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Support » Wife came out yesterday » March 7, 2024 5:29 pm

Daryl
Replies: 18

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Type away. Many of us find it helps us figure things out. It's also a good reminder of things if you read it later.

 

Support » Wife came out yesterday » March 6, 2024 5:59 pm

Daryl
Replies: 18

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Probably not what you were hoping for, but you know where you stand. There will still be some difficult days, especially once she decides to get out there. Some even see their former spouse enter into a new adolescence, blind to adult responsibilities and decision making. Don't neglect yourself and cultivate your new life. Emotionally detaching yourself from her new life will be important for your mental health. It's not an ending, something new is beginning for you.

Support » Forgiveness » March 6, 2024 5:51 pm

Daryl
Replies: 13

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Forgiveness is something you offer to yourself so that you can move on. It does not excuse or absolve the other person of any responsibility for actions they took. My 2 cents.
 

Support » Wife came out yesterday » March 3, 2024 8:25 pm

Daryl
Replies: 18

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I was never in an open marriage but "coming months" sounds like a fast moving schedule. This is a very big step to take and I don't think it should be rushed. It's been one day since you found out. Most likely you are still in shock. In my personal opinion, I think both of you need time to process and think about what your paths are before you start walking it. Professional support is great, if you can get it. Both of you matter. Others here may have some advice. Post as often as you need to. We all know what a shock to the system this type of disclosure is.

Support » Distancing » February 13, 2024 7:47 pm

Daryl
Replies: 8

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You have kids, so you have to co-parent on that. I think distancing is about the other person being an adult and self-reliant. Financial - well there's child support. If there's spousal support on the table, let a lawyer figure out what is fair to both of you. Emotional support ? I'm not saying you should be cruel but it is unfair for her to reject you as a partner but expect you to support her as she goes out and lives her best lesbian life. Making you watch that happen in detail is not right. Logistically ? I'm not sure what that means, but be fair to yourself and your own well-being. Distancing is not needing to share the personal details of life, jobs, relationships. etc. Figure out what the ground rules are for the summer. I can almost guarantee you she will want to be out dating within a month or so. As she builds this new circle of friends and relations, you may find yourself shut out. Build YOUR circle and be well.
 

General Discussion » Gay and a narcissist? » February 4, 2024 9:22 pm

Daryl
Replies: 5

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I don't know about peer-reviewed research, but it does seem that quite a few of us have/had spouses with narcissistic behaviour, especially in the men. Here's a link to a basic description of the condition. If you are in this situation, you may spot some familiar behaviours and tactics. Take the 'what to do' advice with caution. First get the knowledge, then consider what you might do. Be well.
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/narcissism-symptoms-signs

Support » my story so far » February 1, 2024 9:10 pm

Daryl
Replies: 38

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Sometimes I am amazed at the expectations some of our partners have or had. Do not let her manipulate you into thinking that she is the victim. As much as possible, try going no contact, except for parenting things. If she tries to change the topic - cut and run. If she is a narcissist, the common tactic is to regain control. When rebuked, or control is not offered, anger can ensue. Eventually they may move on to new targets.

Good luck, try to "grey rock" the situation as best you can. Find healthy ways to vent.
 

Support » Will it work in the longterm? » January 21, 2024 8:46 pm

Daryl
Replies: 14

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Childbirth is a door to a new phase in life. For the closeted spouse, it can also be a good excuse for infrequent intimacy. A way to avoid doing anything as a couple. For some, it also signals the slipping sands of time and increases the internal desire to experience "other things". Children can bring connection but also inadvertently act like a chain, keeping someone in an unhealthy relationship because they (understandably) do not want to be away from their kids, even in a shared custody agreement.

Honeymoons can be great and make you feel everything will be alright. Personally, I think I'd hold off a bit until reality sets in. None of us know the future. Keep your senses tuned for any signs of hesitation, or hiding in how you interact together.

Possibly not the answer you want. Much of society tries to convince us that love conquers all, I believe the truth is that marriages require hard work by both partners.
 

Support » Transitioning soon to be Ex-husband » January 21, 2024 10:14 am

Daryl
Replies: 17

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You can still be an ally, in a larger sense. You do not have to remain in a relationship that forces your core orientation into hiding. One user here had a great signature line - "You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." You are also entitled to support. Sounds like it would be better to not share the details with him.

Support » Now that the holidays are over…how to disclose news to family? » December 31, 2023 11:49 pm

Daryl
Replies: 2

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My thoughts are that both of you should be there for both sets of discussions. This makes it obvious that it's a mutually agreed decision. No one is the victim, no one is particularly at fault. As for your in-laws, unless you have kids, I'm not sure why you would have much future contact with them, unless you are present with your ex for some reason. I would hope that knowing that you tried, but want to do what is best for both of you, would be enough solace in what might be a bit of a shocker to them.
 

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