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1 - kands1214
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Feel Like everything is out of control
I never thought I would be here in this situation. My (40m) wife (34f) met in college. We were friends for about a year before she pursued me and we began dating. We moved in together a year later and five years later got married. We have now been together 14 years and married for 8. We always had a great relationship, we have been each others best friends and we have always talked out our problems. We have never even had a real fight. Beginning this summer we started trying to have children and in July she thought she was pregnant. She was several weeks late but after an ultrasound it was confirmed that she was not pregnant. She was devastated she spent two days in bed crying. After several more months of trying she comes to me at the end of September and says she doesn't want to have children anymore and that we would talk more about it later. This was a completed 180 since she had always wanted children. Then on Columbus Day I was off from work while she was working and her computer, which is tied to her phone, was dinging so I opened it to turn it off. When I opened the laptop a conversation popped up between her and a female coworker. The conversation was not explicit but it sounded as if they were having and affair and even worse that they were in love. I texted her and asked her to come home so we could talk. We she came home I directly asked her if she was having an affair. She denied any affair but stated that there was a "connection." We talked some more when she told me that she doesn't know if I'm enough for her anymore. the next day I tried to talk with her and she said that I was pushing her and that she needed time and space to process how she feels. After a couple days she went to visit her parents and we had almost no contact. After she came back she told me that she still wasn't ready to talk. After another week I was able to get her to tell me what the root problem is. She does not know if she ever wants to be with a man again. I have told her that I am committed to staying with her and want to work through this. She still says she needs time and space to process this and that she wants to talk to a counselor. I have been to a counselor myself. At this point it has been nearly a month that I have been in limbo waiting for her to talk to me and I am heartbroken. I feel like my whole world is ending.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feel Like everything is out of control
This is one of the best places for you to be. You're amongst people who have had this Mindfuck happen to what they thought was a r'ship that would last forever.
While you are in turmoil your wife is obviously able to process what's happening because her 'direction and focus' is on herself. It's "out of control" because your wife is driving this and you'll have to let your emotions catch up.
You need to dive into this forum and read, ask questions, then read more.
The understanding of what you're going through is here, on this forum..
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Daryl
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Re: Feel Like everything is out of control
Go easy on yourself. Most of us never saw this coming. Then, in hindsight, we notice subtle clues. But, in all honesty, we're not supposed to spend the years wondering if our partners are less than 100% on board and upfront with us. Take time for yourself. Counseling can be good. Think about your future, both possible futures. Whatever happens, there is life on the other side.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Anon2222
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Re: Feel Like everything is out of control
Welcome to a safe space to share the emotional roller coaster you are experiencing.
The vast majority of those on this site went through this and ended up leaving the relationship. Whether you ultimately end up staying or leaving, some advice I wish I had taken at the beginning of this.
1) Focus on you. What do you want? What is important to you? What do you need in the relationship? And be honest with what is going on. As hard as it is....you have to look at her actions. Is she talking to you? Is she open to sharing? Is she treating you like an equal partner as she navigates this? Is she affording you empathy and respect, as you are doing for her?
The only way there is a chance for a MOM to work is one where there is open communication between both and each have empathy and understanding and acknowledge what the other is going through. If it is all one sided - this is not going to work.
2) Open a separate account. Be completely honest about it. She is also free to do the same. Look at the practicalities of life - since the future is questionable, you each should set things up so that you are not left in a lurch if one of you decides the relationship is over.
You will see many on this page who were blind sided and got completely screwed over in the process - myself included. You need to protect yourself.
3) Get individual counselling. But vet the therapist. You need a therapist that is going to focus on only you. And helping you figure out what you want/need and help you understand any abusive behavior that may arise. At this point, do not do marriage counselling. You each need to figure yourselves out before anything can be decided together.
4) Self care. Self care. Self care. Take care of yourself. Take breaks. Do meditation. Try to give yourself a break the anxiety and unknown. Eat well. Keep moving. And watch for any signs of progressing anxiety or depression.
The early days are bloody hard. Unfortunately, a month is nothing. In my case it has been over 5 years and I am finally getting there.
Know you are not alone. Get all the support you can get - from here, family, friends. Build your circle.
No one can see the future. So, this entire journey is just one step at a time. And all you can do is keep walking.
- kands1214
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Re: Feel Like everything is out of control
Thanks for the responses. I am doing my best to take care of myself. Right now I am focusing on preparing myself for any outcome and waiting for her to be ready to talk. The hardest part is her personality seems to have completely changed. I don't even recognize her when I see her. I know there is a lot more to this than her having feeling for another woman, which is why I cannot bring myself to walk away.
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Thread Starter- Supernova
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Re: Feel Like everything is out of control
I'm about the same age and my soon to be ex and I have been together 14 years, married just shy of 10 years. We had two kids and shortly after she lost her 3rd she decided it was time for a life change. I completely agree experiencing someone's personality change in an instant really messes with you. How can someone change like that. If it was all an act how did they keep it up for so many years. My life feels like The Truman Show. Was it always fake to her?
I'm sorry you're going through this too.
Last edited by Supernova (November 10, 2024 3:01 pm)
- Blackie563
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Re: Feel Like everything is out of control
Great advice from all, especially Anon. Many helped me through my situation (was married for 19 years together for 23) before she disclosed an affair. I say "an" affair because I have no idea how many there were over time. Regardless, I'll only add to what has been provided and that is ensuring you know.....you will make it through this. It may take years (but maybe months like in my case), but you will get through it. You have plenty of living to do and once you come out of this stronger, life will be better than you ever imagined it could be. Hang in there.
- Anon 765
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Re: Feel Like everything is out of control
Lots of good advice already posted - just wanted to add that this is so hard, and you are going to be okay. Take care of yourself.
- kands1214
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Re: Feel Like everything is out of control
So after several more weeks of barely talking, including me telling her to take a trip alone that we had booked prior to this happening, I was able to to talk to her and still the answer to every question is "I don't know." She definitely seems confused about everything. I have mad the decision to move out to give her the space and time she claims she needs as well as give myself some space to take care of myself. I have set the date of me moving for next week after thanksgiving and I will be moving back to my hometown several hours away. I have made clear to her that I am not leaving the marriage or giving on trying to make this work but I need to get out of the house before I hit my breaking point.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feel Like everything is out of control
kands1214 wrote:
....I have made clear to her that I am not leaving the marriage or giving on trying to make this work but I need to get out of the house before I hit my breaking point.
That's a really strong (and good) decision you've made. You sound very self-aware of what this has done/is doing/will do to you and your mental health.
Kia kaha (stay strong)
Elle
KIA KAHA