OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 | Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » September 23, 2024 5:13 pm |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 2488
-
Malex wrote:Why do they shave or trim their bodies so much? My ex suddenly started shaving everything! From down there to his legs?
Shaving isn't necessarily a gay thing. Some straight guys do it for the ladies but the reason why a guy would do it is because they think their partner(male or female) likes it or because they think it makes them more attractive to whomever they want for a partner.
| Is He/She Gay » Is he straight or bi???? » August 2, 2024 12:09 am |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 1
-
Sometimes gay/bi men do date only women for their own reasons. I can tell you this much the porn use (male only), and your sex life(robotic) match what tends to go with gay.
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » June 19, 2024 1:35 am |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 2488
-
Sean01 wrote:
Thank you everyone for writing. Canary2 I've looked back at our first exchanges and, if I remember correctly, you dated a closeted friend/co-worker (described above) who divorced the mother of his child, actively hid his sexuality from you, and appeared to seek out female partners as "beards." Please confirm if this is correct.
…
Based on the most recent comments, there appear to be several categories of closeted men, namely:
Category 1: Young men who identify as straight when they date/marry. They date only women and plan to marry "for life." Pre-marriage most have never done anything sexual with another man...other than secretly watch gay porn perhaps. They generally want to be good husbands and fathers, but deep down feel an attraction to men. But they convince themselves they'd never "act on it." These men most often have sex with other men after years of marital monogamy; normally around mid-life crisis time (age 40).
Category 2: Young men who have pre-marital gay sex and/or date men, but hide it from themselves or downplay it as a "college thing." Some also claim they were "sexually assaulted" to their future wives because they can't accept they actively sought out sex with men. They marry women hoping this will "cure" them; often because their families or church communities have convinced them marriage to a woman is the solution to their "same-sex attraction." These men have sporadic sex with men before and during their marriages. They essentially "split" their lives: living by day as a straight husband/father but then cheating on frequent business trips. Once caught, many of these men identify as bisexual.
Category 3: Openly gay men demonstrating personality disorders who actively seek out women as "beards." Many are divorced (from women) or already have long-term boyfriends. When challenged about their sexual orientation, some emotionally abuse future female partners. They actively pursue kind and unsuspecting
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » June 19, 2024 1:24 am |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 2488
-
Canary2 wrote:
Different I guess and Sean,
I appreciate your stories and they do help me to empathize with this situation a little bit better. I do understand how it must have been terrifying to grow up in the 80s, and I can easily see the other side to this. But my story, I still have a hard time relating this much empathy towards.
I also began to realize that if he ever questioned giving up his “compartmentalization”, it was for a brief second. And only because as he hit his 50s he simply was not able to maintain his bullshit anymore.Oh, he had a choice, but it was a choice he likely wouldn’t have taken. With some guys it does not matter how accepting everything and everyone else is. They just don’t want to have an public relationship with a guy. Basically, he might have wanted you for company (not be lonely) and for social reasons. However, being open, honest, and willing to take a guy out on a date in public is another matter. Their public persona of not gay is more important than everything else including your sanity and even reality. I know it sounds strange but in some ways it is easier to arrange a roll in the hay than to talk oneself into being seen in public with a gay person. Sadly, he isn’t the only guy like that.
Anyway, it isn’t surprising that the other guy would also be married. Another married guy would be less likely to out him than out gay guy so that would be a more “ideal” partner for a likewise closed man.
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » June 16, 2024 12:25 am |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 2488
-
I was debating answering this question and I am not sure if I can give you a good answer. I can’t answer Sean, but I can tell you that choosing the Bachelor route isn’t as easy as it looks. Lucky for me the internet was in its early days, and I could connect with the gay community using and find information using it. HIV was still a major concern, but the first treatments were available as well as knowledge about safe sex.
…
I had never considered having a relationship with a guy or being single were options for me. My plan in life was to find a woman and marry. For me it was just some unwanted and scarry same sex attractions that I hoped to grow out of. For me it was mostly physical (i.e. wanting to do something vaguely sexual or at least some heavy cuddling) and frustrating (something I could never tell the other guy or act on despite my unwanted wishes).
They were emotions that happened that I didn’t want to happen and lonely (I couldn’t tell anyone about it).
Sure, I had had some homoerotic dreams and really liked movies with half naked men (or guys my age) and beside my really liking this one scene in a heterosexual porn movie with a guy was just about nakedness. Who cares if the lesbian scene bored me, or all the women did nothing for me. Not to mention the men’s underwear pics in the catalogues and sales papers….
