Kmack, the first couple of months after my GXH came out, I cycled through every emotion known to humankind.  It's a very complicated grief, to find out your partner is different than the person you married.   The early days are hard, hard, hard.  It gets better eventually, really.  Also please remember that it's not your fault.  If therapy is an option for you, I highly recommend it.  My therapist has been an incredible blessing. 

Hello Kmack - you're in good company here.  I'm sorry you're going through this miserable experience. 

The emotional rollercoaster was definitely part of my experience - I'm a little more than a year post-disclosure.  Glad to hear you have people to support you.  Guilt over not being "supportive" is an interesting one - we're primed to cheer for people who come out and are their authentic selves, so it might not feel so great (or natural) to put yourself first.  LGBT people have a right to live their authentic lives, and we have a right to not be deceived and be sucked into living with their deception. 

Please take good care of yourself.  I benefitted not only from emotional support (including therapy) but also from doing my best to eat good food, move my body, get some sunlight, and do everything I could to wind down in the evening and sleep.  

Sending you hugs from the forum! What you're going through is a rough, rough time.  Hang in there!

 

blankcanvas, 
I'd like to address your last line, that it's "nice to not feel like the bad guy in all this..."

So many of us are supportive of friends and family members who are LGBT, so it's not uncommon for us straight spouses to feel "rainbow washed" when it comes to our partners coming out of their closet, and feel like we need to support them for being their true selves (and refrain from the honest assessment of the damage they've done to our psyche).  Sometimes that support of them at the expense of us being in touch with our own feelings, our own well being, and our own healthy self-interest.  Hopefully you can continue to consider what YOU want, and what YOU deserve in a partner. 

TBH, I'm envious that you are seeing her non-straight self now.  I was married for 23 years before I knew he was gay.  I'm hoping to find a real partner some day - and I wonder what it might have been like to have spent my younger years with someone who was into me, and someone whose repression and secrets weren't expressed in anxiety and manipulation. 

Not so much PTSD; this Christmas feels really different.  Looking back to last year, I see that I spent the first few months in a denial/bargaining phase.  When he came out, he'd pitched to me this concept of New Family, where we'd still be in each other's lives, he'd still consider my best interests, we'd be great friends.  And because I had nothing else to hang onto, I totally bought it.  Then he decamped to Boyfriend's house as soon as the kids were back in school.  I have to have a lot of compassion for Last Year's Me - she was doing her best, poor lady.  It took a long time to fully absorb how much he'd lied, cheated, and gaslit me. 
This year, I'm mostly grateful that my kids are home for the holidays, and Home means with me.  Grateful, too, that even though they're willing to spend time with him, they are equally mystified by the second adolescence.  

We started couples counseling because we'd had some parenting issues come up with our teenage son.  In working on our parenting, it soon became clear to our therapist - and I already knew - that we had couples issues as well.  He did, in fact, act like the marriage was fine, said we never fought, that everything was great. Well. The reason we never fought was that any time I brought up an issue that was important to me, he'd roll his eyes and sigh, then turn things around and launch a counterattack.  Lesson for me was that if I brought something to him, he'd flip it around and criticize me, so I learned to keep things to myself.  

In therapy, he presented a false ideal self.  He'd tell the therapist that he was always open to hearing how I felt, and absolutely he could focus on what I needed in our relationship, etc - all of which was complete garbage.  Whether he was just trying to say what he thought the therapist wanted to know, or he was intentionally manipulating the situation, I'll never know. It took me a long time to really see the discrepancy and call him out on misrepresenting himself in sessions.  

Outside of therapy, in which he was this perfect mate, he blamed me for everything. 

Apologies if I'm overstepping, but IMO it's useful to think about whether your husband has any tendencies toward narcissism, as people with narcissistic traits lack the self reflection that makes therapy work.  If I had my situation to do over, I would have started with an individual therapist - I think it would have helped me cut through his BS faster. 

Trust your gut.  My inner voice has gotten a lot louder since I'm no longer living with someone who's gaslighting me.