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1 of 1- Cali916
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Time to vent
This is my first post on here and I sit here writing this so sad and not even with a specific question I guess, just support from others maybe going through the same. My husband and I met when we were only 14. We moved in together at 18 years old, married at 20 and now have been married almost 17 years. We have 3 children and run two businesses together. I knew of a bisexuality throughout our marriage by finding gay porn here and there but we were so happy and I felt his love for me and our sex life was good. Another guy came into our life two years ago who is gay. We all became great friends but over the past year or so I could tell my husband was becoming obsessed with this guy. He unfortunately was diagnosed with a disease 8 months ago that caused a ton of stress, depression and also erectile dysfunction. Since then our marriage declined and the happiness with the other guy increased. I mentioned it to him how i felt but he always denied anything happening. Long story short my husband did tell me a month ago he is bisexual and now the other guy and my husband have both admitted they have feelings for eachother. We separated the day after he admitted having feelings for him. We say it could be temporary and he doesn't know how he truly feels since they haven't done anything. By that I mean kissing or sex or anything. He definitely didn't cheat on me and I do believe that. So right now we are stuck in this seperation. I've given him permission to "explore" with this other guy and I told the guy I am ok with it too. I was also very close friends with this other guy. I just can't believe this is all happening. I miss who my husband was so so badly but I know I can't get the old him back. Am I supposed to wait for him to explore but then what, there will always be suspicions and our marriage can never be the same now. Any imput would be so appreciated.
- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Time to vent
Cali,
I’m so sorry this is happening to you... a couple of quick questions: Who’s idea was the separation? Did YOU decide you needed space and want to separate while he figures things out, or did HE want to separate so he could “explore” (in other words, he wanted to cheat without feeling guilty)? And the most importantly, if after he’s had his fling with the other man he decides he wants to come home and be with you, will you still want him too?
This is a betrayal, plain and simple. Reword your story to yourself, but as if the third party was another woman instead of a man. How would you feel then? You don’t HAVE to be okay with this just because he’s bi. Being bi doesn’t excuse infidelity, and infidelity is a very tough thing to get past. (I consider splitting up temporarily to be with someone else infidelity, I don’t believe in loop holes.)
Take time to think, as much time as you need. But do not take him back unless you are sure it’s what YOU want to do. This is a decision only you can make, don’t let anyone (including him) make it for you.
Last edited by HopelessRomantic (April 23, 2022 8:49 pm)
- Cali916
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Re: Time to vent
Thank you for your reply. I do agree if it were a woman it would be 100% different. My emotions are just all over the place. We've had so many emotional conversations hours and hours long and the seperation was an idea we came up with together. I'm just so in love with him still I think that's why I'm giving into him exploring but it makes me sick to my stomach. We had this beautiful life we built with our three children and it's all coming to an end.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Time to vent
Hi Cali... I'm so glad you've found the forum and have reached out for support.
If I had been okay with my partner of 32 years exploring, after he asked for my okay to have "one day a month" to do so...if I had said "sure I'm okay with it... Go explore, I'll be fine"
..if I had said "I'm okay with not being enough for you and you going off and possibly fucking another man, maybe falling in love"... I reckon after a while I would have admitted to myself I no longer belonged with him. And that would have been the best outcome for both of us. Things will never be the same between my partner and I but I'm still with him.
Separating from your husband was a good decision. You've left your husband to 'find who he really is?'... He probably loves you for that but things between you will never be the same again.
Surround yourself with people, friends and family who care. Let yourself grieve. This is a long road but there will always be somebody here to catch you when you fall
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Virion
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Re: Time to vent
This is a betrayal, plain and simple. Reword your story to yourself, but as if the third party was another woman instead of a man. How would you feel then? You don’t HAVE to be okay with this just because he’s bi. Being bi doesn’t excuse infidelity, and infidelity is a very tough thing to get past. (I consider splitting up temporarily to be with someone else infidelity, I don’t believe in loop holes.) HOPELESS ROMANTIC
So well said , completely spot on- Hopeless , Cali please stay out and dont get sucked in, you are so young and have a whole life ahead of you where there will be a heterosexual man in your life where you wont have to be thinking is he looking at men?? ( I have been there honey), you are dodging a major bullet there , Stay strong, his treatment of you is appalling, Please read Chumplady Blog
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