To give you how out of touch my logical side was with the more emotional sides\, I can remember starting High School climbing the stairs think about all the girls I would date turning a conner when I first saw the class stud…… Ugh!
Anyway, later in college still attracted almost exclusively to men came the events that forced me to deal with the fact that those same sex attractions didn’t go away, and they were more than just some very strong unwanted thoughts. I had recently ended a relationship with a wonderful girl as she went away to college. I hoped we might get together later but I also figured that it was not
| Is He/She Gay » Hi Diff » June 7, 2024 1:44 am |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 18
-
lily wrote:
It was all about having a great closet for him - that is what he loves. He wants the girl on his arm to show off with. He wants to have sex with men, but then he dumps them when they form a romantic attachment with him - he loves his closet more.
Some guys are like that. Romantic attachments mean being out in public with the person and that is a lot scarier than just a roll in the hay.
Same thing of sexual performance dwindling away to just not possible by his 40's.So, the timing is the same as it is for having a family. I think this is how come they are able to have sex with a woman, regardless of whether they actually want to have children or not, they are physically capable.
Could be but some guys who want a family stop as soon as the kid or kids are born.
Diff, I only know of it as mothers pretending it is the father who is gay, not them. But when I thought about it it just seemed likely it would be a common thing. The interesting thing is that knowing the truth of their parentage is so much more comfortable for the child. More stable and happy making if you know what I mean.
Yes. I can see that. A kid would be pretty confused by that.
Thinking about it yesterday, I agree about the farm life and familiarity thing - but I'm wondering if the key to farmer Joe's decision isn't that she has managed to garner his loyalty so that he ignores the realities of communication issues and lack of feelings v attraction and feelings for the other girl in favour of following his heart.
Could be. In addition straight guys usually don't know what they are getting into when it comes to lesbians. i.e. If she is a lesbian there is more than just a communication issue. That plus I figure he is probably attracted to her and she was willing to date him therefore it is just a matter of working through the rest, (From his point of view). From yours it would be more like time to get the heck out
…
| Is He/She Gay » Hi Diff » June 7, 2024 1:16 am |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 18
-
MJM017 wrote:
The farmer's main goal in a marriage partner was one who would benefit his livelihood. Marriage being an economic partnership without romance involved is the norm in many cultures.
It is a consideration in the U.S. as well.
A few ex wives of GID men who posted here have had the same experience of husbands unilaterally deciding to self-retire at a young age.
That is something I can't help with. I know there are a few younger men looking for older guys to support them(the gay version of a gold digger) but I don't think any of them would have targeted a woman. I think that was just exploiting your kind nature.
I have a question, if you don't mind, Diff.
I was wondering what your thoughts were about why some gay men are attracted to mtf? My late GID ex-husband liked those who someone could readily tell was a man 50 feet away from them but was wearing a dress and a female wig. I've heard it might be a way to fulfill gay sexual desire while pretending you're still with a woman. That doesn't make sense as my ex wasn't a self loathing gay. He was shameless.MTF I don't go for so don't have the emotions for it. For me the less you look like a guy the lower the probability of me going for it. I have talked to a few guys into it but the turn on for them is that a MTF despite being dressed like a woman is actually a guy. Does not make sense to me.
In the gay friendly city where I still live, I see mtf, ftm and many SSA hand in hand couples so it's not something to hide or feel shame about. My late ex also wanted to wear makeup, color his hair and get manicures.
I know it is weird but some guys are like that and even more interesting is the fact that they might also seek a guy who wears make up and so on. Also for some guys it does not matter how acceptable it is to be openly gay they just don't want to do it. Another factor might have been the fact that this guy just sounds like a plain older user and
…
| Is He/She Gay » Hi Diff » June 5, 2024 1:24 am |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 18
-
lily wrote:
yes, see, there's no deviation to south for a straight, it's just north all the way. There is nothing in us to say no to it, our entire being is aligned with the orientation.
My instinctive take is that it is the same for a gay person in terms of orientation - South all the way but then there's a whole lot of their being that is aligned to North.Yeah. What you think you want intellectually (wife, kid, white picket fence) is out of line with who you want to be sexual with, be affectionate with, easily fall in love with. And so there is going to be some trouble.
