Ellexoh_nz wrote:

You have a lot to think about. You'll go back and forth....one day thinking everything will be fine....the next day being consumed by doubt and regret.

As long as you can see there's the possibility of a good & trusting life with a man who is bisexual-probably-gay you'll hang on to all the good you see in him and disregard all the things that hurt you or make you sad. 

E

A friend once told me that the only reason I stayed in a crap relationship was because I could not find a better man. That might have been true then (I was in my 20s), but it is not true now. If I am unhappy with a man, I know I'd rather be happy and alone, than stay. So, it really comes down to being honest about whether I am happy or not. 

To help me be sure about this, I will enlist the help of someone through this forum, and I will make an effort to get out more and just meet other men. See where that takes me. I do deserve to be loved and I know that.. (I get such a sense of deja vu, saying this), though sometimes I worry about my capacity to give a lot of time to a partner. He'd want to be a horse person or a writer, something along those lines, and someone who is very happy to be in his own space and do his own thing. Obviously it would help if he was also straight and he loved sex, because that is super important to me, I can tell you... maybe it will wane over the years, but going on what I know about myself so far, I doubt that very much. 

The main thing is, my current partner / fiancee has agreed to sort out our finances to ensure we each have a roof over our heads in the event of a break up, and that the division of assets is fair. I feel this protects both of us from potential stress and financial ruin, in the future, without necessarily saying that we want to split up. 

Right now, after 4 days of talking about things, we have reached a point where he has decided to rephrase what he said, and that he is not truly gay like he initially said. We did have

I am a straight woman, so bear that in mind when reading my answer.

Why do people lie? 

Because they don't want to hurt someone they love, is usually the answer. Another way of saying that is, they don't want to end a relationship that fulfils some of their needs. I have a fiancee who came out to me as gay, 3 days ago, but who was just bisexual for 10 years we have been together. Do I believe him when he says, he still loves me? Sure. Do I believe that he is genuine in wanting to "just fuck" other men and not form an emotional connection to one? Of course, it makes sense if it is also true that I am his soulmate, as he claims. 

Then again, I think humans struggle with big changes, indeed they hate them, and so the easiest way for a bisexual or gay / lesbian person married to a straight person, is to try having their cake and eating it, too. Like you, I was told by my loving partner, that I am free to go fuck other men. What I am more inclined to do, however, is DATE other men with a view to finding a sane, straight man to replace him. Not because I don't love him, but because I am seriously devastated and I don't want to end up killing myself!

That's how you really ought to be thinking about it, I believe.

It is entirely possible to maintain warm, loving friendships with people we were once in love with, and to that end, I always make sure to keep any animosity out of my break ups. I also take ages to get around to it, usually, because I want to give it every chance of success. Except this seems to me such a clearcut case, becoming more clear, the more I think on it. You are straight, she is not. You want her, and her alone. She wants someone else, and a little bit of you. How does this work for you two? It doesn't, if you are hurting. If you decided you did not care, and you had someone else in your life to fill the gap your wife leaves when she isn't there, maybe it'd work. That all depends on individual personalities (some people are not monogamous, which

I have been told on another part of this forum, that I have my future direction already worked out, but that is simply not true. My loving partner of 10 years, who a few short months ago proposed to me to get married, told me 3 days ago that he is gay. 

We have had sex since then, it was fun, but not as fun for me as usual, because I was gripped by this horrible feeling that "it is not the same" and "who knows when he'll want it again."

In the first 24 hours I had probably 100 thoughts of suicide, even deciding on the preferred method. I spoke to Lifeline multiple times and I sobbed my heart out. He came and held me, he was sweet and loving, but eventually he said if I continued to be miserable, he would have to leave to "protect his sanity". I understand he is feeling guilty, but the truth is I am alone on this property, working from home, rarely going anywhere, and he knows I have no support network. The gay counsellor that he has been seeing for a few months now, advised him NOT to tell me anything, because of the potential impact it would have on me, but he went ahead and did it anyway.

During sex, he agreed he might be "a little bit bi" rather than fully gay, but the next morning he was once again issuing me with warnings about how strongly he swings in the gay direction, and how I shouldn't expect regular sex, at all. 

I don't know whether anyone out there has ever been in a similar situation to mine, and made it work. Specifically, I don't know whether I should believe my partner when he says he doesn't see himself ever falling in love with a man. He says he just wants to have sex with them, and that I am his soulmate. The soulmate he may not want to have sex with for a month or more. The soulmate that is meant to be perfectly ok with this new arrangement, and not even look sad, because looking sad makes him feel so very guilty, that he would have to leave.

I have thought about telling him my "plan" for what I might do if he leaves me, for good. How I

Ellexoh_nz
I put myself through law school by providing sexual services and Domme services to men and women, a legal profession in Australia, where I reside. It was quite confronting and challenging at first, but I needed the money and I had a very high sex drive, so I persevered. I eventually came to see past people's physical attributes and I began to make emotional connections very rapidly. Being slightly different myself, it was easy for me to empathise with men that were struggling sexually. Indeed, I understood them perfectly, I would say. I did not necessarily agree with what they were doing, since I am not a cheater and never will be... and I certainly didn't pull back any punches, when talking to them - I even persuaded some of them to change what they were doing, and some of my bookings ended up with no sex, because they decided not to go ahead. All because I said, you shouldn't cheat on your wife. At that time, I was also in a relationship with a male gigolo, who gave me his side of the story, sleeping with married women. If I wrote a book about this, I am sure a lot of people would be horrified and a lot would judge me, but the truth is, people have needs. It is as simple as that. And quite often, those needs cannot be met by just one person. Especially when it comes to sex.

Now, some might say sex isn't the most important thing in the world, but if that were the case, we wouldn't mind sharing our partners with others. No matter how much or how little someone needs sex, they need it, period. It is not a hobby or an activity one can decide not to engage in, without some serious consequences usually. We are social animals and we need physical intimacy to feel loved, accepted, and happy. We can literally die from lack of love, so it is a serious, life and death question that people face on a daily basis, and that makes many people desperate enough to do horrible things to themselves and to others. That is why it is a question that must be aired, not left t

Sometimes, men fall in love with a woman and marry her, even though they are not sexually compatible. I have met many such men and always asked the same question: why? The answer? "She is my best friend and I love her in every other way." Given that I was not emotionally invested in those situations, I was a neutral third party, I'd say they were telling the truth. It meant that they had chosen to make certain sacrifices in their life, just so they could be with the woman they loved. But occasionally, it got too much and then they would seek out casual sex to fulfil their fantasies briefly. 

That is different to a situation with a gay man, who has the capacity to fall in love with another man, right? Because that's what it all comes down to, at the end of the day. Whom does one want to spend their life with? Next to which person do they feel they can be their most authentic self? I feel sorry for the men who are gay, but lack the courage to tell their spouses, and end up living a lie. Not only do they hurt the person they claim to love, they also hurt themselves, denying themselves a chance for a happy life. But again, each person must weigh up what's most important to them, which needs they need fulfilled absolutely, and which needs are transient. Only then can they decide who is the right person to provide them those needs.