Ooof.  I'm so sorry findingmyvoice.  Just wanted to provide a few observations, but glad you had the courage to post here.  That's a massive step forward.

findingmyvoice wrote:

It has now evolved to him needing to be seen and understood as a submissive and feminine person. I am supportive and want to relate to him how he truly feels (he uses he/him/they/them pronouns), but my problem is that he's upset that I'm not sexually attracted to his sexuality.

He radically changed a critical foundational understanding in your relationship -- you thought he was attracted to you, and now he's telling you he needs a man.  That's his problem, not yours.  It's like him wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey underneath a Chicago Bears jersey.  He walks into a bar of Chicago Bears fans, rips of the Bears jersey, and receives a negative response from the Bears fans who see his new Green Bay Packers jersey.  What the hell was he expecting when he ripped off the jersey, and what the hell was he expecting when he told you that he plays for a different team (i.e., the "I'm not really attracted to women" team)?

findingmyvoice wrote:

He acts like it's a choice. He acts like it turns me on and I'm choosing to suppress that part of myself, or like I'm just refusing to engage with it at all. I've spent years of our marriage trying to engage with him sexually in the ways that he wants, to interact with him on a daily basis in a more dominant role. It just doesn't come naturally to me, and I don't particularly enjoy it. But even when I'm enjoying him and making him feel good, that's not enough. He wants me to enjoy those sexual interactions for my own sake, he wants me to need it as badly as he does. And frankly I just don't.

Total blameshifting, and shame on him.  Many of us Straight Partners have to go through this nonsense.  He knew you were a straight woman, so how can he be upset with you for not wanting what you want?  How is it your fault that you don't want to b

Hi Munchkin:  Let me give you a one-word piece of advice:  RUN.

He's gay, dishonest, and sounds borderline abusive.  My guess is that you aren't looking for a long-term partner like this, much less a husband.

Totally sucks. Usually, they are years ahead of us in terms of “moving on”.  They checked out of the marriages years before we knew what was going on … and often, it’s not even clear whether they were even checked in to our marriages in the first place.

Your monkey is now part of someone else’s circus. Healing for you will come in time, and you and the kids will be far better off.

Don't feel stupid -- all of us have been there.

Just remember that it's better for kids to be from a broken home than to remain in one.  You need to move forward from this awful relationship so you can devote your energy toward yourself and your kids rather than a gay husband you are incapable of keeping happy and is incapable of keeping you happy.

Maybe you're having trouble filing because you'll feel like the divorce is your fault if you file.  Maybe you're having trouble filing because when you said your wedding vows, you meant them.  However, you were duped by a talented con man.  The only way forward is to break away.

Good luck.  You've got this!

 

" I had envisioned this amazing future together eventually as husband and wife."  Unfortunately, he's taken that off the table.

He's changed the foundational rules of your relationship (i.e., you thought you were with a man rather than a woman), and you have no obligation to provide support to him for the rest of his life.  He's been through a rough road, but that doesn't mean you have to accept spending the rest of your life with a woman and force yourself to grin and bear this reality.

My suggestion?  Start planning an exit because you matter, too.