
As far as therapist I went to a general family therapist...I don't think she specialized in anything.. what my therapist was, was a normal straight heterosexual female...which is what I needed at the time...just a normal person to talk to. (Then again anyone is more normal and moral than a cheating GX).
Wishing you fierce faith, strength and stoicism.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7