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Cali,

I’m so sorry this is happening to you... a couple of quick questions: Who’s idea was the separation? Did YOU decide you needed space and want to separate while he figures things out, or did HE want to separate so he could “explore” (in other words, he wanted to cheat without feeling guilty)? And the most importantly, if after he’s had his fling with the other man he decides he wants to come home and be with you, will you still want him too?

This is a betrayal, plain and simple. Reword your story to yourself, but as if the third party was another woman instead of a man. How would you feel then? You don’t HAVE to be okay with this just because he’s bi. Being bi doesn’t excuse infidelity, and infidelity is a very tough thing to get past. (I consider splitting up temporarily to be with someone else infidelity, I don’t believe in loop holes.)

Take time to think, as much time as you need. But do not take him back unless you are sure it’s what YOU want to do. This is a decision only you can make, don’t let anyone (including him) make it for you.

September wrote:

Hopeless Romantic

You are 100% not alone. Even though my husband at the time never specifically said it was my fault that he didn’t want to have sex with me he also never reassured me that it WASN’T my fault. And when we would talk about the issue I use to tell him how “What’s wrong with me? What can I do”. That went on for years. He knew I thought it was my fault and he allowed me to believe that. Awful.

I just turned 30. No kids. And I feel so ugly.
Now I look myself in the mirror every day an say something I like about myself. And then I write down one thing  I’m grateful for or something good that happened that day. It helps sometimes.

September,

I’m so sorry he put you through that... for what it’s worth, 30 is still pretty young and you don’t have kids yet so it’s definitely not too late to start over (if that’s what you want to do). And I think it’s sweet that you make an effort to pay yourself little compliments daily.

Personally, me and mirrors don’t get along. And I’m only 28, but I have 2 small children and some serious trust issues at this point so I’ve already determined that if I’m not able to make things work with my husband (their father) then I’m done with love.

I try to take pride in other things about myself though, like the care I put into my home or the yummy food I make from scratch. And I adore my babies, no matter what I still have them and they are my reason for living.

Thank you all for your sympathy and encouragements... I sometimes get lost in feeling like I’m just being mellow dramatic, and it’s helpful to be reminded that I’m not the only one and my feelings are not invalid. You guys are amazing.

I’ve spent literally my entire adult life starving for my spouse’s attention/affection and never getting even close to enough of it... my confidence is emaciated and my self esteem worn thin. When my youngest was conceived, it came as a huge surprise because my husband almost never touched me and at the time I had given up even trying to initiate anything because I was so sick of being turned down. We haven’t ‘successfully’ made love since. It’s been over a year. We’ve tried a couple times, but it always just kind of ends unceremoniously a couple minutes in and I’m fed some excuse. I’ve been dining on excuses for years, constantly trying to ‘save’ my marriage and make this work.

I tell myself “it’s not you, it’s him” but I still feel like it’s me... like there’s something wrong with me and I’m just not worthy of being loved or wanted the way I wish I was. Like I could never be enough for someone. I’m 1/3 of the way through my life and I feel old and frail and jaded; I feel like a broken toy.