That’s all. She doesnt love men. Never has been attracted to them. Nothing I can do. So it’s time to move forward. Find someone who does want to fuck my brains out. Someone who does find me attractive. Someone who wants to be romantic with me, and not just be my best friend.

That’s where I am. That’s how I’m going to stay healthy through this. No kids. Two cats. One new house. I will demand visitation rights to the cats if she gets them

There’s nothing we can do even if our gay spouse is kind, loving, thoughtful, and trying to put the friendship you both have first either. At the end of the day, theyre gay, we arent who they need or want. That just fucking. sucks. ass.

The most confusing thing right now is thought spiral of how it could have felt so real. Her answer was, “because it WAS real.” And that just…. that just makes it more confusing. Harder to accept. Because if it WAS real, then why can’t it still be? Why cant she feel that romantic attraction that used to be there? I think the answer actually fairly straightforward now that I type this out. The answer is that she has asked herself the same question, and her answer was “I dont know why I cant.” I know she wishes she could, because she’s told me. That means when she came to the conclusion that she doesnt know, that that conclusion was enough for her. For her it doesnt matter that she doesnt know why, all that matters is that she cant. So she moves on. She goes forward. And I have to sit here fighting with my own mind, trying to get it to stop trying to figure out how to reignite the romantic attraction that once was. Trying to instead get my mind to focus on other things. Like what the fuck I’m supposed to do now that I find myself wanting to go on dates with other women, while knowing that I’m nowhere NEAR being able to see her do the same. Knowing that she set a boundary for herself not to let her feel or act on those desires until we are no longer living in our house, how can I set a lesser boundary for myself? That would ruin the friendship which we want to endure. I hate this.

Now I get why we call it the mindfuck

I’m in such a similar situation. My wife and I have been together 8 years and married 4. We’re in couples and individuals therapy. She grew up never getting to have an opinion or personality. Her survival response to the emotionally abusive town/situation/family/church she found herself in was to people please and be a mask. So when I created a safe space for her, she was finally able to discover who she is. It only took her 6 years to come to terms with her bisexuality. It took her another year or more to come to terms with her lack of an actual sexual or romantic attraction to men, or me. She grew up being told she should marry her best friend so she did! Now we’re trying to decouple (well she kinda already has as she did a lot of this thinking and dealing with shit before me as she wrestled internally with admitting to herself that she wasnt bisexual, but fully gay) and it’s hard. It’s so hard. Its so much pain. It’s good for both of us that we want to be best friends still. It’s good for both of us that we want to separate so that we can be happy. The last two months have been kinda miserable, but realizing that I dint want that misery, and any marriage now that she has realized who she is can only be this way, helped me recognize that I dont want this marriage either. Well… the marriage that it would have to be. But man…. this fucking sucks