I bet it's confusing. Particularly where the gay parent is in the closet which is so often the case. And then when the questions start, pretending it's the other parent that is gay.
Never heard of this but wouldn't surprise me. Sometimes the gay guy blames the wife for the fact that they were unable to quince\fix the gay. Sometimes they expect marriage will make them straight or at least not so drawn to men. Or they think they can keep the lid on the attraction to men. Finally they don't want to take the blame for what went wrong here. They also might not want to come out to the kids and therefore it is her fault not his.....
So Diff, I have another question - have you noticed how so many nice straight women marry gay in denial and the same for the nice straight men, they marry lesbians in denial. I saw a dating show on the telly and when Farmer Joe got down to two women and he had to make his choice, he picked the lesbian. The weird thing was she physically looked right on his arm. What he thought was going to happen with the 'communication issues' I don't know. Why he rejected the one he has all the feelings for, I don't know. There was a sense that he was trying to do the right thing. He said he had to follow his heart. But there he is saying it's the other woman he has a strong physical attraction with and it's like he's not hearing hims
…
| Is He/She Gay » Hi Diff » June 2, 2024 12:59 am |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 18
-
lily wrote:
Hi Diff, thanks for your reply. It's interesting and I do accept everything you say. If you don't mind though, I will go through it putting my spin on things -
boyfriend A: look at my porn collection of women, don't you dare think I'm gay just because I'm f*cking you.He wasn't at all homophobic or even a tough guy. Just a bad boy who is a bit mischievous and risk taking. He didn't care all all what I though about him and wanted to show me off to his friends. I at the time was closeted and so that kind of tripped my limits. Along with not that much attraction to me and from the porn collection men in general. I have seen some MF porn with gay men but they like it because the guy looks masculine. Never saw the parade of women with gay guys.
boyfriend B: nicer than A but a classic gay in denial - I am going to have the wife and family and I want a boyfriend on the side.
That indeed was possible. He was a bit homophobic.
boyfriend C: looks like he will go to any lengths to convince you he's not gay.
Nope, more like would do anything that wouldn't fight back too much. He didn't care about being straight.
Now in my travels I have meet a few closeted husbands(never seduced one--they were looking to cheat or it was a social situation ) or ex-husbands but they were doing things to get guys and guys only. Most of the ones I meet never claimed to be BI and they just were bad choices for other reasons.I do think there are plenty of people whose ideal lifestyle is to be married with children and a steady same sex romance on the side. It's a bit like the husband who has his perfect wife and a mistress on the side that he can enact his sexual fantasies with - everyone is getting short-changed.
This is true. Some guys do want the wife and kid for normalcy but they also want the same sex partner for both sexual and sometimes even emotional intimacy. Others try to ignore the same sex at
…
| Is He/She Gay » Hi Diff » May 29, 2024 1:27 am |
- Diff I guess
- Replies: 18
-
lily wrote:
I am interested in the subject of bisexuality. You say it's very rare. But I think it might be impossible in terms of the way we're built - sexual attraction - it just seems so basic and stable. I can't imagine it happening both ways - wouldn't it be like having another pair of eyes in the back of your head? I don't think anyone has been born like that.
Clearly there are plenty of people who have os mating behaviours that override their ssa. My ex being one of them.
And I can imagine someone wanting to have sex for the sex with both men and women because it's irrespective of who they are.
But after reading your last post I am wondering if are you saying you've had an affectionate sexual bond with someone who is literally attracted both directions? hope you don't mind me asking.Yes. I have meet about three guys who I had a sexual bond with who claimed to be bi. One of them was a bisexual bad boy. He wasn't that attracted to me and he showed me his porn collection. It was almost all women. In his case I think he would not be very likely to cheat with a guy. There just didn't seem to be much homosexual attraction there. It was more he did a guy because he could.
…
The second I couldn't tell if he was a homophobic gay guy or a bi guy, He claimed to be bi. He was affectionate and a great kisser but he wanted to have a permeant guy to the side. He claimed he liked sex with women and wanted a wife or girlfriend but still need a guy.
The last was a married guy(didn't know at the time) and shall we say having the other guy watch and like straight porn while in bed with a guy can be very weird(What does he see in her?).
I think sexual attraction is built in and probably pretty stable, but it isn't tuned the same way in everyone. Most gay guys have some attraction to women just not strong or often. I personally have some attraction but no where near as often or as intense as with a guy. Basically if you doubled the attraction