... and I feel nothing. My two adult sons came in for brunch then we caught a train out to where their car was parked. They went home and I'm catching the train back into the city. To fill my day.
I feel dead inside. Without my sons I think I would just have stayed in bed.

I am empty.

Anon 765 wrote:

. ....Elle, how long did it take for you to get to cordial?  He's there; I'm not. I still have a trauma response when I hear from him that, I think, is due to the Mindfuck and the fact that I don't think I will ever be heard and understood by him. I am working on getting to the point where my story doesn't need validation from him in order to be true....Anon 765

 
As soon as I had decided (and to me it was a monumental decision) to no longer be intimate and then later to file for separation I don't think we've ever been not cordial. Before that we had moments of anger, frustration, tears but I learned all that was to the detriment of my mental health so made myself not react to all the triggers that told me my r'ship was over.
When you turn the switch in your head and heart, when you draw a line in the sand that you know you can never cross, never step back over it becomes easier to be calm and cordial.
A was....is ..a very reserved man with a practical side who accepts he has a responsibility, even now, to not be an arsehole. And I never wanted to be the screaming, broken banshee of a partner who justified any negative he might throw my way.

Elle

Anon33 wrote:

.....She seems scared to come out to her family, but she wants to tell everyone we’ve just grown apart. I absolutely don’t want to force her to come out, but I also just feel like I’m living a lie now.......

 

Whatever you do....do not let her confusion about her sexuality drive the inevitable split between you both. Because if you do you will never be able to tell the truth about your.....your....r'ship.

She's caught you on the backfoot and will use your confusion to keep you as her secret-keeper

We're here to help you through this 33

Elle
 

lookingforanswers123 wrote:

I’m 38

 

When I was 38 I didn't know anything about straightspouses....or gaslighting....I had no concerns about my r'ship, my life. It was perfectly happy and normal. It wasn't until I was 47/48 that he mentioned one day...."look at what I found on the internet. A website where couples can meet others couples sexually" I was in love, I would have done anything for him. And at first, because I thought it was for us, it was exciting. We met some good people and some not so good people but yeah....high libido, fun times. 
Then gradually it wasn't us all the time, he'd go off on his own. He even found a woman who was okay with anal sex, who he saw regularly. 
Long story short...my self-esteem got so low and my concerns for my r'ship made me agonise over it that when he sent me an email that said he "might even one day fuck a man" ....well that was the eye-opening moment that I knew deep down my life had to change. 
I'm now 66. We are legally separated. He knows why. Most of my family know why. 
Life was a bit (sometimes a lot) harder after I found the courage, the strength to change my whole world. But I'd rather have a half-full life than propping up a man's hidden bisexuality in a full one.

E
 

MarieSmith wrote:

.  Elle - your description of the storm in this thread really clicked with me this morning, it rings true to my experience.

My 'storm' analogy comes from an except a boarder posted...from a book I think ..
 The boarder was Roo and this is the quote
I think it's all about our strength.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~

Elle