Hi mm3, just to second oohc - talking about happened to you, telling your story is not outing him.  

The deal I did with my ex is that I would not talk with his friends or go on Facebook and other than that I have talked freely.  Our families live far apart so that was pretty successful for him and also for me.

This was agreed privately by us and not put into writing, I mean it was almost non verbal but once done he agreed to go ahead with the divorce.

Hi Mel,

Sorry to hear your story.  I have to admit my thoughts are that you need to brace yourself and consider if he has been 'trickle truthing' right from the start.

Much as I feel sympathy for a person being stuck with such a difficult sexuality, I don't think you can look to him for the care and consideration you need from him.  

I think it is an unfolding scenario - at the moment he is like a teenager trying on clothes and flirting with his image in the mirror and around the corner he will want to attract a man with his feminine appeal.

Read Out Of His Closet's story, she posted here a lot at one time and did a lot of research into the topic.

At one stage he was declaring he wanted to have a lesbian relationship with her but what that entailed was for her to be the dominant one.  

Jupiter, you are doing very well.  Unfortunately things are likely to get worse not better for a little while as you navigate the divorce process.

My ex had been preparing for the possibility of divorce for years before I even knew he was gay in denial.  And then I discovered that he wasn't the nice guy he presented himself as.

My lawyer told me what the court would award and we agreed on that.  

I got some good advice from a friend who told me that the family court is full of couples going bankrupt fighting over their divorce and at the end of the day the judge is still going to award the same split as they would have anyway.

So I would say this to him periodically when he was being difficult, fortunately it made sense to him too.

I don't know quite how to put this in words but it is becoming clear to me that when a straight is caught in a long term marriage they have survived for years in this environment and part of how we do this is in a unique to ourselves way we build ivory towers where we are safe from all the lies, gaslighting, illogics and deception.

I wasn't really aware of it, from my perspective I had retired into my studio and finally realised that I had gone from the hoping he would come and visit of the early days to hoping he would stay away and really wanting him to leave if he did come.

So a sort of protective mechanism.  Like a citrus tree with a gall wasp - grows extra bark around the wasp nest to keep it out from where the sap is running.

Now, in order to get through the process of divorce you have to interact with him.  Not fun.  Incredibly stressful.  By the time I achieved a divorce I felt like I was being carried out of there on a stretcher.  I still think of my lawyer with so much gratitude, she knew just how to help me through.  So no advice, just my sympathy and a light at the end of the tunnel - once it is over you are free of him.

There's no second take on a divorce, you live with the consequences, so my encouragement

Having said the criteria is 25 couples being interviewed to make a grounded study she has 12 interviews and then she uses 10 of those.  All of them are gay husbands from the same church - which did have the advantage that they were singing from the same song sheet.

All of them said they were monogamous, all of them said they couldn't do the MOM if they couldn't have their regular get togethers with their men friends. 

They are saying they've been able to develop a better intimacy with their wife, one mentioning a celestial love without saying what it is they are doing.

It seems to me their church is actively supporting the idea that you should be able to stay in a MOM as much as if it is a straight marriage.

I felt sorry for the straight wives in particular but ended up feeling sorry for everybody.
 

my observation of MOMs is that the only time you get a level playing field is when they are both gay in denial/bisexual.  

It's so different when there's a straight involved.

I think the thing is I trusted him.  So I didn't see him.  It was a whole second shock after oh he's been denying he's gay to see the way he was treating me.

It's ten years living in my own home now.   It can be physically tough and emotionally tough at times but it is comforting for my soul.