Hi isthisreallife,

I've read the responses on both of your threads.  All are good, true responses.  I may have missed this in the previous responses (forgive me if someone has already said this) but: take the gay out of it for a minute and state the other facts.  You're 8 months in to a relationship and you have a man who is up partying all night and living 2-4 months a year in Thailand???  eww. Thailand?   no.  Just no.  Let him go and thank your lucky stars you found out about all this now.  In a year you'll look back and wonder how you ever considered trying to work this out. 

You don't owe this person or this relationship anything.  He will suck the life out of you if you let him. Do not get stuck on trying to figure out if he's gay.  It doesn't matter.  and he will never admit it.  Whatever he is, he's not for me....  Keep repeating that to yourself until you believe it.   Hang in there.

HI Mari -

I know what you're saying about wondering what it was that attracted a gay in denial man to you.  I used to think there was maybe a pattern, a rhyme, or a reason.  I no longer think there is.  Please don't blame anything about this on yourself.  Different people all like different body types, shapes, hair colors, looks, etc.    I'm skinny as a rail and I'd consider myself not a bad looking person and yet I was in a 10 year marriage with my GID ex.  And I'd almost swear to you right now I'm dating (and about to break up with) another man who is also GID.  I think the problem isn't with us, the problem is that there are many more of them than we realize.  I agree that in this day and age there is no reason to be dealing with this. 

I know it's much easier said than done but don't let this get you down.  If you can get through this you will be better, stronger, and wiser than before.  You can use this experience to look for red flags in the future.  The first huge one is lack of sex, especially early on. 

Hi Southerndad - so glad you found us.

Do you know what sticks out to me, out of all those sentences you wrote?  One main thing:  "She gets upset and hurt that I’m not as excited for her and this new chapter of her life. She says that I need to see that she sacrificed so much of herself for us".

That right there is manipulation at it's finest.  Mainly the second sentence.  She lied, she manipulated, she's leaving you...but she's upset with you because you can't see how much she has done for you.  How much SHE has done for you by forcing herself to lie to you all these years. 

One common thread you'll notice on this site is that many of the gay in denial spouses will use tactics like this to make you question yourself.  Well, maybe she's right?  Maybe I didn't do all I could.  Maybe I should try harder.  Maybe if I'm nicer, funnier, more intelligent, more in shape.....all crap.  There is nothing you could have done.  Write down those words that she said to you and any time you start to feel yourself question letting her come back you need to read those words. "She says that I need to see that she sacrificed so much of herself for us".  And you need to think to yourself: would any sane person tell this to another human being as they are walking out of their husband and child's life?  It would be one thing if she were talking about a true sacrifice.  But she's talking about the sacrifice of lying to you for 'your' benefit all these years and how hard it was for her.  She's delusional.  For most of the women here, we find that it's that the husbands will be exceptionally good at making us believe we didn't see things.  And once time passes it's so easy to question: did I really see that website with naked men on my computer?  No, that couldn't have been right.  With the men on this site it's usually more along the lines of what you're seeing.  Either way - just like I tell the women to take screen shots of all the pictures they find so they don

Cindys,  I'm so sorry you're here.  You list mirrored mine almost point for point.  So I'll give you my experience in asking him to tell the truth....

Writing a letter gives him a chance to react (silently by himself) and then formulate a response.  You don't want that.  You want to see his reaction and to watch him formulate his response right in front of you.  You are correct - never display your hand.  You hold the cards right now. He doesn't need to know what you know.  And the sad thing is that (at least my in experience) they never tell the truth.  You'll get admissions to only the tip of the iceberg based on what you've found.  Then, next time you find something else you'll get another half assed admission.  Mine stated the same way.  1. it was just a pop up on the internet  2. I was just curious ever since that pop up  3. the dildos were for you (even though we didn't use those)  4. the red g-string underwear were bought because I thought you'd like them (gross).  On and on and on. 

Finally, after I realized he would never tell the truth I was able to drop it and just move on, though it took a while.  There were even times where I sat him down and said: ok, I've found yet another thing you've hidden so before I tell you what that is, is there anything else you want to tell me???  Nope, nothing.  He wouldn't speak until he knew my hand.  He denied.  He still denies today after being divorced 5 years.

Good luck in your journey.  It sounds like you have a good handle on your feelings about the whole situation and that's half the battle.  We're here if you need to vent and ask further questions!

Kel - just saw your response after I typed mine.  lol  Hell, I wouldn't even write best wishes!!!